American Idol, Week 11: Shocker!

Remember that Saturday Night Live skit with Mike Myers as a kid with a hyperactive condition whose mom latched a helmet on his head and harnessed him to a jungle gym? Nicole Kidman was in it, too… she was taunting him, then she gave him some candy, which caused him to freak out and drag the jungle gym across the playground… while he was still attached to it?

Yeah, that was Ryan Seacrest last week. He must've been snorting Pixie Stix before the show. We thought the hosts were annoying before? Oh, Lord. Okay, four more words about it and then I won't mention it again: Ryan - Ritalin. Get some.

On to the important stuff. The theme of the week was music from the 80s and 90s. (Advantage: McKibbin.) Each kid gets to sing two songs tonight. I wonder if that's one from each decade, or if they can sing two songs from the 80s, or what? All I know is that I'm bracing myself for Nikki's long-awaited rendition of "I Love Rock & Roll." (Shudder.)

Randy Jackson is introduced as "our very own crop circle." You know, Randy has an awfully good sense of humor to not stand up and deck those two morons every week… or, rather, whoever writes this crappy dialogue. After mentioning the lovely Paula Abdul, they turn the spotlight on Simon: "The president of the Simon Cowell fan club - Simon Cowell! Simon, did you get a haircut this week? You should hire a lawyer and sue your barber." Um, get a clue, guys - the only one who is funny when using Simon's material is… Simon, oddly enough.

The kids go to YM Magazine for some advice on how to handle the media frenzy. (Lots and lots of drugs… oh, no wait, that's how other famous kids handle it. Don't worry - for now, just smile and wave a lot. Nikki, you keep winking at people. You just need to wait about another four to eight weeks and it'll all be over.)

Tamyra comes out first and sings the song "New Attitude." After moving around with absolutely no sense of rhythm for the first eight bars, she eventually finds her groove… but damned if she can remember the words. Oops. She sings it well, but her voice sounds really strained… and for the first time ever, she looks awkward on stage. (What have these kids been up to all week that would disrupt the pace of the mighty and powerful Tamyra?) The judges say (paraphrasing with brevity this week):

Randy: Tough song… that was not your best performance, dawg.

Paula: I agree with Randy.

Simon: It was okay. You can prove yourself the second time around.

Nikki McKibbin sings Alanis Morrisette's song "Mary Jane." (What? No Joan Jett? Okay, must be the next one.) She lags behind the beat for the first four bars - nothing new there. She shouts - nothing new there, either. She hits more of the notes correctly than ever before. (Has anyone else noticed that Nikki has a bit of a pitch problem? Maybe it's just me.) This was the best I've ever heard her - no, that does not mean that's she's good all of a sudden, just good for her. But, let's face it - no matter how well Nikki did, Tamyra and Kelly both could stand as still as an eggplant on stage and forget nine-tenths of the lyrics and still sing any song better than Nikki will ever sing anything. But as she's gotten this far, I'm sure no one else will notice, particularly our esteemed panel of judges.

Randy: Good choice for you. That was one of your better performances, but it wasn't unbelievable for me. It was just all right.

Paula: (Strike up the violins, Paula is about to speak…) You've risen above the adversity of being in the bottom three the past few times (um, try since the beginning of time) and you've found your comfort zone tonight.

Simon: I said last week that you had to come back and believe that you could win… and that was a fantastic performance. That's exactly what you're all about.

Yep, Nikki - the one-trick shouting pony. What a tremendous talent she is. Giddy-up.

Moving on to Kelly. After Brian Dunkleman cracks an incredibly stupid joke (as if specification were needed on that) lost on anyone who doesn't live within the Los Angeles area, she performs "It's Raining Men." Although she sings it with technical perfection, she lacks conviction this time. I don't feel it. I mean, I just don't think she believes that it actually is raining men; therefore, I can't believe it, either. Maybe the judges do, though.

Randy: Amazing.

Paula: Your voice is bigger than two weather girls put together. (For those who don't know, the song was originally performed by two rather large women called "The Weather Girls"… and Paula, that comedy writer you hired is really earning his minimum wage now!)

Simon: I'm looking forward to your second song - that was good, but I think you can do better.