Letters from Camp Koh Tarutao - Family Visitation Day

Dear Mom,

It was family visitation day here at Camp Koh Tarutao and, to tell you the truth, if I had know that we were going to be doing Stupid Human Tricks along with it, I would have said no way in Hades would I be around to watch. Let's see, we had Ted's brother, Clay's wife, Jake's wife, Brian's wife, Helen's husband, and Jan's son out to visit us. When Brian's on- and off-screen co-star appeared, Ted and Clay were pretty much hoping that she won because let's just say she wasn't leaving much to the imagination.

This was the gross food challenge that Mark is so wont to do towards the early stages of camp, but now Mark was going to force the family members to chow down on bugs and whatnot in order to spend time with their family members. First and foremost, let me say how impressed I was with Mrs. Jake. She was a surprise winner in the showdown round coming in a close second to Mr. Helen. I just loved that look on her face when she opened her eyes and realized she had won her heat.

Now the person I was least impressed with was Helen herself. Here she was practically forcing her husband to choke down bugs with a constant stream of, "Please, please, please, please, please." I was standing off to the side ready to scream, "Please shut up!" I mean, really now. She said later when her husband left (yes, he won) that she didn't want to cry when he left because it would show weakness to the others. Well, what was she thinking when she was going, "please, please, please, please, please..." Oy vey, I was ready to bitchslap her into the next three day cycle.

So Mr. Helen spent the night at camp with us and I was more than prepared to send his sorry, well-energized ass off to do some more of the more tedious, back-breaking work while I took some time off to teach arts and crafts with the evicted campers. I had lesson plans all drawn up to make a four bedroom, three bathroom house with a sunken hot tub out of popsicle sticks, but Mark made me stick around and make sure that Mr. Helen didn't break any rules or beat the crap out of Clay or make any movies with Brian and his wife.

Speaking of Clay, all he could think about during Mr. Helen's stay at camp was the tuchus of Brian's wife. I swear this man has a butt fetish. I would toss off my pants and wiggle mine at him, but considering how long he's been on the island I would be kinda scared at the reaction.

Now what I liked most about this entire experience was Jan. Even when her son was out of the competition, she kept rooting on the remaining family members to do their best. Personally, I think she wanted Jake to get together with his wife so he could have one enjoyable day before they shipped him off to the Loser Lounge where he can start working on the bathroom of my four bedroom masterpiece. Jan remains by far my favorite camper. She's just so joyous and exuberant that she just wants other people to be happy on the island. Why can't more people be like her? I mean, really now... why can't they?

Overall, this was one of those weeks where you just have to smile because their family is there.

It made me smile for once.

Love,

Your son...

C. Brian Devinney is a human resources consultant from New York City. When not reporting on reality TV, he can be found rooting on his beloved Yankees, writing in his online diary, Tales From the City, or designing new items for his online store BlogGear.com. He can be reached at TheRealityFactor@aol.com.

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