The Bachelorette: Meet the Bachelors

Well, it’s that time again, but this time it’s different.

Normally, I would start off another season of The Bachelor with a preview of the twenty-five women who are going to come under my intense scrutiny, biting sarcasm, and a bit of a temperamental attitude. This time, it’s twenty-five men and the one question that has been repeatedly asked of me will be answered -- “Are you going to treat the men any differently than you do the women?”

My answer -- “HELL NO!” Granted, there may be more gushing during some of the gratuitous poolside shots but I think they can handle that.

And, once again, a forewarning to the twenty-five men that I am about to put through the ringer, there are some minor rules -- 1) Take everything I say with a grain of salt and blame it on bad editing. 2) No, I’m not heterosexual, therefore my thoughts and opinions may be skewed ever so slightly, although from the number of emails I get telling me how much they agree with my thoughts on the whole proceedings, well... let’s say just say that I’m rarely wrong. My, that’s mighty cocky of me, but Shannon from Bachelor 1 proved me wrong so I will freely admit when I am wrong and will wallow in my shame. 3) If you think I’m being really mean just call up Trista and ask her about me. I put her through the wringer a few times myself. 4) Feel free to email me and correct any misconceptions you may have (or tell me off or explain a situation better to me or ask me out on a date…). Trust me, I’m really a nice guy who has an incredibly bitchy side to him. If it helps to understand me, I also play rugby. Something tells me it won’t help you understand, but I’m just putting it out there.

So here are the bachelors and let’s see if I can narrow them down to an eventual winner.

Billy, 28, firefighter, San Diego, California.

How can you not love his smile? He’s so adorable, you want to pick him up, put him in your pocket and take him home with you. He’s a bit adventurous with his snowboarding and surfing (being the Californian that he is) but something tells me that for as much as I can adore this man, he’s not going to make it very far and I for one will be very sad about that. I can see you sticking around until maybe the final 8 or so.

Bob, 31, mortgage banker, Riverview, Michigan

Bob, I am just hoping this is a bad picture of you on the website. Trust me, I know of bad pictures. I was once called the “Sean Penn of bloggers” because whenever the camera would be pointed in my way I would duck, move, or punch out the person holding the camera. You’re divorced and I’m not sure how that will play into whether or not Trista will keep you around. I’m going to say you don’t make it past the first round. Surprise me!

Brian C., 28, mortgage banker, Houston, Texas

Okay there’s something about him that I like and I can’t really explain what it is. Maybe it’s the pale blue eyes or maybe it’s the fact that he’s taking this as an “experience” and not planning on falling in love with Trista within the first forty-five minutes of meeting her and picking out their china pattern as a certain emotional basketcase from the previous season was doing. Brian C., we’re putting you in the final three.

Brian H., 28, national sales manager, Seven Hill, Ohio

MARRY ME! Oh wait... did that come out? Just one of those moments where the inside voice comes out, I guess. Just on the physical side, my God, I would be drooling if I ever met you. I love that you’ve put “making people laugh” as one of your hobbies. Now, you know what this means if you’re my favorite -- you’re SO not going to win this thing. You’re in the final eight but sadly no further. Call me when you’re in NYC. We’ll do lunch.

Brian K., 31, breast implants salesman (no, I’m not joking here), Hammond, Indiana

Hmmm, just based on the occupation alone, you would be better suited to Amanda from Season 1, but that’s another story. I dunno. There’s something about Brian K. that I can’t shake. But it’s a good thing I promise you. A good thing. It’s that playful smile, your athletic bent, definitely not your occupation, and something else. You have a certain something that I just can’t put my finger on and I think it will take you to at least the round of 15.

Brian S. (the final Brian), 27, sales engineer, Houston, Texas

There’s not much to say about you on your bio which makes me wonder if you’re as boring in real life as you are in print. Softball, golf, and weightlifting, huh? Hmm. I wish I could know more about you to make a qualified decision but since I can’t, you’re out in the first round.

Brook, 28, sales, Dallas, Texas

The hair, the hair, the hair. Please tell me you’ve changed it since you’ve been on the show. There’s something oddly Eighties about it that bothers me. Your attitude towards marriage and relationships is really refreshing and it’s nice that you want to mimic your parents’ marriage. I’m putting you in the round of 15 and hoping you impress Trista enough to prove me wrong.