Reality High Test Results, October 20-26, 2002: Sigmund Freud, Analyze This!

"Sigmund Freud, analyze this!" hisses Madonna in her latest song, "Die Another Day," which has taken up permanent residence in my CD changer since it was released on Tuesday. If Freud had found some of these loons from Survivor: Thailand and The Amazing Race 3 sitting on his couch, he would have hurled himself out the nearest window.

I have never hurled myself out the window when I had them in my class, though; being that my classroom is on the first floor, it wouldn't have served much purpose. I did, however, receive a lovely "Thank You" note today from a secretary at Excedrin thanking me for singlehandedly funding her children’s future Harvard education. Hey, we all do what we can.

I wrote her back and told her she may want to reconsider her choice of higher learning institutions after the performance of Harvard Law grads Heather and Eve on The Amazing Race this week. I knew we were in for trouble when I saw their response to the first question on the quiz:

1. In the course of the race, you may find it necessary to operate a stick shift vehicle. The team member who drives it should be the one who:
A. Knows how to drive a stick shift like the back of their hand
B. At least has some concept of the idea
C. Has no clue whatsoever

Heather and Eve circled "C." Now, granted, Heather may not have known how to drive stick either, but from her backseat coaching she at least seemed to have some grasp of the idea, while Eve for all the world seemed to be utterly mystified as to why a video game joystick had taken up residence between the seats. Had I not already called this one from the quiz, I would have been screaming, "Let Heather drive!" right along with the rest of you. Oh, but this was a mild error compared to some of their other answers. Trust me... you'll see a little later.

Our little shrinking violet Flo had this to say about team interpersonal dynamics:

2. When should you screech at your partner for making a mistake?
A. Never
B. After they've made one
C. Before they've made one

Flo, apparently from the "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" school of thought, chose "C." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S WRONG?" she screeched when I corrected her. When I'd regained my hearing, I sighed, explained myself, and gave her Tara's email address and told her I thought they'd hit it off quite nicely. Her behavior this week illustrated what I had told her. Wanting to make sure you know where you're going is certainly a valid point. There's no arguing with that. However, as a general rule, people tend to tune you out if you screech at them, and this is most certainly true if it's apparently not even thirty seconds since you left the pit stop and you're GOING DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS! Flo, hon, if you're coming from upstairs, the only choice is to go down! Could you maybe – oh, I don't know – WAIT UNTIL THE POOR GUY'S MADE A MISTAKE before screeching at him that he's made one? "You always just forget about me!" she whined to Zach in the title line of last week's episode. Three guesses as to WHY.

Here's how softspoken Ian, the Race's answer to Emily Post, fielded this answer on airport etiquette:

3. At an airport, when should you start bellowing for a taxi?
A. Outside at the taxi stand/lane
B. Two steps out of the gate
C. In the restroom

Ian opted for "B". OK, so it could have been worse, but seriously – he was all of two steps off the plane when he started barreling through the airport screaming "TAXI!!!" like a lunatic. What – did he think Herbie the Love Bug was going to come crashing through the front doors to be at his service?

"I think Ian defines 'ugly American'!" snitted Aaron. "You don't walk in screaming and yelling in the middle of a terminal! That guy's a pig!" True, but before you demolish that last shard of your glass house there, Mr. Goodwill Ambassador, let me refer you back to your and Arianne's answer to question 4:

4. What is the proper way to behave in a foreign country?
A. Be respectful of local customs and language
B. Scamper over hill and dale shrieking bad imitations of the local accent/dialect
C. Bellow "GOD BLESS AMERICA!" at the top of your lungs

True, Ian picked "C," but you and Arianne chose "B." The whole lot of you are off the guest speaker list for my upcoming lecture on "The 'Ugly American Tourist': Shattering the Stereotype." And furthermore, if you and Arianne say even the remotest variation of "GET THE TWINS!" one more freaking time, you'll have crossed the Official Line of Repetition Limits that separates the universe into human beings and Passions characters. You'll know this has happened if Simone suddenly attaches herself to you like a barnacle and yaps incessantly, "You're EVIL, Aaron and Arianne! Pure EVIL!"

Completing his hat trick of How To Win Friends And Influence People-inspired responses this week, here we have Ian's answer to question 5:

5. What is the classiest thing you can say about your partner at the pit stop finish mat?
A. "I couldn't have done it without him/her."
B. "We had our differences, but we worked through them."
C. "I yelled at him/her, I dragged him/her, I prompted him/her... we made it!"

Ian, naturally, circled "C" and added "HOO-ah!" for emphasis. I pounded my head against the blackboard. Did that shot in the first episode of Teri pulling the donkey cart while Ian yanked on the harness perfectly crystallize their relationship or what? I suppose we should be grateful he didn't actually come out and say, "Yup! I've sure got the little filly trained!" and smack Teri on the kiester, but this guy's starting to make Wil look like a character study in sensitivity and softspokenness. Teri never circled "Shove your partner off a cliff, 'HOO-ah!' and all" on any of her quizzes, but honestly, in her case I would have given her full credit if she had. "I'm going to get ugly if I have to!" snorted Ian at one point in the episode. "GET"?!?