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The Unbelievable Bloombergini Returns to Predict the ‘Survivor: Thailand’ Resultsby The Unbelievable Bloombergini -- 12/17/2002
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Yes, it is true, the Unbelievable Bloombergini is back. The Manly Man, who never seems to tire of being defeated, has challenged me to a battle of predictions once again. He is even trying to horn in on my territory by using supposed psychic spy babes. Sigh. My bet is that he hired ‘em from Miss Cleo’s phone service after she got busted for various offenses. Apparently, he didn’t bother to check their veracity, because everybody knows there is only one person who can accurately predict the outcome of reality TV by using extranormal means – yup, that would be me. He just never learns. I’ll have to be like Clay and give the Manly Boy a good whuppin’.
Just to prove my point, I decided to avoid all the new high-tech forms of paranormal magick and go back to the roots. I had planned to use the entrails from the three chickens won by Sook Jai and then eaten by the contestants. However, Shii Ann beat me to those and, well, ate ‘em! Perhaps she should have tried reading them first, and I bet she would have seen that while they were indeed high in protein and good for starving Survivors, they would also make the other tribe members think she was weird (though, really, it was the other folks who were the weird ones). Perhaps she should have pretended to create a little cemetery for the chickens and then eaten them in private rather than bury them. Hey, did we ever actually see Jan put the bat body into that little grave?
Notice that I only asked about the bat. Why? Because without chicken entrails, I did the next best thing – I secretly went to the Chuay Gahn camp and dug up the final chicken head and feet that Jan had buried, so I know she did that one right.
While entrails would have been best, it is a little known fact that just as you can practice palmistry on humans, you can practice a similar form of fortune telling on birds. And with the chicken’s head as well, you can contact its spirit after it has passed. The possibilities are endless!
Needless to say, the life line on the chicken ended abruptly, but that’s not really what I was looking for. The psychic imprints left upon the chicken feet and head tell the whole tale.
A million bucks is a lot of chickenfeed, and I know who will get it. But let’s start with who won’t.
Jan, lover of animals that she is, will not be sent home with the goose that laid the golden egg. In fact, she will be the next one off. She may even go so far as to build a little grave for her torch after its flame is extinguished. The chicken’s spirit has informed me that it is really sorry to provide such information, but the facts are the facts.
Next to go will be Helen. While she thinks that Brian is with her all the way, the chicken spirit says that it is a fowl – excuse me – foul belief. Specifically, it said, “Only a birdbrain would think that Brian would rather take Helen to the final two instead of Clay.” (That’s translated from Dead Chicken language, of course.)
So, according to this clucking ghost, Clay and Brian will be in the final two. From there, it is all so easy. While Brian has made plenty of snide comments to the camera, the chicken says he never heard that side of Brian in camp. Everybody seemed to like him and want to partner up with him. I asked the former Survivor dinner meal if those who Brian stabbed in the back would return the favor. The answer was quite clear, “CLUCK!” Um, that means, “NO!” Almost forgot I had to translate. Our fine formerly feathered friend feels the jury will easily give the game to Brian. “Clay is a real cluck-up,” I’ve been told. OK, I figure I don’t need to fully translate that one for readers.
So, dear friends, there you have it. Brian in first, Clay in second, Helen in third, Jan in fourth. The Manly Man may say whatever he wants – I have not even bothered to look at his prediction because unless he copied off of me, I’m sure it’s wrong. After all, who could beat a dead chicken?
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