Under One Roof, Episode 1: Home by the Sea

Under One Roof is back! And I am Sting7, your enigmatic host to keep you informed of the spills, chills, and thrills involved with five families battling for a piece of Fijian paradise. First, a little background…

Under One Roof was the latest reality foray of UPN, who also brought us Manhunt. Remember Manhunt? The one with the WWE dialogue and the rules that were made up as they went along? Of course not. But UPN had high, high hopes for Under One Roof, even packaging an unusual "repurposing" (the 2002 term for 'rerun') of CBS megahit Amazing Race 2 to complement the new show. It didn't work. UPN canned Under One Roof after three episodes. But, there was an outcry... those who bothered to watch UOR liked it and wanted it back. UPN had nothing better to put on during the summer, and figured the lack of original programming on the other networks might help UOR find an audience. We'll see.

So, Under One Roof is back and starting from the beginning, which is usually a good place to start. The premise of the show is simple. Five families will share a huge home in Fiji, and compete in various challenges to win ribbons. After every other challenge, or Property Quest, the family with the fewest number of ribbons will be evicted. But, there are no rules in the house. The families must work together to cohabitate, yet compete against each other at the same time. The winning family gets the deed to the house!

Let's meet the families:

The Paganis - Jorge, Robin, Giancarlo, Bianca, and Marchella

The McRaes - Larry, Jeanell, Shannon, Kristen, and Trent

The Skofields - Mike, Holly, Matt, and Brittany

The Distels - Mike, Lyn, Melissa, and David

The Hatmakers - Mark Anderson, Michelle, Daniel, and Jonathan

The first mission the families face: find their way to the house! All five families are plunked exactly one kilometer away from the house and, armed with a "global positioning unit" (fancy compass) and two trunks (all they were allowed to bring from home), must trudge their way through the jungle, water, or some combination of the two, to make their way to the house. The first family to arrive gets first pick of the four bedrooms. However, the families can take as many of the four bedrooms as they want! First come, first served. This, as you can imagine, was controversial. More on that in a moment.

Now, we begin to learn a bit about the personalities involved. Mike Skofield, a parent trainer (I have oodles to say about this! Later...), with his ridiculous bleached blond hair and coal black eyebrows says he thinks people find him cocky. But he's not cocky, he's just confident! Don't all cocky people say that? Who will readily admit that they are arrogant? Besides me. Lance Bass look-alike Matt Skofield says that his dad is right 99% of the time, showing that the programming has set in quite nicely, thank you.

Larry McCrae says that losing is not an option. He will get the job done. No matter how many bodies are left lying. He plays a mean bass. Shannon says she doesn't have a great relationship with her Dad. She's closer to her mother. Jeanell says that she thinks she can be too laid back. Being married to Larry, as we will soon learn, being laid back is an excellent trait to have.

Beautiful Melissa Distel makes it clear that she would rather stay home with her friends and school stuff and Britney albums than go trotting off to some dumb island. She's 16. She was bribed with a kitten. She's 16. Lyn says she can't get 15-year-old David to go away with for a weekend let alone for weeks to a foreign country. So, she had to get her gun. No, better, she gave him $500. Let me state for the record that I have no kids, so my theories on child rearing are clearly that. Just theories. But, I don't recall being bribed with a substantial sum of money to go on vacation. Whether I wanted to go or not, if my folks said I was going, that was summarily that! I'm willing to listen to arguments in favor of paying cold hard cash to your children for following your instructions. Anyway, carrot sufficiently dangling, David is in Fiji. Lyn Distel tries to calm my disdain by saying that the kids are growing so fast, this may be their last chance for a family outing. Mike Distel says its FFF: Forced Family Fun. For David it seemed like FFFF: Financed Forced Family Fun.

The Hatmakers see the trip as somewhat therapeutic. Michelle, shown radiating in a beauty pageant photo with a crown, says the last year was very hard on them. Apparently, Dad Hatmaker died suddenly, and the family brought along old family friend, Mark Anderson. Not many details were supplied.

Jorge Pagani, with the coolest accent this side of Sophia Loren, said he and Robin made a go of starting a restaurant and it didn't go so well. They are looking to win some money to try it again. The Paganis definitely got short-shrift in this segment.

On with the race!

Larry McCrae leads his family in a little pep talk (basically, to the tune of: get it done, don't screw around, don't embarrass me, follow my orders to the letter or you will pay). Gorgeous 16-year-old Shannon chimed in with a bit of rah-rah sentiment, and Larry shut her up, "Shannon, I will have no more outbursts!" I immediately thought of her comment about her relationship with her Dad and felt bad for her. Didn't take Larry long to be intense.

