Under One Roof, Episode 3: The Rise and Fall of the Mighty Skofields

Last Week: We learned that Mike Skofield has the power to tell you when to be offended, the McCraes have had a rough upbringing and they have terrific kids, the Hatmakers have a soul, and Jorge Pagani just freaking rocks! We also said goodbye to the Distels.

But before we get to this week, there is a bit of housecleaning to do. Michelle Hatmaker has graciously advised me that Daniel Hatmaker was not involved in the McCrae prank, as I reported last week. My apologies to Daniel Hatmaker! So, Women of the World Who May Potentially Date Daniel Hatmaker: never mind what I said!

We get to know Daniel a lot better this episode. The Women of the World Who etc. may constitute a long line!

Once again, the families:

• The Paganis - Jorge, Robin, Giancarlo, Bianca, and Marchella
• The McRaes - Larry, Jeanell, Shannon, Kirsten, and Trent
• The Skofields - Mike, Holly, Matt and Brittany
• The Hatmakers - Mark Anderson, Michelle, Daniel, and Jonathan

The Distels are gone and don't seem missed. Michelle Hatmaker notes the house is less crowded and there are interesting things afoot. Mike Skofield, in another segment of 'The World According to Mike Skofield,' says the McCraes took the crate and trash and chair in front of the bedroom prank personally and that's a big mistake. He also reveals that Mark Anderson said he was 'five minutes from going off' during the spider challenge. Mike shows no fear. Fool.

Michelle says the families remaining were the more aggressive. Shannon McCrae says that she can't deal with some of families, whining and complaining. They don't know hard times! They are trying to win the house because they NEED it.

Kirsten, in her eleven-year-old way, reveals that Matt Skofield and Marchela Pagani are getting along really, really, really well. Fearing his child may be interesting without him, Mike says he "suggested" that Matt snog a bit with Marchela for info. Robin thinks the "Blue Lagoon" romance is cute. Robin, did you SEE Blue Lagoon?

Mark and Michelle have, and they urge Giancarlo Pagani to have a little chat with Mack Daddy Skofield. Gian says that as soon as Matt "messes up," that's when he'll get in! Mike (pimp), says Brittany cast a glance at Gian, but found angel-face Jon Hatmaker more fun. Michelle says whatever, as long as Jon can separate the business from the fun.

Daniel Hatmaker fairly jigs that Jon is gonna "do some damage!" Michelle doesn't look pleased with this espionage spin on the island romances. Deftly changing the subject, Daniel prognosticates that the McCrae prank wouldn't have happened if they weren't so fragile.

Larry, not feeling fragile, has another pep talk and doesn't tell anyone to shut up this time. He's more concerned that they come together and focus. To Hell with Mike Skofield. Ah, but Mike says he's not done with the McCraes, but when he's done, he's gonna trifle with the Hatmakers (featuring Mark Anderson). A complete fool.

Family Face-Off time! Winning this challenge gives the family a choice of an Advantage Item that MAY HELP IN THE PROPERTY QUEST, or a really gnarly bitchin’ something for home. If the winning family passes on the Advantage Item, the second place family gets it. The challenge is to turn over a rug. On a raft. In the water. Without touching the raft or the water. Lots of head-scratching all around.

Creepy Rob Nelson (I've figured out what's wrong with him. His voice didn't change! His body has grown since 13, but his voice is stuck there!) will be the ump. If he sees anyone touching the raft, they have to start over. It's a grueling contest, appearing to have gone close to three hours, but the Hatmakers emerge victorious! Tell 'em what they won Rob!

Michelle has been through this before, she's bouncing! Advantage Item: a rake. woo-hoo. Way-cool item: four tickets to the 2002 World Series! No cartwheels for Michelle this time. Screw it, says Jon. Daniel, big-time baseball fan, says he wants to go. Overruled. They take the rake.

In a stunning shade of green, Matt says he's tired of seeing the Hatmakers win. Michelle notes that she sees flashes of sadness and anger in her sons. It hasn't been that long since they lost their father. Mark comments to her that she's been too busy to really grieve. Michelle talks about how Jon keeps the green rosary from the funeral home to remember his father (complete with grainy black and white slow-mo shot of Jonathan tenderly holding the green crucifix). I'm welling up!

