The Anna Nicole Show, Episode 11: The Decorator Who Won't Leave

No news to mention before this week's recap. A couple of people have asked if I can put together a chart showing the downward spiral of ANS's Nielsen Ratings over the course of the program. That would just be mean. It would cold-hearted. It would be kicking a program when it's down. It would take me a couple of weeks to put together. So, keep checking out the reviews in the weeks to come and we'll see what we can cook up here.

Anyway, on to the show -

Anna begins the show stating that she "doesn't care what's written" about her. She doesn't? All right! Here we go! First off, Anna Nicole can -

Oh, wait. It's setup for one of her cue-card jokes for the teaser on the program. Never mind. Never mind the punchline either, to be honest.

After the credits, ANS is shown putting on paintball gear, and then she is shown shooting a real gun at a target. Seems somewhat severe to be wearing paintball gear at a shooting range, but - oh, wait, it's just bad editing. They show ANS shooting at a target in the middle of a segment about her playing paintball. As ANS is shooting the gun, she points out in her baby-voice that shooting guns is a rush.

If the NRA doesn't bury this footage as quickly as possible, it could be the one thing to turn society against them.

Back to paintball. It is a team event, with Kim and ANS against Howard and Frankie. Daniel, who you would expect to be seen in such a segment, is nowhere around. Don't worry, he shows up later in the program for his five-second appearance quota.

Howard states that ANS was aggressive when it came to playing the game. "She just wanted us all dead," Howard points out. Hmmm. Maybe she's seen the show.

Sorry, cheap joke, but I couldn't pass it up. Forgive me.

Frankie shoots ANS in the head with his paintball gun and Howard is concerned, but ANS blows it off, even if she did get paint in her hair. She is concerned, however, as she has to get ready to sit front row and center for an evening at the theater. What is it? Opera? Musical-comedy? Perhaps an Arthur Miller play being restaged? Nope, it's the Puppetry of the Penis, a show that features two performance artists twisting their penises into a variety of objects. Yes, ANS knows entertainment when she sees it. But, admittedly, the show had become nationally-known, so it's not the worst place to send ANS for the night (that comes later in the show).

After the show, the group leaves (What? No opportunity to go backstage and shakes the artists' . . . er . . . hands?) and they head to a Hustler's store for a variety of sex-related toys and gifts. This is the segment that had been featured three or four times in "coming soon" teasers for the show, but there is no "I would die!" moment with ANS and a giant dildo as featured in those ads. Why, I'm not sure. I would say maybe because it wasn't funny in the first place, but that's never stopped the program before. ANS buys a couple of things, then heads to the limo with her entourage. A guy stops them as they pile into the limo in order to get a picture taken, but when Howard sees that the picture would feature the guy lying on top of ANS, he balks.

Moving on, Howard and ANS get a letter the next morning from Bob Trendy's lawyer. Howard cannot stop himself from laughing as he reads the letter stating that Howard had been threatening and harassing Bob. Viewers can see the wheels turning in Howard's head, and it actually is a good thing. Bob is shown in an interview clip trying to present his side of the story, but he must have been studying ANS too much as he is so incoherent that he doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Next is a trip to a television studio in order to film appearances on Hollywood Squares. This is the game show that manages to make every guest look like they've just had their mug-shot taken. Why that is, I have no idea, but there you go. Maybe it's the lighting. ANS meets Ellen DeGeneres backstage and Ellen cracks a joke (the always-terrible "does your dog bite?" joke) that she feels she then has to explain to ANS. ANS tries to laugh pleasantly, although it actually does appear for once that ANS got it the first time.

As ANS is filming her television segments, Bob comes by and wants to drop off some pillows - AGAIN WITH THE PILLOWS! Bob must have a pillow factory behind his building. How many birds died for the feathers in all of the pillows Bob has made for ANS over the course of the show? I want PETA on this right away!

Sorry.

Anyway, Bob comes by with more pillows and a man named Christian (no, not the wrestler from WWE, although a brainbuster for Bob may not be a bad idea) stops him from going in the house. Bobby is upset. He loudly states as he leaves, "Thanks for making me rich and famous, Anna!" Hey, Bob, thanks for giving Howard video evidence he can use in court against you, as it proves you're only doing the show to advance your career and not to provide the service you were paid for. No wonder Howard was laughing about the letter received earlier in the show.