Bachelorettes in Alaska, Episode 6: Frogs Vs. Princes

Who will be waiting at the altar for their blushing bride? Will Kristian get a chance to step up to the plate? Will Cecile rebound into Will's waiting arms? Will Tim 2 toast the happy couple with a pump filled with bubbly? Will Sissie and Brent live happily ever after? Will Rebekah spurn the mini tramp (Cecile and the equipment) for a real live man? Will Kurt and Karen unite in holy matrimony to populate the Yukon with pretty simpletons? Read on!

Congratulations, gentle readers, you have managed to survive through six entire episodes! After a pleasant little summation of the previous 20 days' adventures (with most but not all of the juicy little highlight tidbits thrown in) the producers cut to the chase and send the five women and ten remaining men back up to proposal point. This is the producers’ last big hurrah when it comes to showcasing the jealousies and rivalries. Psycho Tim isn't there, so there will be no mention of drinking out of shoes. This is also one of Steve the forgettable host's last chances to showcase Fabio's line of oh-so-chic fur parkas. This one is black with a stunning array of dead, gray weasels lovingly sewn into it. It looks exceedingly gay, of course. Steve drones on for far too long about their romantic journeys and the momentous decisions that the bachelorettes and their final selection of suitors have before them. Steve is taking himself way too seriously here, especially for a man dressed like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Karen is the first bachelorette to choose between her two suitors, Mike and Kurt. (As if we didn't know the outcome...) Karen looks around vacantly and chooses Kurt. Mike does not look happy, at least in the close up that the producers choose to show. I am forced to wonder if Mike was honestly surprised? Not that Karen and Kurt have forged this incredibly karmic bond, but she has elected to stick with Kurt throughout this whole process. Hope springs eternal in the heart of Barney Rubble, until the blonde airhead clubs his heart like a baby seal. Karen's blank expression and tentative smile make her look like nothing more than a giant kewpie doll.

Now Cecile gets her chance to choose between Will the hunk-rageous teacher, and Michael, the big dorky teacher. This should be a cliffhanger: let me see, who will it be, the dreamy jock, or the great big doofus? Cecile chooses Will. I am shocked. Apparently, Michael is too. Michael looks like he's been punched in the nads. He really is a goober, but you can't help but feel sorry for him. Maybe he'll find some way to rationalize her choice, like blaming it on the hat. Yeah, that's it, Cecile was allergic to his court jester's cap. Now here's a yoo-hoo and a moon pie, Mikey, that ought to make you feel better. Go and eat it on the back step like a good boy.

Andrea steps up to the bench to choose between Kristian and Keith. Once again, we have a woman who has chosen to stick with a non-committal man all the way up to this point, why should now be any different? Andrea chooses Kristian, and Keith looks like he's ready to set Curly and Laurie's haystack on fire, a' la "Oklahoma." Judd Frye/Keith is simmering in repressed anger, and just melted all the snow off the mountaintop, burying the entire cheesy set in the resulting snow pack.

Now Rebekah saunters up to the plate to choose between TIMMAH! and Jason. Rebekah chooses to pretend that she needs to mull it over for a moment or two ("Now lets see, who would give me the bigger ring, and the most toys...") Rebekah states "I think I'll go with Jason." As if she's still not sure. All her coy posturing is making me ill, it's a good thing this is the finale. But I bet Timmy was sweating bullets for a moment there. That might explain the yellow ice beneath his boots. He felt the clammy breath of fate on the back of his neck.

The producers save the best for last. Steve smirks about how "a lot of people are wondering" whether Sissie will choose between Thaddeus or Brent. Which people? I want their names and numbers: I have a bridge in N.Y.C. to sell them.... Wonder of wonders, Sissie chooses Brent! Yeah! There is a God! (Sorry, Lord, just kidding, so glad you have a sense of humor and haven't smitten me with thy fiery wrath in lo these many years...) Thaddeus looks, well, like a man who's just had his schedule cleared, freeing him up to march in the gay pride parade. Better polish up the chainmail first, sister.

Steve informs the sacrificial lambs that they will have 24 hours to spend with one another in secluded cabins. This is their golden opportunity to ask all the hard questions and to bring all the baggage out into the open. (Cut to a shot of Karen, who still has that vacuous Kewpie-doll expression on her face.) In 48 hours, their love will be put to the test.

