Joe Millionaire, Episode 1: Enter the Gold Diggers

Welcome to Joe Millionaire, where the women fall into two categories – The Real Deal and Gold Diggers. Of course, with these women they are all Gold Diggers until proven to be the Real Deal. And to any woman from Joe Millionaire who may be watching. I’m brutal. I admit it. You will love me or hate and frankly I don’t care either way. Feel free to email me and bitch me out if you want.

Nice start with the Blue Danube playing up the blue collar background of our Joe, Mr. Evan Marriott, who didn’t even bother to shave for that shoot. But now he’s a multimillionaire with the classy lessons to make him appear as if he can actually play the part of a refined man of money and not something along the lines of Lizzie Grubman, which would require him to back over people in an SUV while hurling lovely epithets at people.

We’re treated to a taste of what we’re going to get, learning that the women are playing tougher than Christi from Bachelor 2 and are turning into quite the brats we’ve become accustomed to seeing them portrayed as on these shows. We’re watching Evan/Joe get wrapped up in the lie and how it’s starting to wear down on him. Remember for him, he has the harder part of keeping up the story to not one, but twenty other women.

Of course he kisses all of them too which makes me just lose all faith in men altogether.

So will love, money, or that really smelly and dirty flannel shirt of his prevail?

Paul Hogan (not Crocodile Dundee, Evan’s butler) opens us up by describing the plot of the show – one guy has inherited $50 million. Will they fall in love with him or his money? So does love conquer all? Or am I just bored with this show already?

Evan says he’s in construction because he loves it and he can make money at it and get his hands dirty. He says that he’s a Michelangelo of the back hoe (or whatever he was on) and the earth he is “carving out” is his medium. Is it just me or is the “stubble” on his face just a bit too… oh, what’s the word I’m looking for here… make-upy? It doesn’t look real. But I looked rather closely and yeah… it looks real. According to his friend Jeremy, Evan is there to help people out. He’s a quiet guy, doesn’t go out a lot, and keeps to himself. Evan says that unless he’s a doctor or a lawyer that women won’t date him because he’s not “ambitious enough.” He says that he’s going to find the woman that likes him for who he is and not for the supposed fortune. Oh man… you’re gonna be looking for a while.

Evan gets his chance to learn how to taste wine and which wine goes with which type of meat. Steak – red. Quail – white. Martine, the etiquette expert tells him not to kiss a woman’s hand when he’s presented with it. The dance instructor is giving him his steps. Wine test time. Lamb? You bet it’s red. Fois gras? Well, Evan has no idea what that is. More dance lessons. Which fork? Which knife? Which wine? Which step? Which finger bowl? Which glass? Which toilet paper?

Anyway, the ladies finally arrive. The show calls them the girls but let’s be nicer and call them ladies, shall we? The first two to show up in their horse drawn carriage are Melissa Jo, a 25-year-old loan officer, and Zora, a 29-year-old substitute teacher. They just gasp over the house. Zora and Melissa Jo even start to get a little teary eyed which immediately puts them in the Gold Digger category.

Then we have Katie, a 30-year-old physician and Heidi, a 24-year-old banking officer. We’ve already seen Heidi in the commercials say that she’s a banker so she knows how to take care of money, which puts her as a Gold Digger. Katie, eh, nothing on her yet so she’s a Gold Digger until proven to be the real thing. Heidi’s even admitted that she would marry a man just for his money. Oy vey. Katie then puts herself fully in the Gold Digger category by saying she expects her husband to make a certain amount of money. Hmmm, and you wonder why you’re single?

Next up are Andrea, 24 and a PC specialist, and Gretchen, 29 and an account manager. Not too much to say about these women. Gretchen talks about how she has joked with her friends bagging a rich man and guess what? Now she has the chance. Gold Digger. Andrea. Well… honey, did you say anything while you were in the carriage or are you a mute?

So the first gals are in the “chateau” (and it’s some chateau, I’m telling ya) and Paul lets the women go up to their rooms where they will be staying. For now at least.

More wine lessons with Evan on how to properly sip the wine. It involves a weird sucking through the teeth thing that was taught to me once and yes, it is a little hard to master as Evan proceeds to gag on the wine. The women, meanwhile, are gushing over the house, and someone knocks over a lamp which brings out the standard, “You break it, you bought it” line.

Wine test! Chicken – white. Pheasant – white. Lobster – Evan is stumped.

Erica is 32 and a physical therapist and she gets to land in the Gold Digger column with her raves about living in a castle with a butler and a chef, and I just think I am going to gag. Our Gold Diggers of 2003 are already planning their wedding on the grounds and they haven’t even met the man yet. Geez. Give it some time, ladies!

Then we meet Jen, 23 and an office coordinator and I can just say for now, she’s the ONLY Real Deal we have in the show. She’s not once talked about money, just about the experience and what a story it would be to tell their potential future children.

Wine test! Salmon! Not red, Evan! It’s a fish. It’s white!

Then enters Melissa M., 24, and a customer service rep. Now, Melissa M. is the one we have seen in all the previews on some personal dates, getting jewelry, giving that telltale wink as a necklace is put on her, she’s just freaking out and she’s just the poster child of the Gold Diggers right now.

Mary, who is in the carriage with Melissa M., is 24 and in ad sales. She’s more sedate as she talks about the “princess” fantasy so I’m not sure where to place her. In this case, we default to Gold Digger until proven otherwise.