The Osbournes, Season 2, Episode 3: The Ozz Man and the Sea

First off, let me apologize to the readers for not getting this recap of Episode Three up earlier. There were two reasons for this, both related to things I could not avoid until the weekend, unfortunately. One was the past week’s episode coinciding with two of my finals at the University of Louisville for my MBA. Because of that schedule, I had hopes to finish this Thursday night for publication on Friday.

Unfortunately, there was another problem – MTV did not air the closed-captioned version of the episode when the show aired on Tuesday of last week. The repeat on Wednesday did not work out either, as that was also not captioned (I know because I taped that one as well).

No problem, I thought Thursday night, I’ll just have Jill (my wife) watch the episode with me and she’ll help me catch anything that I couldn’t make out due to my hearing problems.

So, pen in hand, Jill and I sat down to watch Episode Three on Friday night.

We begin the episode with Ozzy sitting at a table with Jack and a room full of guys. He is muttering about something. I certainly couldn’t make it out, so I played the bit for Jill. After it finished, and the opening credits began, I paused the tape, turned to Jill, and asked, “Okay, now what did Ozzy say?”

My wife’s response? “He said something about the ocean . . . a titanium tank of some sort . . . a peephole . . . sharks . . . and that Jacques Cousteau was a (bleep).”

I thought about this for a bit. I then put down the pen, stopped the tape and decided that we would try taping the Saturday afternoon repeat and praying that it was captioned.

Fortunately, it turned out to be captioned this time around. So now, on with the review!

As to the teaser: Ozzy is discussing with the group about how he hates the ocean and can’t understand how someone at the table was able to get into a shark-cage to look at sharks in the water. Ozzy would need “a Titanium safe with a peephole” before he would do such a thing. He concludes with the comment that “Jacques Cousteau was a (bleep).”

Therefore, Jill really wasn’t that far off with her deductions about Ozzy’s comments in the teaser. In addition, from what I’ve read here and there, Cousteau could be a bit of (bleep) when he wanted to be.

After the opening credits, we return to the house in Malibu to find Sharon eating a meal and telling someone that Kelly was going to England to do some interviews and then Top of the Pops. The camera cuts to Kelly explaining to the camera that she had been watching Top of the Pops since she was two. She gets cut off as a small dog takes a dump on a mat off to one side of the kitchen and the audience gets to see this bodily function in a tight focus. Thanks, MTV!

As to Top of the Pops, Kelly mentions it is a music program where the “top ten” are played or performed, and a few short clips are shown of people dancing on the program. While this is fundamentally correct, it is on par with saying that American Bandstand was just a “dance show.” I’m not knocking Kelly here, as much as I just wish that there had been a little more information about how important the show is than cutting away to see a dog poop.

Top of the Pops is a BBC program that has aired since 1962, broadcasting the latest hits on the pop-chart and featuring many lip-synched performances by artists that one would not commonly see over here in America. There have been attempts over the years to bring the show to America (CBS tried running it for a time in a late-night spot back in the late 1980s in one such try-out), but none have ever really truly successful. For those who are curious and have cable, BBC-America runs the program every so often. Unfortunately, the program isn’t quite as good nowadays as what I’ve seen of past episodes during the 1970s and 1980s, but fans may still want to give it a peek.

Back to the show: Ozzy is going to the store to buy firewood with a couple of people. As Ozzy loads up a shopping cart with wood, he tells a nearby cashier that they are going to pay for the firewood after they get it all out to the car. The cashier is pretty easygoing about it, and tells him just to come back in and tell her how many bundles of firewood he purchased. Ozzy doesn’t seem exactly happy with that and leaves his bag with the protesting cashier to prove he won’t be running off with the goods.

He then drives out without paying for it and gives her the bird.

No, he doesn’t. I know that is what you would think a rock star would do at this point, but Ozzy has been around too long to pull such a gag. Besides, I don’t think he was driving the car.

Instead, he and a few men load up the car. As Ozzy heads back to the car, a car brakes near him. In the stopped car, a man on a cellphone shouts out to Ozzy, who acknowledges the man with a small thumb’s up gesture. The guy then drives off, having his brush with greatness fulfilled.

Back at the house, Kelly is leaving for her promotional trip and says goodbye to Sharon. Kelly notices that Sharon is crying and laughs a little in shock. She then hugs Sharon and tells her that she “feels evil for leaving” her. Sharon tells her, “Everyone is leaving this week. I hate this week.”