2:00: Cecile and Will's cabin. Cecile tells the camera that she is really looking forward to getting to know Tim, oops, I mean Will, better. Cecile tells Will how she was comfortable with him "from day one" and how she "can't talk that way to Timmy." She's like Tim 2 and the shoe... let it go already, you're perseverating! Me thinks she doth protest too much! She then goes on to say that she thinks she's a little much for Timmy to handle, and Will quips with a grin: "I think you're a little much for ME to handle!" They laughingly agree that Will can deal with it. Will's one of the few who can adroitly manage this little high maintenance drama queen, and it appears that he knows what he's in for. Once again, Cecile brings up the Timmy subject and states that she thinks that she and Timmy "have one more conversation left" (so she can get in a few more digs before she boards the plane for California). Will tells the camera that he thinks that Timmy is probably out of her picture at this point. Get real, Will, she has unresolved issues! She's obsessed! She talks about Timmy all the time! She's needs therapy to get over her abandonment issues, to get to the root source of her bad decision-making skills (i.e. why I choose men who won't commit or become emotionally involved) and to touch base with her unexplored lesbian tendencies. If I wasn't so sure that a good deal of Cecile's dramatic presentation can be attributed to the situation (she's on camera and thrown into shallow but potentially serious relationships in a challenging setting), I would say that she also needs to be on some psychotropic medication like Prozac to even out her emotional roller coaster. Therapy + meds = a more balanced Cecile. By the way, before they cut away to the next couple, the camera shows a shot of a beautiful owl, complete with the cat screech that they have used so many times with Cecile before. I guess the producers just couldn't resist one finale pot shot.

Cut to Rebekah and Jason in their cabin. Rebekah tells the camera how wonderful Jason is, how much fun they have together, and how he's so awesome. Boy's got it goin' on, that's for sure, plus he can handle you, Rebekah. I'm impressed! Are you two long-term material? I doubt it, there's not enough commonalitites, and I just can't see Rebekah allowing her mask to slip to allow anyone to see the real Rebekah beyond the vivacious princess facade she maintains. Jason tells the camera that he sees Rebekah as an independent and confident woman, and how he finds the quality of confidence so attractive in a woman. More shots of them rough-housing in the snow. Can you picture these two together at age 80, sitting together side by side in rocking chairs at the nursing home? No, because, besides their physical attraction, they have nothing to talk about! Well, Rebekah and Jason FINALLY indulge in a kiss, and both share about what a wonderful and long anticipated experience it was. Rebekah moons about how "amazing" it was, and how she doesn't want to go home. Yeah, who would want to forgo an all expenses paid luxury three-week vacation in Alaska for the banal trivialities of everyday work-a-day life back home? Would Rebekah be so keen on staying in Alaska if she actually lived and worked there, and had no other options? If Alaska suddenly became her life, without all the pampering and attention she had become accustomed to on the program? I think not. Princess likes the veneer of glamour, not harsh reality. The camera shows Jason pirouetting his princess in a last shot before cutting away to Kristian and Andrea.

Kristian tells the camera that it felt a little more realistic actually dealing with making dinner and being alone in a house by themselves. He presents Andrea with a bouquet of flowers and is rewarded with a kiss. They share the dinner preparation tasks as well as the meal. Andrea feels that they are becoming closer as a couple every time they interact. They smooch a little more. Kristian confesses (to the camera) "commitment is a stranger to me." Really? Well, at least he's finally admitting it to himself. Too bad he hadn't had this epiphany before committing himself to a project designed to potentially link him up with someone for life on national television. He goes on to state that he has started to think about it more as he gets older. "That's where I'm at: just starting to think about commitment." Please note his phrasing: "just starting to think about commitment." Could he be a little more tentative and non-committal? Maybe by the time he's in his nineties, he'll be ready to commit. At this stage in the game, most men are dealing with this possibility in more concrete terms, making plans, and taking steps towards this goal. Emotionally retarded 29-year-old Kristian is ten years delayed in this process, he's merely started to consider the possibilities. If and when he does commit to a woman, and if that woman happens to be Andrea, it will be so far in the future her eggs will have dried up and blown away. I'm sorry, but as a single woman of 36, I think realistically in these terms. If Andrea (or Karen, for that matter) want to have children anytime soon, they had better make some savvy choices and start dating men that are ready to settle down. Instead, they have both chosen wishy-washy boy toys. As one of you devoted readers has pointed out (thank you, J.C., for the insightful and wonderful e-mail!), what are all these non-committal men doing on this show? Didn't the producers screen for this in their barrage of interview questions? Hello!

