Stop That! Your Mother is Watching: Mom's Perspective on Survivor: Thailand, Week 5

No matter how far away from home you might get, most people continue to hear their mothers in their heads, telling them when they've done something wrong - or occasionally even something right. Here is what some of the moms of Survivor: Thailand contestants might say about their babies' behavior in episode 5 if they had the chance:

Sook Jai Moms

Stephanie - Come straight home - you have an appointment with Dr. Phil. An antisocial female firefighter who shows her tatas... he'll earn his money on this one!

Penny - You finally made it to Thailand! Where on earth have you been? Does Ken have anything to do with this? Your father and I have spent a lot of money on this wedding...

Jake - Nice job, Dr. Jake! Should have poured cold water over his head... Why didn't you bring a razor? You look like Jed Clampett... oh, dear God, Erin looks like Elly Mae, Jan looks like Granny, Helen reminds me of Miss Jane, and we all know which one would be Jethro... please don't embarrass me out there!

Shii-Ann - Garner your strength, my little she-devil! Let them leave the protein clinging to the chicken bones - more for you! You'll need it - they want you out... Start a rumor... here's one... Erin's real name may be Aaron... let them digest THAT!

Robb - When did YOU suddenly become so hygiene conscious? I practically had to force-feed table manners to you, and you wait until you're half-starved on an island before you decide to use them?? I'm so sorry you hurt your little foot - do you want me to kiss it and make it better? It would be a little more SANITARY than sticking it in the cooking pot! Surely I won't see YOU eating anything cooked in that pot?!

Erin - Why do I sometimes just not see you on the show? Is there a "black hole" you sometimes wander into? Climb out - stuff Robb in there - feed him periodically - let him out for the challenges...

Ken - It's good to see that you're finally eating! Next week you can take care of the other big chicken... something tells me you've had it with him... I heard Erin has a good idea of where you can stuff him...

Chuay Gahn Moms

Jan - I'm going to pull your inheritance if you don't stop talking like the town dimwit! For the last time, I'm telling you - the word mail is not two syllables! And what's with you dancing around out there counting money like you'd just pulled off a heist or something?? Did you think it was your consolation prize for getting voted off next? See you soon...

Ted - You big Doofus! "Here, fishy, fishy??" Could you maybe SEE the huge fishing boat out there catching all the fish?? Do you really believe you can lay in a boat, call a fish, and wait for the damn thing to jump in? I guess I dropped you on your head one too many times when you were a kid! You're making Ghandia look intelligent! And by the way, where WERE you when I thought you were at Scouts learning to tie knots?

Helen - When are you going to learn to listen to your mother? Mothers are always right - you should have switched tribes! Now you're going to have to convince that cute young man with the tattoo that he doesn't want to take Dumb and Dumber with him to the merge! (...where have I seen him before??)

Brian - Brian Hatch - err, Heidik, don't you dare let anyone know you loosened that knot... I never knew a child of mine could be so sneaky! Stop spitting! You look guilty... Another dirty little family secret... oh, well, bring me the money!

Clay - Son, when I heard your tribe had lost an item of value, I thought you'd lost the golf ball! Good thing it was just the boat! Let Helen go get the water - she's from that area where women are treated like men... um, as equals! Should have whacked her upside the head when you were throwing fish...

Diana is an obsessed reality TV fan who works in real estate banking. I live in the Deep South with my husband of 29 years, who is secure in the knowledge that he runs a distant second to Survivor. She can be reached at dsnonny@hotmail.com.

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