Road Rules 11, Episode 5: Stepping Up

"Previously on Road Rules..." Shane is complaining about the hookups on the trip. Oh wait, we've never heard Shane complain about the two couples. Thanks again MTV, that's two in a row!

So anyway, Shane's jealous of the trip's hookups so far. Kendal is with Eric, Darrell and Rachel are together, and that leaves him with Sarah. And he hates Sarah. And he loves himself.

"I don't mind if people have deep, meaningful relationships, as long as it doesn't exclude me," he said.

Next, the group goes out for their daily workout and, oddly enough, it looks like the same workout they were on last week. Déjà vu. I guess after Rachel and Kendal got done ripping Sarah apart, they started in on Shane, because that's what was focused on this week. Darrell and Rachel start doing sit-ups in the grass, and Shane makes the mistake of insulting Rachel's abs. Rachel gets ticked. Apparently this isn't Shane's first transgression.

"When you grabbed Kendal's fat at a party I hope you know she was depressed for the rest of the night," Rachel says. Yeah, Shane, didn't you see that episode of the Real World-Chicago? Just because you're gay doesn't give you the right to go pointing out flab.

"Even though Kendal and I are confident and beautiful, you have to know we're both sensitive," Rachel warns. Hey, what about Sarah?

Kendal, along with the rest of the group, figures out quick that Shane's just jealous he has no one to hook up with.

"He forgets to think," she said. "It's sad how bad he wants someone. He's gotten bitter."

The group crowds back into the Winnie where they get their next clue. They're going to Clark Atlanta University to see if they can "step up" to the challenge. Then about $50 in pizza is delivered to the Winnie. It's Domino's too. Freakin’ cardboard.

Can I just take this opportunity to talk about the money situation? What happened to our fearless Road Rulers scraping by on dimes until their next working mission? Remember season 1 when Kit blew all their money as soon as they got to Vegas? Remember poor Piggy from Australia who had to give all her money to that wretched woman whose car she hit? Who is hooking these kids up? They lost $6,000 twice, did they NOT have to give up their cash and credit cards at the beginning of the trip? What's the deal?

OK, back to the show.

They pull up to the campus and there's a step show going on. And their mission mayors are there with that briefcase full of $6,000.

"Aww, damn it's that f*#^ing briefcase," Rachel says. "I hate that damn thing."

They jump off the Winnie and I see Kendal is back to doing her Angelina Jolie impression. There's going to be competition for this trip, in the form of six randomly selected people from mtv.com. I hope MTV ran a background check, God knows what freaks you're gonna pick up in an online contest. Hell, previous reality TV shows have proven that God only knows what freaks you’re gonna pick up even with a background check! "Sam," the outspoken one of the group, goes up to our Road Rulers and says "Y'all ready to lose?"

Ohhh, it's on now.

The groups break up to practice and the Road Rules coaches laugh as our fearless six try to get the moves down. Shane has two left feet and hands.

"This is harder than I ever thought it would be," he says.

"I can't wait to watch it," he tells a coach.

Sarah meanwhile, is hopping around pretty well on that bruised hip.

"This mission has a performance element," she said. "It's my time to shine."

We then cut over to our dot-commers, who are busy practicing. We catch a word from each one of them, saying how much they wanna kick Road Rules butt. One of the girls is wearing the most obnoxious pink shorts and a T-shirt that is waaaay too small. It's almost as if she said "OK I won this contest, I'm gonna be on national TV. What can I wear that would make me look the absolute worst?" And for those who think I'm being too critical, as president of PBA (Protruding Bellies Anonymous) I'm fully qualified to make these judgments.

The action then shifts back to the Road Rules practice, where Shane politely asks if the group can take a 15-minute break.

The answer is no and practice goes on. The girls are picking up the moves quickly while Shane and Eric are leaving a little to be desired. Eric overexaggerates a move that makes him look like he's whipping a woman into submission and someone makes a crack that Kendal will never have sex with him again. Kendal, for her part, looks like she wants to crawl in a hole and die.

Back in the Winnie, the group continues to complain about Shane's jealousies. Rachel pins it down.

"There's so much pressure on him," she says. "Eric and Kendal are together. I'm with Darrell and now we're all opening up to Sarah. I don't believe he's in it for the group, He's like 'Where's my space?'"

Shane, for his part, is still complaining.

"I hate being the third wheel," he said. "I don't know what to do, I don't know what I'm allowed to say." Dude, this is reality television. Say whatever you want! It's encouraged!

In between segments, there's a commercial for MTV's Undressed. Can I just say that this is quite possibly the dumbest show ever created?

OK, commercials are over.

The group then checks into a pretty fancy hotel. I would refer again to my comments about money, but then I'm pretty sure they had to check their contest winners into a hotel and they couldn't leave the people the actual trip was about out in the cold. So I'll let this one slide.

Sarah says the couples in the group are excited to have actual beds. "Me, not so much, I'm stuck in a bed with Shane."

Eric and Darrell go down and interrupt the dot-commers' practice. Eric does this little sex move on the floor, which I was later mortified to find out was actually part of the routine. For his part, Sam shows a buttcheek.

Night falls. Everyone is fast asleep. Our couples are tucked in their beds with visions of $6,000 in their heads, when down by the couch there arose such a fuss.... why it's Shane, practicing, so he won't look like a wuss! Rachel says she's proud of Shane for trying.

The next day in the theater, the crowd is pumped up, as the people who actually know how to do step routines put on a performance. Outkast shows up to emcee the affair and everyone goes nuts. Kendal says the group will be judged on crowd response, creativity and difficulty.

And we're off. The dot com group goes first and they do a pretty outstanding job, except for pink shorts girl, who's stomping and looking down at her feet like she's afraid they're going to fall off. The group finishes off their crazy routine and does a good job making the Road Rulers a little nervous.

Then it’s the Road Rulers’ turn. Everyone holds it together, even Shane. We find out that their crowd-pleaser move is to have all the guys strip in the middle of the routine and throw their shirts to the all-too-eager crowd. Road Rules ends up winning by one point. I think it was a draw.

Once again, the group celebrates with their regular pastime - clubbing - this time taking the mtv.com folks out with them. Everyone is STILL singing out Outkast as Eric and Kendal kiss and Shane, in a desperate move for affection, tries dry-humping Sarah on the couch. Shane has a change of heart about the couples on the trip.

"If there was a guy on this trip, I'd go for it," he said. "I hold nothing against them."

Next week: There's some sort of mission involving rotten food being thrown at our gang of six as they hang suspended in the air in groups. Umm, OK. Shane then makes the mistake of picking a fight with an amateur boxer. Way to go Shane. Not.

Jennifer Shrader is a reporter at a community newspaper in rural North Carolina who is waiting to be discovered.

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