They aren't finished with me yet!

Oprah, er, Holly Skofield, grills Daniel about Michelle and Mark in that 'I don't really care, I'm just curious' tone that suggests she's DYING to get the scoop. Daniel, cheeks flushed because this woman who has probably paid him no attention before suddenly is his confidante, says nope, they ain't dating.

Holly nods. Go on!

Feeling the need to educate Mrs. Kravitz, Daniel says, in a Texas accent that rolls like syrup off a pancake, "You can't define a family by blood, they could have brought two lesbians couples, and it still would have been a family." Holly looks at him blankly (perhaps captivated by the Matthew McConnaughey-quality of that accent), then realizes she's supposed to talk. "That's good. Um. Keep that open mind! It'll take you a long way. (away from being a pack of jackals like me and my family who don't understand the difference between having fun and being insensitive)."

Michelle predicts to Mark that somewhere somehow, someone is gonna approach them about their nontraditional family. Mark looks very ready for that discussion.

Suddenly, we are thrust into some sort of meeting with Rob Nelson, who has been pulled away from the Fijian Honeys, but not for long, I bet. What's up with the pranks? Be brief. I have, uh, things to do.

Mike clearly states that it was his plan, and it apparently isn't new news based on the reactions on the families. It's fun to pick on people who get irritated. (I don't think 'irritated' quite sums it up.) But, he has no agenda. He's just an a--hole, no more, no less.

Larry says he definitely thinks Mike has an agenda, but no comment.

Mike offers that after all of that, he will still pass the time of day and thank Larry for cooking and stuff. How big of me! He goes on to say that he has treated Larry's family with the "utmost respect." Trent and Shannon McCrae look at each other, incredulous. Trash in front of our bedroom is respect? Larry ponders. "I had nothing to do with the trash!" Mike blurts. Nice. Pin it on the kids!

Trent has heard enough and says-- "shut up Trent, let your mother talk!" Larry needs to work on those communication skills. I heard Trent's teeth click. Jeanell raises the EXCELLENT point that Mike doesn't have that kind of familiarity with them to pull a prank like that and, if he did know them, he wouldn't have done it. (Translation: We are not your friends, have fun with your friends, treat people you barely know with some modicum of respect!) You'd think that would register. No dice. Mike says maybe they should just lighten up. (Again, Mike has the ability to tell you when to be offended and when not. So, step to!)

Larry says he has nothing against Mike, to clarify, he wants nothing to do with the whole lot of hyenas. Naturally, the hyenas laugh. So respectful.

In a shattering, sparkling, heart-clutching moment of what may have actually been as close to sincerity as he can get, Mike says, "I really meant it in a light-hearted way and maybe I'll just have to show you that I'm not a mean-spirited person." The McCraes roll their eyes, but I had to stop the tape and replay that line three times looking for a hint of sarcasm. I didn't find any. Rob doesn't know what to do with this either, and breaks up the meeting.

Michelle hopes the issue is dead now, Robin can't believe families are fighting. You guys, let's be positive and focus and win! Rah-rah-rah! Gimme a P! Gimme an A! Actually, she tells her family she is proud of them and she loves them and hugs all of her kids individually as Jorge Pagani beams. A nice moment.

A tense conference between Mike and Holly and Larry and Jeanell ensues. Mike says let's not rehash, (so what do you WANT?). Larry says he doesn't have a problem (he's actually saying he does not care about them at all. Like if they were on fire, he wouldn't... you know). Holly declares no more pranks. Larry says 'yeah.' Holly then, dumbly says, if something else happens, Larry will smell Skofields. Of course he will! Even Mike agrees, "That's okay, I would too!"

And he should, because Mike has a new plan. In their bedroom, Holly and Mike trash the McCraes. Why won't they just retaliate? Why won't they just pull some childish nonsense and stoop to our level? What's WRONG with them? The McCraes wouldn't last ten minutes with their friends (they have some? May be the most shocking revelation of this episode!). They'd be all crying and stuff.

