Stop That! Your Mother is Watching: Mom’s Perspective on Survivor: Thailand, Week 4

You know how you can always hear your mama in your mind telling you what you should and shouldn't do? Well, maybe some of the Survivor: Thailand contestants should be listening to their moms, too. Let’s take a look at what those moms might tell their contestant-kids.

Chuay Gahn Moms

Jan – Get that hair out of your face! And you may have thought it slipped by me because you didn't hear from me last week, but girl, I taught you better than to let your cheeks hang out the bottom of your swimsuit! All my friends were talking! Put your shorts on! Voted against one of the good ol’ boys, didn't you? Stop by the nursing home when you get back next week...

Ted – You big doofus! How many times have I told you to keep your hands to yourself?! You better give thanks that that woman is even more stupid than you are – for penance, I expect to see you using those hands to work around the camp! New tribemates next week? Any spoonin' and you'll be home to answer to me! Don't make me want to hurt you.

Helen – Mama is so proud of you, baby! I taught you well – if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Now outsmart 'em! New tribe next week? Run like hell is catching up to you!

Brian – What's this I'm hearing about porn movies? You and I need to talk! I thought you being a used car salesman was bad enough... My friends think you are so cute in the tiny black swimsuit! Wait a minute... I just figured out why you've been so popular with my friends... you'd better bring home the million. You owe me...

Clay – Wait til you hear what that Helen said about you. From an area where women aren't treated as equals? We'll have to forgive her – she knows not what she speaks of. You're a good Southern Boy who understands that Southern women aren't mere equals – they don't call us Steel Magnolias for nothin'! Vote her out! Because I said so, that's why!

Ghandia – GET YOUR ASS HOME NOWWW! Cain't BE no more stupid that what you are! You gave up a chance at a million dollars just to run off at the mouth to get attention! Wait til you get home – I'll pull those braids right off your head!

Sook Jai Moms

Jake – Just exactly where have you been keeping your socks and shoes? Under your bed like you did when you were a kid? With feet like those, you'd better go join the "good ol’ boys" alliance at the cave if you get the chance.

Penny – Penny... honey... are you there?? Or have you eloped to avoid the wedding plans?

Stephanie – It started with your kindergarten teacher telling me you didn't get along with the other kids... when are you gonna get over i? You do understand that they're not going to offer you a tribe of one, don’t you?

ShiiAnn – Shi Shi, please don't hurt her! I saw your face when the girl Stephanie told you to put the squid wherever you want to. My little she-devil, wait until the time is right. Feed her to the sharks. Better yet, send her to Clay. He'll whup her ass and send her to bed!

Robb – Wait til you see the RULES I have waiting for you when you get home! I still can't get over last week – the man was old enough to be your father! You MUST stop picking people up by the neck! And stop standing next to the chicken cage – there's an eerie resemblance to the rooster...

Erin – I am so proud of the way you are playing this game, but baby, stop long enough to go find something to eat! The twins, "Fame" and "Fortune," look like they are walking around without you! Think of the Playboy spread! Cook some chicken... keep in mind that the big one next to the cage, on the outside, is indigestible.

Ken – Son, I almost can't stand to watch! You and that cute Erin need to eat! Go wring a chicken's neck – not the big one that looks like the rooster! Save that one for later...

Diana is an obsessed reality TV fan who works in real estate banking. I live in the Deep South with my husband of 29 years, who is secure in the knowledge that he runs a distant second to Survivor. She can be reached at dsnonny@hotmail.com.

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