Beefy Mark Anderson said he couldn't wait to take his leather pants off. And promptly did. Newsflash: Fiji is a tropical island. It’s hot. Note: the Hatmakers are from Galveston, TX. They should know a thing or two about heat and the appropriateness of leather pants therein, shouldn't they? As they began, Mark Anderson was struggling and huffing. Badly. Then he had to sit down. Then he almost passed out. Through this, Michelle was being supportive and trying to tell Mark that he shouldn't feel bad... "How many of these families are gonna be in shape enough to not take a break or two?" All of them, but I like her already. Mark seemed on the verge of a Chris Farley-esque tirade. I was waiting for him to start punching himself in the stomach. Daniel and Jonathan looked clearly annoyed, but said on camera they were worried about him, being that he was "all sprawled out on the road like that." Mark said he was disappointed in himself that his endurance wasn't what it should be.

The Distels, who seemed to have the cushiest route (they kayaked to the house), arrived first. Lyn and Melissa immediately scoped out the bedrooms and chose the best two. Two! Note, there are five families and four bedrooms in the house. Uh-oh.

The Skofields were next. The Distels immediately fessed up to claiming two bedrooms. Mike Skofield, ever the ambassador, said, cool, we'll take the other two. At this point, Lance Bass decides it would be hee-larious to tag the refrigerator (green tags were used to signify which bedrooms had been claimed).

Holly Skofield admits to feeling some guilt about claiming two bedrooms, we can manage with one, you guys --- she is quickly silenced by her family.

The McCraes arrive next and give the other families a somewhat chilly hello. They immediately go looking for bedrooms. (The Skofields know the bedrooms are all claimed, yet LET the McCraes waste the time and energy to look for a vacant one. Jackals!) Larry is visibly annoyed that all the bedrooms are gone and decides to claim the bathroom and the laundry room. He apparently saw the tag on the refrigerator and thought everything was claimable!

Mike Skofield: tee-hee, ha ha ha ho ho, choke choke, wait a minute, you can't claim the bathroom!

Larry McCrae: Yes I can, you hyena.

Mike Skofield has the audacity to bitch about the fairness of Larry's claiming the bathroom. There's nothing unfair about claiming two bedrooms, for no real reason other than you can, is there? "So you plan on sleeping in the bathroom?" was Mike's condescending question. Larry's answer was, "If that's gonna keep my family from sleeping in the elements, yes!"

Mike Skofield says, "Hey, we didn't bitch when the black shirt team (couldn't be bothered to remember their names) took the first two bedrooms!"

Larry catches Mike's tone and calls him on it, "You don't have to talk to me like I'm something you made!" This should be a clear indication to A PARENT TRAINER that things are escalating beyond the point of being productive. You would think that someone who teaches people how to handle confrontation with their children would do or say something to bring the temperature down a notch. Ah, but you don't know Mike Skofield.

Things of interest here. 1) The Distels completely distanced themselves from the fracas. 2) The looks of resignation on Holly Skofield’s and Jeanell McCrae's faces. They've been through this before. 3) At one point, Trent McCrae advised his dad that the rules won't allow them to claim the bathroom. Larry's experienced and mentoring answer? "Until they tell us we can't, we will!"

At this point the argument became a male peeing contest (I've been in a few of those) that wasn't really about the bedrooms anymore, but the fight to be the alpha dog. Mike Distel finally arose as the voice of reason and said this would have to be worked out, but they should wait for the other families to show and everyone talk it out.

The Hatmakers, featuring a whipped Mark Anderson, arrive next. Larry sees the struggle and announces heroically that he's going to help them with their things. Mark looks at Larry like he saw God, and gives up his side of the trunk he's lugging. Frankly, Mark Anderson looks like one of those guys who could toss a stocked refrigerator on his back without batting an eyelash. It’s a shock to see him have so much trouble, when less fit-looking Larry McCrae and Mike Distel seemed to made their own treks without much difficulty. Feeling my astonishment, Jonathan mumbles, "I can't believe you let him help you!"

The Paganis finally arrive and receive the good-try applause from the other families.

Now the families meet Rob No Last Name, and he gives them the welcome to Under One Roof speech, full of stuff they (and we) already know. He's no Jeff Probst, no Anderson Cooper, no Creepy Guy from Amazing Race… not even Julie Chen (who looks like she'd rather have root canal than host Big Brother), he doesn't even rank above Eric Nies (who has milked dry his fifteen minutes from Real World 1, no?). But Rob does offer one tidbit we didn't know… the food is a one-time provision. When it's gone, it's gone. They will have to barter with the locals for more! Yikes. Mike Skofield offers that his kids really like to eat, they will eat just for the hell of it!

