American Idol: The Case for Kelly

The performances are over. The phone lines are swamped, and the final vote will be tallied tonight. In 24 hours the judges will go back into the shadows after their most recent forays into the crosshairs of the Cult of Personality and the co-hosts will begin preparing the explanations for weeks of insipid smiles and dialogue simplistic enough to make Dr. Seuss roll over in his grave. (My odds are on, "Hey, we were contractually obligated to read those cue cards and they threatened our families lives each time we went off script.")

Did tonight's big final performance show sway a single voter? It's doubtful. The decision has already been made for the faithful. The legion of new viewers that tuned in after a weeklong deluge of promotional publicity is unlikely to jam the phone lines. The British version of the show has already set the precedent that the name of the final winner means little. Both of the finalists from Pop Idol have stormed the charts "across the pond" and the winner is just the first to perform in front of a large and lucrative American music audience. You can bet the runner up won't be far behind. We know for a certainty that at least 3 of the final 10 singers will be all over the radio in months to come. We also know that if there is any taste left in the music world Kelly's version of "Respect" will soon duke it out with Justin's "Let's Stay Together" on the charts as the follow-up singles to the schmaltzy pop ballads they are required to release.

So we look forward to the season finale where the "winner" will finally be revealed to the hungry viewers. Every pop culture writer in the country is sitting at the monitor right now handicapping and preparing to step out on a limb with his or her prediction. Simon and company are sitting back and relaxing this evening and if one person in America is out there tonight thinking, "If ______ doesn't win I'll just die," Simon will know he has done his job well. Since I won't be taking Miss Cleo's place anytime soon as the pre-eminent psychic in the nation, I'll start off with a few of the easier predictions.

The two-hour long extravaganza will be crammed full of:

Recaps, recaps, recaps. WATCH as a nervous Kelly and Justin make their first 30 second appearances before the judges! THRILL as once again we see the looks of astonishment as the finalists survive week after week of voting! QUIVER with anticipation as we view brief clips of the performances that have led up to this exciting finale! WINCE in agony as they show us for the thousandth time the worst moments of those who have been voted off in previous weeks and then EMPATHIZE as we are shown these same people sitting in the audience with their carefully constructed smiles firmly in place.

We will also be treated to at least two dozen forgettable and tragically unfunny lines of dialogue from our co-hosts as they flash overbites at the camera. Look closely and you will actually be able to see the "career dissipation lights" blinking in their eyes as they realize that their proverbial 15 minutes are a mere few seconds away from expiring.

We'll also doubtlessly have to sit through yet another forced round of "my writer can kick your writer's butt" as Simon and Paula struggle in vain to inject some tension into the show. This will likely come during the closing comments that each of the judges will make to each of the singers. Justin and Kelly will each be told that they have long careers ahead of them and the phrase, "There really are no losers here, and it's a shame that only one of you can wear the crown of American Idol" will be uttered by Randy Jackson and dutifully repeated by Paula Abdul.

Let's not forget the eighty preview commercials for the Fox fall season, or the nine hundred Old Navy "Rugby Bunch" commercials that will make us all realize that Morgan Fairchild looks mighty good for a lady in her early 90's.

Intelligent viewers, knowing that the final decision won't be announced until the closing half hour of the show will nicely boost the ratings by doing housework and homework while the show runs in the background "just in case."

After the winner is crowned, the majority of viewers who voted the other way will immediately say, "I knew it!" and swear up and down that it was their votes that put the winner over the top.

Starting tomorrow night, I'll be waiting for The Amazing Race to premiere its new season so I'll have something new to watch and write about.

Oh yeah, who do I think will win?

While watching tonight I noticed what I feel is the contrast between Kelly and Justin. Justin is such a charismatic person that when he walks out on stage you watch him and wonder what he's going to sing. Kelly has such a powerful voice that the moment she starts singing you listen and wonder what the woman that owns that voice looks like. To steal a line from the movie To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar, it comes down to the ancient question of style over substance. The winner?

Justin

But Kelly will have a singing career that will last for years after Justin makes the jump to movie star. I'd write more, but I have to call in my votes for Kelly. You never know. My votes just might be the ones that push her over the top and prove the folly of writing prediction columns.

Mr. Barker is co-owner of Movie Boss (www.movieboss.com), a free online movie game, and author of "Zippers," a humor column that looks at mistakes in movies.

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