Now on to Karen and Kurt. Karen states that she has felt comfortable with Kurt from the start. Kurt tells the camera, "Now that I know her as well as I do, I'm not surprised that I've developed feelings for Karen, I'm not surprised at all." Karen likes that the two can hang out with each other and it feels very comfortable and natural. Then she gives him his cookies and milk before sending him off to bed in his spidey underroos. I'm sorry, age should not be an issue, but Karen is seven years older, she looks more like 15 years older, and is about 20 years older in terms of maturity and life experiences. Well, at least they both have the same superficially and emotionally stunted judgment. OK, Kurt DOES have a kick-ass body. They both dissemble and prevaricate about where Kurt ended up spending the night, while the camera clearly shows Karen heading up to the bedroom in the loft, while a half naked Kurt shuts out the lights and quickly follows.

Sissie and Brent play house and enjoy the experience immensely. Sissie cooks dinner and lovingly feeds Brent (take note, gentlemen, if a woman not only cooks for you but literally puts food in your mouth, it's a sure sign that she digs you.) Sissie confesses, "I had a problem in my past that I would be so strong that I wouldn't allow a man to take care of me or be nice to me. And now that's changed!" Brent confesses that he's waited a long time for something nice to happen to him, and he's not going to let it pass him by. Good man, Brent! Be assertive! Make your own destiny! (I can go ahead and use more psycho-babble buzz words such as “proactive,” but I think you get the picture.) Sissie responds with, "You're so sweet! You're so good to me!" I think at this point everyone in the viewing audience is grinning ear to ear with a slap-happy expression on their faces. Except for Bob the Sasquatch. He's out in the woods tearing up trees by their roots in frustration. Back to Brent and Sissie, this time in bed snuggling and kissing. Brent rolls on top of Sissie and she starts to pull the covers over them as the camera cuts away. We can only hope that the Brentsickle is out of the freezer and comfortably thawing out in the oven. (Wink*wink!)

Now it's the morning after, and Brent is whipping up some fluffy eggs for breakfast while Sissie slumbers on. I'm supposin' that he's worn her out, and now he's cooking for her and serving her breakfast in bed. What a man! Call my travel agent, I'm going to Alaska! Brent tells the camera that he's definitely nervous about the next 24 hours. Sissie tells the camera that she knows she won't get a proposal, but that she expects Brent to tell her that he's enjoyed his time with her and that hopefully he's fallen in love with her. She's trying to be realistic, God love her!

Cut to Cecile and Will. In separate soliloquies, Cecile states that she can see herself falling in love with Will. Will states that, "I do think there's a chance of Cecile and I being together." (In a menage' a trois with either Timmy or Rebekah, you mean.) "Best case scenario, you find a person that you like, you fall in love with, get married, and end up living happily ever after." They hug before Will disappears into the SUV, leaving Cecile standing there in the snow.

Now it's time for Rebekah and Jason to part. They tell each other what a great time they've had, and Rebekah tells the camera that she feels "so much closer to him!" I bet she doesn't know his middle name, favorite color, childhood pet's name, favorite food, favorite sports team, etc. These two still have a long way to go before they are close enough to make a long term commitment. Unless they plan on splitting up after the physical attraction wears off. Rebekah blathers on about how great it was (to have him spend the night), how they've bonded, and how she wishes they could do it again tonight, too. I'm sure she does. She simpers again for the camera. She's so saccharine, she could give lab rats tumors from 100 feet away.

Kurt tells the camera that he felt so limited by the time that he and Karen shared, that he didn't want to give up the last 24 hours. He describes their parting as "bittersweet" and Karen echoes the longing for more time together.

