Road Rules 11, Episode 13: Sex & Other Gross Stuff

Previously on Road Rules, Rachel is on the phone with her woman, Amy, and talking about how much she misses Amy.

Rachel starts by talking with Eric and Kendal (the trip's relationship experts) about how she's stressed out about hooking up with Darrell on the trip. Every time she's kissed Darrell, she says, she thinks, "I love Amy." I'm sure Darrell appreciates that. Kendal (who's doing her best Britney Spears this week – the early virginal Britney) says she shouldn't hold her actions against her. Eric says he can't explain their relationship in words. That's not a big surprise, there's very little he can explain in words. Rachel's afraid they’re breaking up because of outside issues, namely, that they are a lesbian couple in a straight world.

Now she's on the phone with Amy. And she's wearing a tank top and a knit cap. I'm so glad I grew up in the 80s. Turns out, Amy's been dating a guy seriously and she has the heartless balls to tell Rachel that she has a good time with him because she can hold his hand and kiss him when she's in public and she doesn't have to worry. This is a knife in Rachel's heart, who, sobbing now, tells Amy she'd better think before bringing home this new boy to the apartment where they BOTH LIVE.

Rachel's back in the Fleetwood now, telling Eric, Kendal, and Rachel about the latest developments with her relationship. Raquel is looking on, agape in horror. "Oh God, I'm stuck on a Fleetwood in Arizona with a LESBIAN!" Yeah, and Shane's gay too! And Kendal's kissed a girl! Be afraid, girly, be very afraid.

Rachel invites Amy to visit her in Arizona. Amy says yes.

Thank God that's settled, now we FINALLY get to the mission.

The kids are called to the University of Arizona where they're going to be quizzed on their favorite subject, SEX! Our mission mayors Stephanie and Dave, who look like they just escaped from the UA cheerleading squad, say the group will win $6K if they pass the quiz. Stephanie says "bling bling." I think if one more person on this show says "bling bling," I'm going to hunt them down, strip them naked and staple their lips together.

The group is given an hour to study a sex handbook but Darrell is convinced this one's in the bag. Uh oh... Bunim-Murray foreshadowing. The rest of the group studies hermaphrodites while Darrell looks on.

The group is then taken to an auditorium where they have their sex quiz show in front of a bunch of UA students who are apparently being paid to get excited about Road Rules coming to town. Our cast has to get 10 of 50 questions right; when they are wrong, they face THE WHEEL OF GROSS STUFF. As if bull penis wasn't bad enough last week. If they miss the question and refuse what's on the wheel they fail the mission.

"There's no way I'm putting skunk poo on my face," says girly girl Rachel. Hee.

Darrell goes first. He guesses that the earliest condoms were made of rubber. He's wrong, it's goat bladder. He gets two minutes to eat maggot caviar.

"It tastes like Boo Boo," he says. I hope he doesn't mean the bear from Yogi Bear, we are in Arizona after all.

Kendal has to guess the oldest age a woman has ever conceived and given birth. She says 61, it's 63. Oh so close, but she draws the nail chew. She has to chew a nail off one of her castmates. Who does she pick? Eric, of course.

"He doesn't have a lot of experience with toe sucking," she says. I'd like to give him a little taste."

For her "tastes" I hope his athlete's foot has cleared up.

Shane has to define pornography (like that's hard for him), Rachel defines gigolo and Raquel knows that men don't always ejaculate when they orgasm. Eric knows that a woman's G-spot is real. So they are all safe.

Now we're back to Darrell, who guesses that the type of contraception that involves a calendar is birth control pills. Well, only if you're an idiot. The correct answer is the "rhythm method," which is probably how most of these kids were conceived. He gets the skunk poo on his face for five minutes. Some drunk frat boy in the front row goes, "Spread the poo!" People in Arizona are easily entertained.

"For someone who knows about sex, he's spinning the wheel a lot," says Kendal. "It's payback for Mr. Sex Man"