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American Idol, Week 13, Part 2 - The Results Showby Dana Walker -- 09/15/2002
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We're at the Kodak Theatre! And guess what? We're live! (Is anyone else as sorely disappointed that we won't be hearing that again anytime soon?)
We're also live via satellite from Burleson, Texas, and Doylestown, Pennsylvania! Having never been to Burleson, I can't say anything about it… but Doylestown, located in the heart of Bucks County, sure is one hopping cultural mecca. Carving pumpkins, tipping cows, and getting schnockered on Yuengling beer… ain't that the life!
The Briyans are standing on the red carpet with lots of fans… we find out that all top ten kids are back for the exciting grand finale performance. Isn't this exciting? Are you excited? I'm excited!
But before we begin all the excitement, we take a look back at some horrible and hilarious auditions from yesteryear… or, rather, this past April. Intermingled with the bad are clips of Justin standing in line to audition in NYC and Kelly taking over for Randy in her audition. They look so young and innocent six months (and several stylists) ago… ah, memories.
Our tedious hosts bring us back to the red carpet to listen to two girls who are waiting in line outside the Kodak Theatre sing, "I Believe I Can Fly." Are they any good? Well - their pitch is better than Nikki's, but that's not saying much.
Moving back to the audition vault, we've got… the top five worst auditions:
5. Alisa's mom says, "She's got the whole package." But when Alisa attempts a fancy-pants version of Madonna's "Music"… well… let's just say that if I got this package in the mail, I'd call the bomb squad to open it.
4. Derek, also known as "Visor Boy" from my first episode recap, came in at number four. He's the kid who buzzed and shimmied his way through some unrecognizable (to me, at least) boy group song. Seriously, he sounds more like a vibrator than a singer… um… not that I would know what a vibrator sounds like…
What? Oh, right. Completely off the subject and inappropriate all the same time. Score one for me. (But if I actually could score, then I wouldn't need a… damn it, Dana! Focus!)
3. Some guy sings "Si-hul-ent Night." Good choice for mid-Spring.
2. Julia screeches "Lady Marmalade" while the judges recoil in horror.
1. Jennifer writhes and emits sounds resembling "Genie in a Bottle." Simon tells her, "That was extraordinary." Her already shiny face lights up. "Thank you!" Simon continues, "Unfortunately, it was extraordinarily bad," thus delivering a swift and mighty stomp to an ego that will never again be the same.
The country is divided as our esteemed camera crew polls the masses - "Who do you think should win?" Mary J. Blige says Kelly; the guy from Scrubs does, too. In fact, everyone they ask answers, "Kelly." Hey… that's odd. Has anyone checked in with the East Coast yet?
When we come back from the commercial break, everyone they ask this time says, "Justin." Well, there you go.
Now we're touring the backstage area with Ryan Seacrest, he of the bleached teeth and fake tan (also known as the blond half of the Briyans). Seacrest bounds up to Simon's dressing room and knocks. Simon peeks out, looking none-too-pleased to find America's most irritating host standing outside his door. Then those oh-so-clever folks set up a little spoof with Simon pretending to be the father of a very pregnant Jane Kaczmarek's (from Malcolm in the Middle, which is, coincidentally, a Fox show) baby. Much hilarity ensues. (Not really.) Jane voted 68 times for Kelly Kelly Kelly.
Back to the best of series. Top five best auditions:
5. A.J. Gil's rendition of the National Anthem. (And the collective scream of millions of pubescent girls stings my ears.)
4. Christina Christian's (staged) serenade to Simon of "Isn't (He) Lovely."
3. My Justin's melt-a-licious audition in New York that rendered Paula Abdul… um… Spellbound. (Oh, c'mon! You knew that was coming!)
2. Tamyra's phenomenal performance of "And I Am Telling You (I'm Not Going)" that landed her in the first group of ten.
1. Kelly's knock-em-sock-em version of "Respect" that put her in the top ten.
We go backstage with Brian Dunkleman (the brown-haired and sullen Briyan) to "Seacrest's favorite past of the stage - makeup." (Oh, I get it - Seacrest is kinda girly! Good one.) So Dunkleman goes into Kelly's dressing room, wielding the word "baby" like it's a sure-fire way to get another hosting gig after this one. ("Hi, baby" to Kelly - "Here, baby" to Kelly's makeup artist - "Can you hear me, baby?" to the Fox affiliate in Burleson, TX. It's like he's trying to set his "cool guy factor" or something. News flash for ya, Dunk baby… you're not cool. Knock it off.) So we're talking to the entire population of Burleson, now crammed into the gym of Kelly's alma mater. "Woo-hoo!!! Yeehah, Kelly girl!" Every single person in that gym is living vicariously through Kelly Clarkson. Brings a little tear to my eye. While Kelly is talking to her best friends, her voice echoes with a creepy one-second delay. This makes her sound like she's announcing a state of emergency: "Burleson, this is your hometown hero, Kelly Clarkson. Yes, I'm still in Los Angeles, and the school officials have enlisted me to make an announcement: You have exceeded the building's occupation capacity and it is about to collapse." Scary.1 2 3 4 Next-->
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