Andrea professes, "I'm definitely sad that he's leaving today, it's pretty hard, I got used to him pretty quickly!" Kristian and Andrea are both wearing purple parkas, he swoops her up in an embrace, and dips her theatrically. These two obviously have some chemistry, let's just hope that Kristian can put his priorities in line. Andrea tells the camera that if Kristian asked her to move to Alaska to see if this thing could work out, she definitely would do it. Steve the forgettable host's voice is heard warning the audience that the moment of truth is upon us, the moment that these women have been waiting for their entire lives. We see the women trying on and modeling their wedding gowns, veils, etc. They all look gorgeous, with professionally done hair and makeup. Well, Rebekah's hair looks a little stringy, but I'm willing to settle for the results. Karen confesses, "I can hardly breathe!" Rebekah's voice is heard stating, "I feel like a princess!" Nice choice of words. Sissie states, "I feel beautiful!" Rebekah is heard saying, "I love this, it's so pretty." All the women are shown swirling around in their gowns, checking their reflections out in the mirror to see how their butts look. Rebekah is satisfied: she still doesn't have one. Steve the forgettable host intones dramatically over the sound of wedding bells. He wonders out loud whether or not "these women have found the man of their dreams or if they will be left waiting at the alter." That's right, try to build up the tension a little more, Steve. Meanwhile, he's probably waiting his turn to try on the castoff wedding gowns and tiaras.

Finally, the moment of truth is really upon us, complete with more dramatic wedding bells in an ominous minor key. Steve is shown upon the shores of Promise Lake (a.k.a. "Pre-Pubescent" Lake in Kurt & Karen's case), awaiting Karen's arrival. Steve is wearing a brown fur parka, zipped halfway down for effect. ("Ooooh! Look at me, girls, don't I look RUGGED! Like Keanu Reeves!") Umm-hmm. Karen appears, slogging through the snow in her designer gown, with her little shoulders bared to the elements. I wonder why they don't show the temperature now. Maybe they don't want us feeling too sorry for the women at this point. It's a good thing she's wearing elbow length satin gloves to keep her warm. (By the way, my cynical side is wondering if that lake has always been named "Promise Lake," or if they renamed it for the show. I suspect it was probably named something like "Lake Ungatchgookamukalog" which translates to something like "place where the bears squat" in Aleutian.) Okay, back to Karen. She stands before Steve, so he can solemnly pontificate a little more and vogue in his mink for the cameras. Steve intones about how Karen "arrived several weeks ago at the shores of this very lake in a float plane, hoping to find a husband." (Or maybe just to meet some cute men and have a three-week all expense paid trip to Alaska.) "You picked Kurt on the glacier, and there was an instant chemistry." Yeah, like with Mary Kay LeTourneau and her boy-toy. Karen coyly tells that camera that yeah, "Kurt's a hotty, and he has a really nice body. But in addition to that, he's really, smart and he's really funny." Don't try to make it into something more than it is, Mrs. Robinson. Steve goes on to say that their "relationship progressed despite the age difference." Relationship? That's carrying it a little far, don't you think, Steve? They cut back to Karen's protestations that she thought that Kurt was a lot younger than her, but he's really not THAT much younger, that she dates men his age, etc. Steve runs through the list of guest appearances made by other bachelors hoping to win Karen's affections. We get another chance to see Karen cut poor Bob the Sasquatch down at the knees on public television. Steve attempts again to build the suspense, referring to how Karen chose Barney Rubble to be her alternate stud, and then rejected him, too, in favor of her backstreet boy Kurt. Steve instructs Karen to await the arrival of the float plane which might be bringing Kurt to propose marriage. If the pilot disembarks alone, then she should know that she's been stood up. Or left out in the cold, publicly exposed to the elements, as it were. If that happens, then "Your journey is over, you're free to go home. Alone." Yeah, rub it in Steve. When's the last time YOU committed yourself in a relationship to anything more meaningful than a houseplant, Steve? Charge accounts at the local "Structure" store don't count. Steve prances away with his hands tucked inside the opposite sleeve, like a Chinese Emperor. That's a real butch look, Steve: a pseudo muff. Go with that! More goofy tedious music plays in the background, as Karen stands alone on her mark, looking over her shoulders in an attempt to catch sight of the plane. The producers try to draw out the suspense, showing the plane looping around the lake once before coming in for a landing. The plane drifts to a halt. The pilot disembarks. Alone. We see the interior of the plane. It's empty. Kurt obviously had to get home before the street lights came on, in the curfew set by his Mom. Otherwise, no Nintendo before bedtime. Karen looks sheepish, as if to say, "What do we do now?" while Steve pounds home the obvious. "Kurt's not on that plane. You're free to go home. Alone." What other choice does she have? She looks around blankly, tries to school her expression into a blasé mask, and heads towards the plane. We see Kurt's "Dear Jane" soliloquy to Karen. He basically tells her she's a wonderful person, but he's not in the space right now in his life to make a commitment to anybody. You should have thought about that before coming on the show, Skippy. Now go back to your Nintendo game before your brother erases your high score.

