The Anna Nicole Smith Show, Derailment . . . er, Episode 2

The first week of the 13-episode reality series, The Anna Nicole Smith Show, aired on the seventh anniversary of her husband’s death, August 4. The next day saw the many glowing reviews. Glowing in red-hot anger and venom that is. As reported on CNN, Ken Ringle of the Washington Post called the episode, “like a trip to the vomitorium.” Caryn James of the New York Times, meanwhile, blossomed with the news that the program was “the forefront of the latest wave of reality programs, freak shows that are a step below celebrity boxing.” These were actually two of the kinder reviews about the program.

The reaction from reviewers and viewers was uncanny on August 5th, bringing tears to my eyes as I watched our nation come together as one and admit that the program was “a train wreck.” It was amazing – men and women of all races and creeds shared a common nightmare and could find something they shared in: the common bitterness and anger towards The Anna Nicole Smith Show. At this rate, I think the program could bring about world peace.

Seriously, the most startlingly thing about the program was how well it did in the ratings, with a 4.1 Nielsen rating, putting it about . . . oh . . . 89th for the week. Still, 89th in the ratings is a huge jump for the E! cable network, so they’re happy. Meanwhile, Nielsen Families have to hide in shame, from what I understand. I believe an investigation of the Families will be imminent.

Imminent. That’s a word meaning “soon to come” or “looming.”

I wanted to explain the word just in case somebody is reading this review to Anna Nicole.

The people at E! are euphoric (meaning happy, ecstatic . . . oh, never mind) in thinking that the series will go up in the ratings with each week of the program. However, I predict that will not be the case. Maybe the ratings this week will be high, due to the bad publicity about what a unfunny horror that the program is, but after that, it will fall. To do the “train wreck” terminology one better – people may slow down for an accident along the side of the road, but there are not many that will turn around to see it 12 more times.

With that, on with the review of the second episode:

The episode starts with a little teaser, just like last week’s episode, where ANS talks directly to the camera. ANS doesn’t appear to be reading from cue-cards this time around, but the dialogue is just as stilted as last week. In a “Precious Moments” statement, she claims that the house she has will not be a home “until I’ve brought my husband over.”

No, the episode isn’t about her robbing graves (although that actually could have made ANS appear less creepy than normal, surprisingly enough). We’ll get to the whole “housewarming party for the deceased” in a moment.

After the opening credits, ANS, ANS’ assistant Kim, and ANS’ lawyer Howard K. Stern move into the house. Stern shows her some recent photos he had developed and ANS complains that she looks like Porky Pig. No one argues her point.

ANS then tells viewers that she is slurring her words due to a retainer she has in her mouth. That would have been my second guess.

As ANS’ Hello, Kitty television set arrives (and, boy, I bet that’s a great endorsement), Bobby Trendy comes by. Trendy is, of course with a name like that, the decorator. Bobby takes ANS around the house to describe how he will fix it up. Viewers, no doubt, wonder why Bobby is bothering to tell ANS anything, as it is obvious from her expression that she is not retaining any of it in the ol’ memory banks. I mean, it’s like HAL after Dave has pulled all the files out. I expect her to start singing “Daisy” at any moment.

ANS’ dog, Sugar Pie, is then given a teddy bear to hump as Stern, ANS, the camera crew, and Trendy look on. Trendy looks creeped out. Okay, maybe he doesn’t.

They all go to Bobby’s store to discuss what should go in the house. Trendy’s store looks like a cross between Pee Wee’s Playhouse and a bordello in a trailer-park. In more delicate terms, it would be enough to make Liberace rise from the dead and puke. In even more delicate words, it’s perfect for ANS, and Bobby is determined to “make ANS more at home.”

Insert your own ANS joke here.