How “The Anna Nicole Show” Came To Be: A Possible Scenario

The first season of The Anna Nicole Show finally finished at the beginning of November, and a nation’s nightmare as ended. Until next year, that is.

There have always been two questions that I was asked repeatedly by readers about the program: why did they put this dreck on in the first place, and why would anyone want to renew it for a second season? To help with this, let me see if I can put it into a proper scope. For a long time now I have been having this recurring thought on how The Anna Nicole Show – known by most people in American as “that train-wreck on E!” – came together and why it is still around, and I think I have a good case of scenarios for this mystery.

I think it went . . . something . . . like . . . this:

Spring, 2002: The members of E!’s staff and producers are sitting around a table. An analyst stands in front of the staff with a chart. She had been hired to explain the Nielsen Cable Ratings for the last sweeps period to the important, hardworking people at the cable network and is just wrapping up her presentation to the group.

“So, you see,” the analyst says as she uses a pointer on the chart, “Billy Rabbit’s ratings are low. He is sad. Sad, sad, sad. Even his special weeklong programming of ‘Bunnies Go Bonkers in Ft. Lauderdale’ failed to put a dent into the ratings. Meanwhile, Billy’s associate, Tommy the Turtle, cannot understand why the other forest critters are tired of watching the 124th repeat of his favorite documentary, ‘Hollywood’s Inside Story: Lassie, Come Ho.’”

The analyst looked around the room and saw that at least two of the individuals around the table had finally put down their cell phones and were listening to her. Perhaps it was the cartoons she showed a few minutes ago, or maybe the fact that she had stripped down to a g-string bikini that caught their attention. Either way, some of them were at least looking her way.

The analyst revealed a final chart in her presentation. “Meanwhile,” she said in the spookiest, storytime voice she could muster, “the evil wolves, also known as the advertisers and owners of the network, were tired of the repetitive old junk and wanted something new.”

“Thus,” she finished by pointing out the final picture on the chart, “the wolves put Billy and Tommy in a B-I-G pot! And ate them.”

A silence filled the room as the analyst moved to her seat and sat down. Finally the man at the head of the table leaned forward. All eyes were on him, waiting to hear him speak. Instead, he picked up his cell phone and dialed his masseuse.

The man next to the man at the head of the table did have something to say, however.

“If I understand you correctly,” the man said, “what you’re saying is that we need to run programming about cartoon animals to get better ratings?”

The analyst was surprised. “No. What I’m saying is that the ratings have been terrible for the network and you need to come up with programming that people will watch. Otherwise your jobs are in jeopardy.”

“Is that any reason to kill a bunny?” A woman executive said, tears filling her eyes as she softly spoke.

“What? No, no bunny – I mean, no animals died, Babs. That was just part of the presentation.” The analyst gasped in bewilderment.

“Well, that was pretty heartless of you to make us believe that animals die because of our ratings, especially little white bunnies that know how to program cable networks,” Babs responded.

“Babs,” a male executive next to her said as he put down his Starbucks coffee and patted her hand, “I think you overlooking the fact that a turtle died as well in this ratings mishap. That could be seen as discriminatory that you cared more about the bunny than the turtle.”

“Dennis,” another male executive chimed in, “one has to admit that the bunny was a little cuter than the turtle. The bunny also seemed to come up with better programming, so his death at the hands of the wolves really could be devastating to our ratings. I think that’s the point of this presentation, that bunnies are cuter than turtles. Isn’t that right, honey?”

The analyst had trouble finding the words. “What is wrong with you peop – first off, my name’s not ‘honey;’ secondly, forget about the bunny and the turtle.”

“How can we forget the death of a cute little bunny?” Babs burst into tears again.

Dennis gave Babs a hug as he looked at the analyst in anger. “Well, I hope you’re happy, MS. Honey. You made Babs cry, and now you’re suggesting we just forget about the brutal death of a bunny.”

“My name’s not – never mind. I did my job; you’ll get my bill.”

With that, the analyst packed up and left the room. The executives sat around the table for a few minutes, long in thought.

“Uh,” Dennis spoke up as he looked at his watch. “Is she coming back with more stories to tell?”

A voice at the end of the table was heard for the first time that day. “No, and she’s not needed anyway.”

Everyone in the room turned to the direction of the voice to see an executive named Peter. He had his feet propped up on the table and was smoking a big, nasty-smelling cigar. “You see, gentlemen and ladies, what Honey was saying was that we need new programming. We need something that will get the audience to notice our shows. My suggestion is that we do a reality-show like that one on MTV. Y’know, the one with the crazy rock star and his family. Uh, Ted Nugent or whatever.”

“You mean a show like The Osbournes,” a young executive by the name of Bill said.

Peter pulled the cigar out of his mouth and blew a foul cloud of smoke into the air. “Exactly. That show with Oz Osbourne and his crazy family, Harriet, Jeff, and Joan.”

“No, I think it’s –“

Peter continued, “And I have just the person in mind – Anna Nicole Smith.”

No one responded.

The executive with the cigar coughed. “I said, Anna Nicole Smith.”

“Wasn’t she on Charlie’s Angels?” Babs asked.

“What? No! She’s that Playboy centerfold who married the old multi-millionaire guy a few years ago and was in court trying to collect on his money after he died.”

“And?”

Peter nearly choked on his cigar. “AND?! She’s news! She’s famous! And she’s willing to strip for the cameras.”