Under One Roof, Episode 2: The Sweet and the Sour

Last Week: We met the families, we realized that the Skofields were trouble, the McCraes were aloof, the Hatmakers were confusing, the Distels were good at gifts, and the Paganis were... on the show. When the smoke cleared, the score was as follows:

The Hatmakers - 4 ribbons
The Distels - 3 ribbons
The McCraes - 2 ribbons
The Skofields - 1 ribbon
The Paganis - zilch

This week: A show that could have been entitled "The Sweet and The Sour." We learn about the unconditional love of family and the lack of compassion for your fellow man.

As a reminder, here again are the Families:

The Paganis - Jorge, Robin, Giancarlo, Bianca, and Marchela
The McRaes - Larry, Jeanell, Shannon, Kristen, and Trent
The Skofields - Mike, Holly, Matt and Brittany
The Distels - Mike, Lyn, Melissa, and David
The Hatmakers - Mark Anderson, Michelle, Daniel, and Jonathan

Michelle Hatmaker says there are strong personalities in the house. Cue Mike Skofield: things are getting a bit snippy 'round here, he's looking forward to the drama.

Matt Skofield says its kinda cool with a family out... but he would have picked the Distels. Just doesn't like that Melissa. How dare she resist his charms? Daniel Hatmaker doesn't like Melissa either. We get an amusing exchange between Matt and Melissa, featuring Matt playfully threatening violence if she doesn't get out of his chair. How could she not swoon? Bottom line: she serves it back to him like a Serena Williams hook forehand. He ain't feeling it.

Melissa confesses she is a Type A, and damn homesick. Lyn says Melissa is wise beyond her years and has trouble coming across to people, she appears aloof. Melissa whines about how homesick she is and Mike Distel politely tells her to suck it up.

Placing last in the first Property Quest, the Paganis opt to take the Isolation challenge in the hopes of earning two ribbons. Crucial, considering they have none. The Isolation challenge is a two-parter: spend the night in a deserted, destroyed church that may be swarmed by the mongrel, renegade, bandanna-wearing chickens Robin Pagani was fretting about, for one ribbon. Solve a puzzle for the second.

The puzzle involved ten window ledges with a number of rocks on each one. The key is to figure out the meaning of the number of rocks on the ledges to determine how many rocks should be on the eleventh ledge.

In case you want to take a crack at the puzzle, it goes like so:

Ledge One: 3 rocks
Ledge Two: 3 rocks
Ledge Three: 5 rocks
Ledge Four: 4 rocks
Ledge Five: 4 rocks
Ledge Six: 3 rocks
Ledge Seven: 5 rocks
Ledge Eight: 5 rocks
Ledge Nine: 4 rocks
Ledge Ten: 3 rocks
Ledge Eleven: ?

Giancarlo Pagani says the puzzle is pretty hard. They spend a lot of time staring at the ledges. Marchela Pagani says they figured the puzzle was like a beat, lots of threes. So, obviously being horrible dancers, the Paganis decide the answer is: three. My answer: five.

Along comes grinning Rob Nelson (he does have a last name!), in a better mood than he was last night. Maybe, he found a little Fijian honey and -- nevermind. So, Paganis, he fairly jigs, whattaya say? Three? No, the answer is six.

The answer was in the number of rocks, phonetically. 'One' has three letters in it. Three rocks. 'Two' also has three letters in it. Three rocks. 'Three' has five letters in it. Five rocks, and so on. The Paganis graciously accept defeat and take their ribbon back to da house. If only they knew what they were coming home to.

Kirsten McCrae thinks Matt Skofield is annoying. How surprising. Matt and his new tag-team partner, Daniel Hatmaker, pretty much gang up on Kirsten, charging that she "sure is unfriendly" and "has a chip on her shoulder." And with that kind of criticism, Kirsten brightens and shares a coke with her new friends!

No.

Larry McCrae and Jeanell are watching like hawks, and Jeanell is ready to pounce. Larry holds her back. Momentarily. But Mama Lion can only take so much. She descends upon the scene and reminds the goons that Kirsten is but a mite eleven years old (though she seemed to be handling herself admirably). How old are you all? Back off! The boys show the adult ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT WHATSOEVER, one of them making me-ow noises and the other saying something like "daaaaamn" as if he were affronted. (It was wide shot and hard to tell who did what.) It was sickening.

Shannon tries to tell her parents the boys were just kidding, but Mama Lion puts the kibosh on that, "the joke went too far!" She ain't seen nothin’, yet!

Daniel Hatmaker, master strategist and 18-year-old, shares the wisdom that the McCraes can't take a joke and that's a great way to make them lose their focus.

Michelle Hatmaker expresses, more like mumbles, something about the way they are perceived. Daniel Hatmaker, graciously providing clarity on this production stumble, says, "I think they have a wall of hostility over their racial differences. I don't know why."