Fox makes us wait through an insufferable amount of commercials before we see a bald eagle, soaring majestically through the air. (Lots more padding to stretch out the time.) Andrea arrives at the shores of Promise a.k.a. "Pressure" Lake at 1:30. Apparently the ladies have one hour to be either publicly humiliated or elated before they trot out the next victim. More dramatic music. Andrea arrives, draped in a fur cape. Good choice, Andrea. I wonder if she's wearing long johns under that gown. I'd be wearing so many layers down below that (to paraphrase Hawkeye from M*A*S*H) my thighs would forget what each other looked like. Steve goes into his solemn host schtick again, and alerts Andrea of her two possible outcomes. The plane circles. The music thumps on dramatically. The scene stretches on and on, alternating between Andrea swinging from side to side to stay warm, and the plane coming in for a landing. Steve recaps Andrea's romantic escapades while in Alaska. He runs through her roster of men, and pays particular attention to Patrick and Keith as possible suitors. Then Steve twists the knife, and we see a flashback as Kristian waffles about his hesitancy to commit to Andrea. Then it's back to Steve as the camera shows us Andrea's statistics: she has $10,000 in dowry moolah, she's never been picked first, etc. Steve drones on about how "hopefully Kristian is on that plane and will ask you to marry him. If he's not, you're free to go home. Alone." Okay, Zsa Zsa, we get the point already. This is getting tedious. Lots more filler stock footage of beautiful scenes of the lake and the circling plane. Shadows on the mountains. The plane touches down. Alright, already! Cut to the chase! The bongo drums crescendo dramatically. Andrea rocks on her heels, looking around. Here comes the shiny red plane. Could they spin this out a little more? Andrea has a half smile on her face, as she realizes there's someone on board. Kristian disembarks, beaming broadly, wearing a navy blue jacket. How many coats does this man own? Either he's a clothes horse, or the wardrobe mistress had a crush on him. Andrea looks down, smiles, and pulls back an errant lock of hair. Then, as she has done before in moments of great pressure, she starts making some of the weirdest expressions. She keeps pursing her lips and drawing her eyebrows up and forward. It's very distracting. They greet each other coyly and Kristian compliments her beauty. Now it's Andrea's turn to simper. Kristian takes out his notes, and reads her a very nice speech he has composed. He is very complimentary in it, and alludes to "our adventure." Kristian asks Andrea if she would consider spending more time with him. She's making those faces throughout his paean, and answers in the affirmative. She breaks the tension by hugging him and saying, "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" Au contraire, I'm betting it was exceedingly difficult for Mr. Non-committal. I'm surprised and proud of him. Good for you, Kristian, you stepped up to the plate. Now they stroll off down the shores of Moose Breath Lake. He's carrying her bouquet so she has her hands free to hoist 20 pounds of silk tulle' through the snowdrifts. In a touching final scene, her fur cape slips off one shoulder, and Kristian solicitously pulls it back into place for her. Let's just hope he knows what to do if that whole Heimlich issue comes up again.

