The Osbournes, Season 2, Episode 4: Beauty & the Bert

Very little news in the past two weeks, so let's just jump right into the review and we'll have a better news wrap-up next week.

The opening teaser shows Ozzy and Kelly riding in a car. Ozzy is talking about watching television in a hotel recently and his amazement in finding hardcore porn on the television. Or, as he calls it, "the (bleeping) Bone Channel."

Before Ozzy can get more involved with his story, Kelly points out that the only way to get porn on hotel television is to buy it through the remote.

Ozzy: Of course you (bleeping) do! Kelly: (shocked) You bought porn off the TV?! Ozzy: (trying to cover) I pushed the wrong (bleeping) button. Kelly: (laughing) Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! You dirty bastard! Ozzy: (embarrassed) What's a single, lonely man to--? Kelly: (cutting in) You're NOT single and you're NOT lonely, so shut up!

After this bit of fun, and the opening credits, the show returns the audience for the first time in the season to the old house in the hills that we have all come to know. Several shots are shown of the yard, including a camera pan across several carved stones that read, "Ozzy," "Sharon," "(digitally censored)," "Jack," "Kelly," and "Love." Aimee doesn't even make the cut of the scenery in this series, evidently.

Sharon, Melinda, Kelly, and Jack are in a room where the discussion has turned to Kelly's boyfriend named Bert McKracken (which sounds like a name from an old W.C. Fields movie). Or, as Jack calls him, "Pukey." This is because Bert, according to Jack, throws up on stage when his band, The Used, play. That's better than the other nickname he has, which is "Cauli-(bleep)." It's censored, but Sharon could hear it plain as day and it is obvious that she believes it to mean Bert has a venereal disease of some kind, or maybe just genital warts. She tells Kelly that she can get it just from kissing Bert, which embarrasses Kelly to no end. It is not the best start for the family to learn about Kelly's boyfriend and it is going to get worse as the episode moves along.

Jack calls Ozzy and tells him about Kelly's boyfriend. Ozzy thinks Bert is a "(bleeping) nerdy name." Jack mentions that Bert told Kelly that he loved her after they had dated for a week. Ozzy's response is a simple, "(bleeping) hell." Jack agrees. "And she buys into that," Jack replies.

Kelly gets a call and goes out to the porch for some privacy. Sharon thinks it is a boy and when Kelly gets defensive about the call, Sharon knows for sure it was a boy on the phone.

The camera cuts to Melinda, Jack, and Kelly in the kitchen. Both Kelly and Jack are bored and congratulate each other for not bathing for two days; meanwhile, Melinda is curious about this Bert character. She asks Kelly if she worries about kissing him, but Jack points out that since Bert doesn't brush his teeth after throwing up on stage, it probably doesn't make much of a difference to Kelly. When Jack makes fun of Kelly becoming "Kelly McKracken" if she marries Bert, Kelly quickly points out that she is not getting married.

Looking at the plate in front of him, Jack says to the others that "some ice cream on this would be great." Kelly dismisses this as a "fat kid thing to do." Jack points out, "Well, if you haven't noticed, I'm a fat kid." This makes Kelly laugh and Jack goes up another notch in my book with the joke here.

Jack then slips that Kelly and Bert have slept together, which is very shocking to Melinda. Kelly tries to talk, but Jack begins to play with a little toy piano. Kelly threatens to kill him, which leads to Jack telling her that he doesn't "(bleep) with your musical career." They begin to fight playfully after that, until Ozzy comes down and tells them to stop. When he leaves, the two just begin fighting with each other again.

After a break, the whole family is in the kitchen (including adopted son, Robert, who is new in this season). Ozzy thinks the country will go to war with Iraq, but can't really get the words out and gives up. Jack wants to hear more, however, as he considers himself to be a "very political person." Kelly is concerned about fighting in a war, but Jack tells her that she would just sit behind a desk somewhere, because she was a woman. Sharon begs to differ and points out how much women are doing in the military now. Ozzy doesn't believe it.

The scene cuts to Sharon and Kelly discussing Bert coming to the area. Sharon wants Bert to stay at the house (probably to keep an eye on him closely). Kelly doesn't want that as she believes Sharon and Ozzy will just embarrass her. Sharon tells her that she is still under 18 and will do what she says.

After a brief interlude with Ozzy, Sharon is shown in bed with Kelly and another person. Kelly is saying that she now plans to get married in Las Vegas before Christmas. Sharon knows when she is having her leg pulled and tells Kelly that it is a wonderful idea, and that Kelly should get pregnant while she is at it. Ozzy comes in and is told that Kelly is getting married, but he doesn't react because he is fed up with watching television. All he could get on the television as a cooking channel, or - as he called it - "the Bread-Baking Channel Where These Two (bleeping) old (bleepers) are (bleeping) Making (bleeping) Bread." Kelly and Sharon try hard not to laugh.