Ah, the McCraes! What on earth is he talking about?

Right on cue, Kirsten McCrae (she was on the last episode, right?) is astonished at the way the families are grubbing. "We're gonna run out of food if this keeps up," Michelle also notes that food is an issue. She's seen families throwing away food, "I'm not saying lick the plate clean, but if there's food on the plate, you should eat it!" Thankfully, she spared us the 'starving children in Cambodia' suffix that our Moms are so fond of.

Mark Anderson is astonished at the way the McCraes nosh out on the leftovers. Hmm, Mark looks like he's had a leftover or two. More astonishment: lovely Melissa Distel is astonished at the look Larry McCrae gives her when she goes to secure a cracker after not eating breakfast or lunch, since she was pining away at the lack of TRL in Fiji and wondering if her kitten is still alive. Maybe the kitten took David Distel's five hundred clams and hit Vegas! The look Larry gave her was a blood-curdler.

Lyn Distel, realizing her daughter is already skinny enough, blows a fuse at Larry, whose family has descended like locusts upon the detagged fridge. Larry's lame argument is that they are just leftovers, jeez. Lyn gets all shrill (birds are fleeing from trees and clocks falling off walls) and says nothing significant. Jeanell McCrae, Mama-Locust now, who probably feels like a steel spike is being drilled into her head, says let's just adjust the rules.

And the island's own Henry Kissinger, Mike Skofield, says to us that folks have gotten comfortable and petty arguments are happening and it’s all so gamey. He must hate that. "I'm all about that!"

Oh.

Time for the Family Face-Off, which is different from a Property Quest and the Isolation challenge in a way that will make sense to us, someday. This time, a spot of rugby from the locals first, then the families send a representative to kick a footballthing through a goalpost. If you miss, you're out. The winner gets a choice of an Advantage Item, which may help them in the Property Quest, or a really swanky something to take home with them. If the winning family passes on the Advantage Item, the second place family gets it. Not the swanky item, though. Rob Nelson gets to use it to barter for more Fijian honeys.

Up first, representing the Distels, is Mike Distel. He misses. Out.

Next, gorgeous Shannon McCrae, (Larry comments that the Fijian boys were digging Shannon big-time, then they looked at Dad and chilled). She misses. Major "awww" from the crowd. Out.

Now, Jonathan Hatmaker, who will break a few female hearts of his own in a few years. He shoots, he scores! By a mile! Moving on.

Representing the Really Rottens, the NWO, K.A.O.S., Team Rocket, the Oakland Raiders, the Legion of Doom, and the Skofields, Mike Skofield. He misses! Karma is restored! Out!

And finally (and finally getting screen time) Marchela Pagani shoots and scores! Advanced!

Only the Hatmakers and Paganis were successful. Round two: Jonathan scores again, Marchela misses. Hatmakers (featuring Mark Anderson) win again!

Decision time. The Advantage Item is revealed to be a t-shirt. Yay. The cool prize is... a pair of Kawasaki All-Terrain Vehicles! Suh-weet!

Rob Nelson interrupts Michelle's cartwheels to remind her that they have to decide. Advantage item which may help them in the Property Quest or the wicked rad Kawasakis. Michelle asks feebly "Can or will you help us?" Come on, Michelle. Do I have to tell you Rob Nelson provides no assistance? Mark Anderson rationally advises that they can always buy Kawasakis, this crappy t-shirt must be significant. So it's decided. The t-shirt.

Rob Nelson thinks 'Excellent! The Fijian honeys will totally go for these Kawasakis!'

Second place Paganis are relishing in their almost win. Robin reasons that this is like a win for them. Beats the hell out of last place!

Back at the palace, Brittany Skofield decides she's going to befriend Melissa Distel. Her method is to attack. "It's like you think you're better than everybody," is her embrace. How, demands Melissa, am I like that? Give me facts, girl, facts! Examples, evidence, witnesses, videotape! How? Brittany realizes this is a mountain she doesn't really feel like climbing after all. We'll just leave it at not-clicking.

Melissa takes her search for clues to her parents. "Why doesn't anybody like me?" she stomps. Uh, well, er, um (note to parents of the world: stammering, hemming, and hawing are ineffective communication tools. Even Mike Skofield knows that). Mike Distel throws up the first red-herring: hey, we took two bedrooms, of course they hate us! Heh-heh-heh! Melissa appropriately rolls her eyes. Lyn's turn: oh who cares, you never have to see the people again, ever. Just have fun. Melissa opines that she shouldn't have to bother if these people are so insignificant. And how is that fun? Cornered, Mike and Lyn find fascinating things on the floor. Melissa cries. She's 16.