We're subjected to another five minutes of commercials, before it's Rebekah's turn to appear at "Pretence" Lake. Princess is wearing a tiara, of course. The only thing she's missing is a silk sash declaring her homecoming queen. She has a muff with a hooded fur cape. The producers provide a low down of her dating stats: how many times she's been chosen first, what her dowry is up to ($23,000), etc. Steve sums up Rebekah's conquests (this could take a while). We flash back to her declaring how she loves men, it's just her nature. It's hilarious to see them show her pantheon of idiots as they plea for her hand... one after another we see her suitors declare their choice "Rebekah!" We are subjected to scene after scene of Rebekah carrying on, bobbing her head, flashing her eyes, and working her dark arts. Then we see Rebekah rhapsodizing about Jason. And how she likes him on all levels (bed, floor, sofa, table {Thank you, Margaret}). How Rebekah chose Jason above all others as her suitor. We cut back to Rebekah waiting for the plane to land. Her head bobs every now and again (she can't help herself, it's second nature.) The producers spin this scene out to interminable lengths. Rebekah is shown beaming as the plane touches down. She's simpering and wiggling in anticipation. It's evident that she expects someone to be on board; how could it be otherwise? For she is Rebekah, self-confident siren, queen of all she surveys, princess of the silver screen. It's priceless to see the dawn of realization steal over her features as she comes to the conclusion that Jason is not on that plane. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost. Her smile disappears and her eyes go ice cold. Her velociraptor interior comes to the surface for a fleeting moment. Steve the forgettable host appears on the scene, anxious to rub it in. Jason's not on that plane. You are free to go home. Alone. She struggles to marshal her expression into a placid smile, but fine cracks appear in her composure. She manages to make it to the plane before her demeanor falls apart, but only just. I'm betting the pilot overheard some priceless sounds emerging from the cabin. At least he won't have to heat the plane's interior, her mighty wrath will bubble over and scald the naugahyde off the seats. It's now Jason's turn to present his videographic "Dear Jane" letter. Rebekah, you're an amazing woman, etc. He mentions that she's chosen to reveal herself to him, she's a woman of depth, etc. Who? Rebekah? Are we talking about the same person, here? He even refers to the princess (using the universal hand signal for quotation marks) being as beautiful on the inside as on the outside. Yeah, like the inside of a volcano is beautiful. Or the way the light shines from the multifaceted eyes of a female praying mantis is beautiful, before she rips off her mate's head and eats it alive. Or the power and grace of a charging bull is beautiful, in the moment before it impales you on it's horns, flips you over it's back, and tramples your groin repeatedly. That kind of beautiful. Jason sums it all up by thanking her for sharing her time with him, and sweetly admonishes Rebekah not to get into too many snowball fights in California. He looks like he might brim over with emotion if he's not careful. It's a good thing his self-preservation instincts kicked in.

Cecile arrives at Promise Lake at 3:30 p.m. wearing a different gown than we've seen in the opening credits. She's also got a fur cape and muff ensemble, and her hair is swept up and back in a fetching braid across her crown. Her make-up looks exquisite, too. We are tormented with the whole Cecile/Timmy/Psycho Tim drama again, and shown how Will supposedly sweeps her off her feet. Then Steve crows about Cecile's second highest dowry total of $16,000. Then we get the prerequisite drawn out sequence of Cecile fidgeting on the shores of "Perturbed" Lake waiting for her man. The plane touches down, the pilot exits, and no one else does. Steve rushes over to inform a smiling Cecile that Will is not on the plane. She is still smiling (perhaps she's caught a glimpse of another passenger, or the whole concept of possibly being stood up hasn't sunk in yet). Steve goes on to inform her that "there's another gentleman on the plane hoping to have a few words with you." She smiles and says "OK," nodding her head, looking slightly concerned. We see TIMMAH! Yeah! Timmy has disembarked, accompanied by an angelic chorus, and he's beaming as he makes his way up to her. Cecile is beaming as she looks upon her long lost midnight snack. She's practically vibrating with joy at the sight of him. Her dimples are touching the nape of her neck! They greet one another shyly, beaming all the while. He tells her that when he came here, he was nervous, under a lot of pressure, wasn't honest with himself or her, etc. He refers to her as a beautiful woman. He asks for a second chance. She blinks hard and replies, "I would love to!" They embrace over and over again, and caress one another. They're flirting and gazing deeply into one another's eyes. They hug again. They stroll off into the snow together. But what happened to Will? Can I have your leftovers, Cecile, if you're not going to eat them? (Wink*wink)! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO WILL! They should have spent some time showing us what was going on in his head, instead of showing us scene after scene of the pontoon plane circling Promise Lake! I want closure, dammit!