Mark notices, in the late night hours, the kids seem to be disappearing to the darker points of the island. This must be addressed. He better hurry because Jon is asking Brittany, under a blanket, if she's trying to eat his lips! She is a Skofield. But a noise in the distance interrupts Brittany's feast. It's Mike taping the McCrae's family flag to a high branch of a tree! Ugh.

Brittany tells her Dad she doesn't think Jon will snitch. But, she's feeling some pangs. Brittany laments to her brother, "there will be so much crap tomorrow!" Matt says they'll just do what they last time: the old "I saw nothing, I heard nothing, I know nothing" routine. Never fails. Oops! Daniel overhears this and Matt sees him overhearing.

Daniel is convinced that his brother's new girlfriend is not to be trusted. He wants Jon to strike her before she can strike him. How, Daniel? "Make her fall in love with you," he tells Jon. "She's a 15-year-old girl! It's not hard to make a 15-year-old girl fall in love with you!" He does it all the time! He could be walking down the street and BANG, there's another 15-year-old girl, in love with him! Trying to eat his lips! The wicked little smile that crosses Jon's face suggests he's up to the task! The Fabulous Hatmaker Boys, ladies and gentleman!

Next morning, Larry sees the flag and sounds thoroughly tired of the whole thing. "It's taped with duct tape and only one family came here with duct tape." Any guesses? Mike says, oh yeah, he's sure Larry knows that it was them. Trent is pretty fed up with the Skofields, himself. He was primed to let loose a tirade at the meeting before Larry muzzled him. "I'm more mature than (Mike) is!" That is a true statement.

Mark says Mike's plan is to get under Larry's skin and make him do something, but it's not working. Larry tells Trent he won't even give Mike the satisfaction of a reaction. Jeanell notices their flag is now on the ground, in front of the house, in plain view of everyone. She's not picking it up. Neither is Larry, and that is annoying the hell out of Mike. Larry says it can stay there until he feels like dealing with it. Mike can't believe it. "But it's your flag!" he whines, "How long are you gonna stand on princ-" Larry gives Mike the hand-wave of dismissal and walks away. The international symbol for 'get out of my face.'

The sound you hear is the sound of the last straw breaking! Jeanell says she won't waste time on Mike anymore. Again, Holly whines that she wishes the McCrae's would just retaliate (yet, I sense that she wants that so it will be over with!). Mike thinks it'll be a hoot if all the Skofields make a show of picking up the flag. Holly snaps, "You pick it up!" I don't think Mike is accustomed to that. He goes to pick up the flag without comment. Holly throws an interesting spin on the situation: "Mike is saying, 'I'm taking my toys and going home. You're no fun to play with.'"

Whatever.

The other families seem through with the Skofields' antics, as well. A lesson Mike seems to have forgotten from the schoolyard days: bullies will eventually be overthrown. Daniel recounts how the other families are completely ignoring the Skofields. No talking, no acknowledgement. Brittany feels the pinch, "I don't like feeling like no one likes me." Even Matt, the programmed numero uno son of Skofield complains, "I can't help what my Dad does!" Kirsten asks what do they expect? What indeed.

Michelle admits that she may be taking out her feelings about Mike on his kids. She broaches the topic of “Jon 'n' Brittany” to Jon and the conversation goes something like, "If you cut it off, it will mess with her head." Appealing to his competitive side. Moms are so smart.

But Jon likes having his lips eaten! "What? Mom!"

"I'm just saying think about it."

"But, my lips! My hormones!"

"I know sweetie. There will be plenty of girls to eat your lips."

"Yeah, but she's EVIL and she's GOOD at eating my lips."

"Just think about it."

Jon walks off in an 'aww man' shuffle.

Property Quest time! The slate has been wiped clean, all families back to zero ribbons. The family with the least ribbons after the next Property Quest will join the Distels on Loser Island (whoops, wrong show!) -- will have to leave the house.

This Property Quest is a doozy. They will walk over hot coals! Bianca says the thought of walking over coals has never even crossed her (11-year-old) mind. Me either.