Feeling the agony of defeat, Mike Distel lays his burdens upon Larry McCrae. Larry, offers no advice, but decides to crow about his own phenomenal relationship with his kids (didn't Shannon say she and her Dad don't get along? Remember the 'shut-up Shannon' pep talk?), "to this day, I will walk up to Trent and hug him and kiss, right there at his high school." That must make Trent very popular in the locker room.

Actually, that's rather sweet. But ask Trent about that, will ya? Teenage boys have enough to grabble without having to wonder if Dad is gonna bum-rush them and kiss them and stuff!

While discussions of child-rearin' continue, various Moms go about splitting up the food. Jeanell McCrae chooses not to participate. It makes her uncomfortable and decides that she and Larry are from "different schools."

Speaking of schools, Mike Skofield shares this nugget: you can't go being all nice and expect to win. Everybody has strengths and his is "causing friction," adding that when it comes to competition, he throws his morals "right out the window!" Ugh.

Making another case for the Dr. Will Kirby Award of A-Holery, Mike Skofield gathers round his kids and them ol' Hatmaker boys and decides to have a bit of fun with the fun-loving, knee-slapping McCraes. An idea that was born of toilet-papering became 'lets stick a bunch of crates and chairs and garbage in front of the McCraes’ bedroom door!' Yeah Yeah! Snicker snicker snort snort!

Holly Skofield says she thinks the culprits got carried away. Mmm-hmm.

Jeanell McCrae hears noises and comes out to investigate. Larry comes soon after and thinks it us some sort of clue and starts to search through the trash (Ouch. I have to admit that I had to laugh at that, though things became unfunny fast). Getting a grip, Jeanell says it feels like someone was out to humiliate them. Shannon and Trent went to report the strangeness to Matt and Brittany. Brittany can't believe they didn't suspect them. "I was like okay, whatever! Stupid!" The points for trying to befriend Melissa are gone.

A summit has convened at the scene of the crime. Larry notes that there were used sanitary napkins in the garbage! (Pardon me as I try to hold down my lunch! Sanitary napkins? Used!) Lots of head-shaking, 'tis a pity. Including Mike Skofield who is as stone-faced as Mount Rushmore. Doesn't know a thing about it. Jorge suggests the McCraes try to sleep and they'll talk about it in the morning.

Jeanell says she thinks this thing is racially motivated. Shannon and I say, "What??" Larry agrees with Jeanell. Oh no. Shannon again tries to reason with her parents, "To do something so openly racist would be stupid!" It's stupid anyway, sweetie.

Yeah, Larry deeeefinitely wants a meeting. Mike Skofield tells his band of merry men he'll "turn it around." Larry, ironically, consoles Michelle Hatfield that he doesn't, in any way, think precious angel-faced Jonathan was involved. Meanwhile, Jonathan is regaling the other kids in his own play-by-play. Michelle Hatmaker says that the whole incident is, "Unacceptable!" I do like her.

Meeting time, and I can feel the tension from my living room. Jeanell expresses her feelings of hurt and anger and wants an apology. "Apology?" Mike Skofield spits. Is an apology not warranted here? "I think you should just treat it like was funny," Mike judges. "It wasn't funny!" Jeanell roars. "It was real funny!” Mike continues. If I were within 50 yards of him...

Larry vainly tries to reason with the unreasonable, "You don't understand our history," (it wasn't clear whether he was talking about HIS and JEANELL's history, or he history of African-Americans in general. Either would have been valid and worth hearing their feelings and trying to sympathize and buck them up that it wasn't that kind of deal. Try explaining that to the Parent Trainer!). Programmed Matt Skofield chortles that he and his dad were like 'who cares about your history?' So much to learn.

To the camera, Trent, choked up, says his parents weren't raised in white suburbia and his parents have experienced these kinds of stunts, just because of their skin color, Shannon adds. Things like that were done to hurt them.

Captain Sensitive, Mike Skofield, won't budge on his position that the McCraes are being totally silly.

"It was a joke!" he says, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "How do you know that if you didn't do it?" rebuts Jeanell. Good call! Mike slithers away from that charge somehow (not clear).

Daniel Hatmaker, protaganist, proclaims that the incident was "stupid and immature," prompting an expression akin to admiration from Mike Skofield, watching the little so-and-so lie with such dazzling acuity. Women of the world who could potentially date Daniel Hatmaker: remember this moment! Your future could be full of commentary like:

1. "No, honey, why on earth would I ever look at another woman when I have the most beautiful girl in Texas?"

2. "I honestly have no idea whose panties those are."

3. "I promise, that is not lipstick on my shirt, I cut myself shaving."

4. "Seriously, the vacuum cleaner just up and attacked my neck. I was as shocked as you are."