The producers have saved the best for last: Sissie and Brent. Sissie arrives on the shores of Promise Lake. (See how I used the real name, there, kids? More foreshadowing!) She is wearing short sleeves (brrr!) and a fur stole. She looks gorgeous. The professional hairstylists have even managed to tame her curls into a gorgeous mane. I have naturally curly locks myself, trust me, I know how hard that can be. Steve gives her his summation of her Alaskan experience. We see from the get go that it's been Brent, Brent, Brent this whole time. We see Sissie subjected to the unwanted attentions of the other suitors, despite her best efforts to dissuade them. We see Sissie and Brent rhapsodize about one another on a variety of endless themes. We see Sissie sweetly and politely kick the other suitors to the curb. Steve refers to Brent and Sissie as "Soulmates," and he makes note of how Sissie has "devoted her heart and soul to Brent." Sissie awaits the plane's arrival. The suspenseful music builds to a momentous crescendo as the shiny red plane makes it's presence known. Sissie smiles tentatively. She shakes her head meekly as if to say, "Nah, it ain't happening!" The plane touches down, the pilot jumps out, and lo and behold, there's another pair of feet! Brent's here to rescue his lady love! He approaches in his usual "Aww, shucks, ma'am, it tweren't nuthin'!" style, and she beams at him, emanating waves of warmth. I'm guessing that she doesn't feel the cold at this moment in time. The music has changed to a beautiful serenade involving a flute and piano. Brent vows his love for Sissie. Sissie nods her head. Brent asks her a few questions. Sissie nods her head during the entire process. It appears that she can't stop. "Would you be willing to meet my kids?" She's nodding. "You know how important my kids are to me..." (still nodding). "Would you be willing" (nod, nod, nod...) "to come up to Alaska?" (nodding vigorously). He mentions visiting her home and family in the south (NOD, NOD, NOD) etc. I'm surprised her head doesn't snap off her neck! He pauses, blinking rapidly. She smiles tenderly, and warns him, "Don't make me cry!" He continues, and asks her, seeing what all things are like, how it goes with the families, etc. (Uh-oh, she's stopped nodding, here it comes:) Would you be willing to move up to Alaska? (the nodding recommences) "Would you marry me?" (BIG NOD YES!) The music swells! The emotion swells! Tears well! Little Brent swells! Love at first sight does exist, gentle readers, and here is living proof! They both look a little weepy. They embrace, holding onto one another for dear life. They kiss. They cling together, and look out at the lake in each other's arms, absent-mindedly watching the prop plane depart without them. Sissie states, "I've waited a long time for you!" Brent admits that he's "trying not to cry, big time." and how he practiced over and over again in front of the mirror last night. Aww! They both admit to praying feverishly before the big moment. Once again, I ask you, "How can you NOT like this couple?" It's impossible! They are both so genuine, so sincere, and so obviously smitten with one another! I'm grinning maniacally and wiping tears from my eyes (Shut-up! I don't want to hear a word! Yes, even jaded cynics such as myself have their tender side!). This is even more poignant than miracle births or puppies being rescued from dire circumstances! I can't stand it! Brent kisses Sissie tenderly on the forehead, then they stroll off arm in arm.

The music plays on majestically, as we are treated to shots of the various couples, along with captions updating the audience with the latest information. "Sissie moved to Alaska to pursue a relationship with Brent." "Karen returned to New Hampshire. She and Kurt have not seen each other since." (Maybe she forgot to leave Kurt the paperboy a tip.) "Andrea returned to San Francisco. She and Kristian are maintaining a long-distance romance." "Rebekah has returned to Los Angeles. She has not seen Jason since." "Tim visited Cecile in California. Afterwards he told her he did not want a relationship." The credits appear over a background showing the Northern Lights and the stars.

As an aside to Will: I have long dark hair and flashing dark eyes. I'm currently single, and I love the wilderness. My family lived in Anchorage for a time, and I'm not adverse to living in Alaska! I love teachers, and certain sports, especially hockey! And I'm very even-tempered, just ask any of my friends! I'd like to audition, please, for the role of Will's girlfriend. Or Terry the Mensch. Or Doug the state trooper (who would probably think I'm too old, at 36, but what the hell, nothing ventured, nothing gained). Come to think of it, there were an awful lot of cute men standing on that glacier that were not showcased. Maybe it's time to plan a trip up north...

Suzanne Tromblay is a licensed social worker with the State of Ohio.

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