The Skofield and McCrae children have a summit on the porch. Shannon says she wishes everybody could have their own house. Brittany Skofield apologizes that their Dads had to act like such a-holes. She wished her Dad would just shut up (hear, hear). Brittany offers to share her bedroom, as well. Shannon smiles obligingly, knowing there is no way in H-E-L-L her Dad would allow that.

And sure enough, the McCraes, Paganis, and Hatmakers are all shown fashioning tents with chairs and mosquito nets. Lyn Distel finds this amusing for some reason.

The next day brings the first Property Quest (challenge to win ribbons). They families are greeted by native Fijians singing and leading them in a traditional dance. It looked wonderful!

Their challenge is another race! The families must build rafts of bamboo and twine, sail their rafts out to buoys, snag two crab traps and make it back to the shore and pitch their flags.

The McCraes and Paganis have five family members, and only four are allowed to compete. So, Bianca Pagani and Brittany Skofield sit out.

The Distels finish their raft first and hit the water, followed by the Hatmakers. The McCraes, who seemed to leave all the work to Larry, proclaim their raft good enough (it was so small, no one could sit on it) and head for the water. Giancarlo Pagani notes that Jorge seems to be trying to make the perfect raft, and it’s taking too long. Bianca Pagani exhorts her family to hurry up with all the angst you can imagine an 11-year-old mustering. The Paganis manage to finish before the Skofields, who complain about the lack of instructions they were given (and Matt hamming it up for the crowd).

In the water, the Distels seem to be steaming along, and make it back to shore fairly quickly. But they are exhausted. They have to carry their raft to the flagpole before planting their family flag. They are completely spent. The Hatmakers catch them from behind, but in the process, drop their raft on the Distels raft as they catch a breath. Mike Distel looks astonished, but doesn't say anything. Tell your story in your two bedrooms, buddy! The Hatmakers pick up their raft and head to the finish. They win!

The Distels, probably fueled by anger, manage to get their raft up the hill and come in second. The McCraes have the same problem as the Distels; they made it out of the water and were completely blown-out. Along come the Skofields, looking pretty destroyed themselves. Mike Skofield extends an olive branch and offers to help the McCraes with their raft, if the McCraes will help him and his family. Larry, not relishing the thought of hefting that raft up the hill agrees immediately. So, together, the Skofields and McCraes carry the McCrae raft to the finish, then carry the Skofield raft.

Well, how about that! Just when I was ready to banish Mike Skofield to the salt mines, he goes and does something -- hold the phone. Not so fast, Nobel Peace Prize Committee…

Mike Skofield says to the camera, in no uncertain terms, that his offer was made purely for his benefit and not the McCraes’. Charming.

The poor Paganis come in last and have to face the ire of a furious Bianca.

The final results:

The Hatmakers - 4 ribbons

The Distels - 3 ribbons

The McCraes - 2 ribbons

The Skofields - 1 ribbon

The Paganis - bupkis

But Rob has a curious smirk on his face. He has an offer for the Paganis. They have a chance to win two ribbons if they agree to take on the Isolation Challenge. Giancarlo expresses some hesitancy, but is quickly overruled by Jorge. "We'll do it." Leaving Giancarlo to wax to the camera, "We're really a good family, but I guess we have to work harder on communicating." Yeah.

The challenge the Paganis face is to spend the night in an old church destroyed by a cyclone in 1918. Oh yeah, it may be haunted! Nice. Robin asks if they are gonna be mauled by chickens, Rob cuts her off and says he can make no guarantees about the wildlife. This is the first we've heard of the band of renegade, mongrel, rabid chickens who reign terror throughout the Isle of Koro. Marchetta is not thrilled with any of this. Can we sleep on the stairs? NO, Rob fairly screams. They have to stay inside, no climbing ledges, no sleeping on the stairs. Now stop crying, you big baby!

Any more surprises Rob?

Well, yes. They only get one ribbon for spending the night in the church. Huh? The Paganis say in unison. The other ribbon is earned if they can solve a puzzle. There are ten windows with rocks on the ledge. The puzzle is to make sense of the rocks on the ledges, so that they can correctly say how many rocks would be on the ledge of an 11th window. Okay? Okay. Bye.

Back at the house, the four families seem to be enjoying each other and getting along. The Skofields and Distels agree to give up a bedroom each so the Hatmakers and McCraes now have a room. Hands are shook, hugs are accepted. Holly Skofield says, in a prophetic sort of way, "See? We were actually nice to each other, it may not always be this way."

And right on cue, Mike Skofield ominously announces to the camera that he is ready to mess with some heads and let some true colors come out. Is he the mole? Whoops, wrong show that was put on during the regular TV season, quickly canceled, and then moved to the summer!

Next week’s preview is rife with fighting and charges or racism! What the heck is going on? Join me next week, I'll tell you about it!

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