Now it's time for my rant. I would fully expect a Parent Trainer (have I stressed this point enough?) to understand a bit more about communication than old Skofield is showing. In my opinion, the prank was meant in good fun, but when you do it to someone who has displayed no sense of humor, and promising no chance of taking the prank in the spirit it was meant, then it becomes mean. If they pulled it on the Distels or the Paganis, it probably would have been a big-time belly laugh. To pull the joke on the seemingly humorless McCraes was abusive. In no WAY do I think that race was an issue, at all. But, Mike Parent Trainer, do you not understand that when you have hurt and offended someone, it no longer matters what your intentions were, but that you have hurt and offended someone? Do you not see that it is those feelings that need to be dealt with?

Of course he does. Mike goes to Larry and said, "You know, this whole thing has gone crazy and I didn't mean for you guys to feel so bad about it. It was me, my idea. Race had nothing to do with it, I just feel bad that I've made you feel embarrassed and picked on. I am very sorry."

...

Puh-lease!! Hell no, that didn't happen!!!

Jeanell and Shannon are in the bedroom, teary, and Michelle Hatmaker comes to console them. Shannon can't believe that Mike Skofield has the attitude that he does. "It's like, he didn't even try to understand!"

Jeanell says Mike has no idea where they are coming from. (You can say that again.)

Poor Trent is sitting on a bench by himself, looking miserable. Larry goes to console him. What's the matter? Voice breaking, Trent says it would be one thing if he or Larry walked out to see all that crap, but for his Mom to see it first...

Larry puts a protective arm around his son's shoulder and lets him have a good cry, all the while telling him it will be okay. I misted up too.

Amazingly enough, there is still a Property Quest to be decided. In comes Rob Nelson, blathering on about Fijian spiders. The challenge is for each family to name two "holders" and two "placers." The placers will place as many spiders on the holders as possible in the time permitted. In bathing suits only, no tops for the men. Except that the Hatmakers can use the t-shirt they won. That means spider-contact with SKIN! Those spiders are UGLY and big and have long legs! Hats off to all of them for doing this! I would have been packing my bags.

Bianca Pagani feels like I do and together we cringe. Jorge says Bianca is horrified of spiders and the thought of having to handle them is "torturing her mind!" But in that excellent accent, he sounded kinda pleased.

The families will compete in descending order, meaning the Hatmakers are first:

Michelle and Mark are holders, Daniel and Jonathan are placers. Daniel and Jonathan are basically throwing the spiders at Michelle who rightly shrieks at them to knock it off!! The result: 27 spiders held.

Now the Distels. Lyn and Mike holders, David and Melissa placers. Melissa is having trouble dealing, herself. Britney Spears would never be in this position. Lyn demands that Melissa get herself together, hell, Lyn has to have them on her! Must have fallen on deaf ears, cuz the result is only 13 spiders held.

The McCraes have Jeanell and Larry as holders, Kirsten and Trent as placers. Larry and Jeanell have the excellent idea of standing back to back to provide a better base to place the spiders. The result: 35 spiders held!

With an unusual strategy, the Skofields have Brittany and Holly as holders, Mike and Matt as placers. Holly admits to stealing the McCraes back to back position. The result: 38 spiders held!

Bianca is virtually in the fetal position and foaming at the mouth and it’s the Paganis’ turn. With a five player team, Bianca doesn't have to do anything but just be in the area. Too much for the 11-year-old. Jorge decides to pick up his daughter and console her. And when you are in Daddy's arms, what can possibly harm you? Robin sighs that it is up to her as holder and Giancarlo as placer and they'd have to do the best they could. Giancarlo is a machine, and with the other families cheering them on, the Paganis manage 45 spiders held!

In Daddy's arms, Bianca is a little braver and attempts to touch a spider. Robin says she held herself together, but the de-holding of those spiders was taking too long and she... freaked. Shrieking and stomping and PETA holding its breath as the life of those spiders appeared in jeopardy! No word on the death count. Jorge says he convinced Bianca that she was saving him from the spiders to make her feel better. What a Daddy! Jorge is officially my favorite!

The finals results of the second Property Quest:

Paganis - 4 ribbons
Skofields - 3 ribbons
McCraes - 2 ribbons
Hatmakers - 1 ribbon
Distels - nada

Which makes the standings:

Hatmakers - 5 ribbons
Paganis - 5 ribbons
McCraes- 4 ribbons
Skofields - 4 ribbons
Distels - 3 ribbons

The Distels are eliminated! Lyn dashes off to her room boo-hooing. The other four families wish the Distels well. Mike says his family has grown closer. Lyn says she had a ball, and is surprised it's her family that's out. Melissa hopes she makes it home in time for the new Kylie Minogue video. David threatens to kill that kitten if it spent his money.

Next Episode: Mike Skofield and Larry butt heads yet again. Matt is smooching Marchela! And it sure looks like Jonathan Hatmaker tries to negotiate with Brittany and gets a play slap for his trouble!

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