The Osbournes, Season Two, Episode One: What Goes Up . . .

First thing's first, for those of you coming back to the recaps after the first episode has aired, you may want to check out the column I wrote earlier in the week, "Catching Up With the Osbournes." That column will help bring those fans up to date who don't keep up with Osbournes news, along with a look at the MTV special that ran throughout November called (obviously showing my lack of creativity in column titles), "Catching Up With the Osbournes."

Before getting into the recap of the first episode of the second season, some news:

Fans who missed it may want to try catching the Intimate Portrait documentary done on Sharon Osbourne that ran on the Lifetime network on November 25. Ozzy, Jack, Kelly, and other Osbourne daughter Aimee were all interviewed for the program, along with friends and family of Sharon. Surprisingly, Don Arden - Sharon's father, who once managed Ozzy's career before Sharon took over - is interviewed as well. I say surprisingly, as it has been well known for years that the two were not on speaking terms since Arden demanded $1.5 million for the release of Ozzy to Sharon back in the early 1980s. As reported on the program, however, it appears that the two have finally come to terms with each other and are talking again after what amounted to a twenty-year-long family feud.

Other elements of Sharon's life were discussed, including her early career working with bands, her drinking problem that she conquered, and her fluctuation with her weight over the years. Sharon also goes into details about her stance as being a tough negotiator, her language, and the opinion that she is too tough to work with professionally. A bit more meat to it than one would have originally suspected, and if you're a fan of Sharon's then you'll definitely want to catch up with it some time soon. Check the Lifetime Network listings to see when it will air again.

The other piece of news is probably very self-evident on this site, and that is November 26 being the release date of Kelly Osbourne's first full-length music CD. The album, Shut Up, can be purchased here. You may also want to check out the Officially Osbourne book that was just released on November 19 by MTV books. While there have been three or four unauthorized books about the television series, this one will be of more interest to fans as there are interview bits with all the participants discussing the episodes, besides an episode guide and tons of photos from the show. The unauthorized books may have something to them, at least on the level of covering things about the family that may not be completely flattering, but none would have the access to official interviews and photos that this book has. So if you're a fan, you may want to at least check out the official book when you get a chance.

Since we're talking about merchandise anyway, I have to admit that I did get a kick out of seeing the Osbourne Family Trading Cards that Inkworks has put out. You can find more information about the cards (and some previews) at www.inkworkscards.com/products/osbournes/osbournes1/osbournes1newprod1.html.

Of course, the biggest news of the week was the return of the series for a second season on November 26 at 10:30 p.m. EST. The new season actually reaches back to the beginning of May 2002 to start us off, and the teaser finds Ozzy still unable to figure out the electrical gadgets in the house. This time it is the television set in his workout room, which he says he has had for seven years and never had a problem with - until that day. What used to amount to the pressing of two or three buttons now just gives Ozzy a blue screen message that he cannot make heads or tails out of. He hollers for Jack as the new opening credits begin.

After the credits, Sharon is found in the yard playing with the many dogs they have. The dogs are playing, Lola (the dog) is puking, and Ozzy attempts to throw a series of knives into wood. None of the knives will stick, but Ozzy keeps trying as the camera cuts to Kelly playing with one of the cats. The cat gets anxious and scrambles away from Kelly as Kelly announces she is out of there.

Meanwhile, Jack is seen riding in a white van towards the house. As he approaches, he notices a group of people standing outside the front gate and calls someone named Gloria on his cell phone. Jack asks that she tell Sam to turn on the sprinklers. The next shot is of a woman with a camera getting too close to the front gate and therefore getting a face full of water as the sprinklers come on. The woman screams and runs off.

In other words, just another day in the life of the Osbournes.

As the family goes inside and there are a few more snippets of the family and dogs, the scene cuts to Sharon sitting with Melinda (the nanny) on the floor as Sharon goes through some jewelry. Sharon shows off a gold filling in her hand that she states had broken off a tooth that then took ten days to go through her system before she found it again. This must have occurred back at a time when the family was a bit more desperate for money, as I would think a filling really isn't the type of thing most people would spend days going through their stools to find. I mean, if you have a couple of million dollars lying around, the search for a gold filling in the toilet is probably the least of your worries. Anyway, as one might guess, Melinda does not get very close to inspect it.

A brief interview then occurs with Ozzy as he discusses that he and Sharon had been invited to a press dinner at the White House. He is nervous because he doesn't know "how to hang . . . I'm just a street guy." He figures he will "scratch my ass" and end up with Sharon digging her elbow into his ribs throughout the night. Ozzy is then seen with Sharon going through the jewelry for the trip. Ozzy cannot decide if he wants to take the Van Cleef, and goes back and forth about it for some time before finally deciding to take it. He then announces that "it's too (bleeping) brilliant."