First, some old broad comes on talks about conquering their fears. She has everyone write down the fears they have that keep them from moving forward. Michelle says she fears being alone, Daniels says he's afraid of his mother or brother dying. These Hatmaker boys are making my heart ache!

We see various family members snapping their arrows, by resting their arrow between their necks and a board. Doesn't that feel better? Jury inconclusive. Holly ixnays taking her broken arrow home with her. She has enough to deal with. She's married to Mike.

The family with the most members who successfully walk the coals wins. Winning the Family Face-Off, the Hatmakers can rake away two feet of hot coals. What a rip.

The Paganis have more drama with Bianca. Robin says she thinks this may be too dangerous for Bianca. But, watching family after family walk the coals seems to have changed her disposition. Jorge crosses, Robin crosses, Bianca... uh oh. Gian tries to tell the wailing Bianca that it's easy, watch me, and he skitters along like he just crossed the mall food court. See? Bianca ain't feeling it. Robin swoops in and grabs Bianca by the face and yells, "You don't fail anything! Do you understand me?" No pressure there, Mom. Bianca says she got so annoyed with having her Mom in her face, she just did it to shut her up. Bianca goes across (in record time! It was more like sprinting across the coals! I don't think she hit the ground more than twice! Hey, she's 11) into the waiting, loving arms of Jorge. Robin joins them in a group hug. You know that Bianca is gonna be a firecracker in her adult years!

But, there is now a dead-heat!

Round two is Fijian marble shooting. Six marbles in a circle in the sand. The families have to shoot marbles Fijian style: flicking a marble with their middle fingers, using the hand as a sort of catapult. Stand behind this line, the first family to knock a marble out of the circle wins! It looks tough.

Matt says it was harder than the rug challenge.

Eventually, Trent McCrae knocks out a marble! The McCraes win! Mike Skofield knocks out a marble. Second place! (Mike grumbles that while his family shot, no one cheered, no one encouraged. Oh how the mighty have fallen!) Now the Paganis and Hatmakers have on their game faces. Robin says she noticed that the successful families seemed to flick their whole hands to build some velocity in the marble. She tells Jorge to do that. He does and it works! Paganis third!

The Hatmakers (featuring Mark Anderson and the Fabulous Hatmaker Boys) are in last. Michelle looks sick. Mark acknowledges that they don't like to lose. Mike admits glee at seeing the Hatmakers finally lose. Rob squeaks that the Hatmakers have the opportunity to take an Isolation Challenge. It can be worth two ribbons. Mark says there is no food there. Daniel says he doesn't care either way (which means, “I don't want to, but you're gonna make me”), Michelle seems gung-ho ("I didn't come all this way to give up!"), Jon? "You know what I say!" (If I can't get my lips eaten, I may as well do this). The answer is yes. The families disburse.

Brittany gives Jon a look that could only be described as 'you belong to me! Don't let me hear about any of Rob's Fijian Honeys pulling you in a bush and tasting your lips!' Generally, girls don't learn that look until college!

The score after the first Property Quest:

The McCraes - 3 ribbons
The Skofields - 2 ribbons
The Paganis - 1 ribbon
The Hatmakers - nuffin'

On the way to the isolation challenge, the Hatmakers (featuring Mark Anderson and the Fabulous Hatmaker Boys) see bats. Great. They are directed to a treehouse. Spend the night in it and solve this here brain twister (put these oddly shaped Fijian marble sticks into a four sided pyramid) and you get two ribbons, Rob beams. He's clearly late for the door. Oh! Watch out for the bats! Mark looks like he wants to throw something at him. Michelle says Mark and Daniel are complete babies. They complain. A lot.

Mark says he doesn't like "anything that (Mike) stands for." Better reviews for the McCraes. Daniel thinks that Shannon, Trent, and Kirsten will one day appreciate how affectionate Larry is with them. It may not be until he is gone. "What I wouldn't kill to have Dad back to say 'I love you' one more time."

I can't remember the last time I wanted to hug an 18-year-old man/boy so much.

Next week: Daniel and Matt look like they may come to blows. Jeanell tells someone to Shut. Up. A secret is revealed that has everyone bulging in the eyes and covering their mouths, and one family has got to go!

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