High School Reunion, Episode 1: The Gang’s (Almost) All Here

"Tonight, classmates get together for a high school reunion like YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!" blares the overhyped announcer. "Over two weeks on the beautiful island of Maui, these classmates do a LOT more than reconnect as they pursue UNRESOLVED RELATIONSHIPS, ROMANCES, AAAAAAAND RIVALRIES!"

"What would YOU do if YOU had the chance to go BACK IN TIME and relive high school ALL OVER AGAIN?" he excitedly inquires. Shove this announcer off a cliff? Hey – he asked! Unfortunately, it seems our only choices are pursuing the person we've been dreaming about for ten years, getting revenge on the bully who made high school hell, showing off our new and improved bodies, or popping the question to our high school sweetheart. Eh, I suppose I'll pick revenge if those are my options.

"Whatever happened to the Class of ‘92? And WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THEM NOW?" he dramatically intones. Well, maybe if you'd SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE we'd find out! Just a suggestion.

Time for the cringe-inducing credits, featuring the most horrendously generic "uplifting" theme song in recent memory and horrifically cheesy footage of the participants, who no doubt were laughing hysterically or burying their heads in shame when they saw it for the first time. Bitchy Girl Sarah, Homecoming Queen Maya, and Jock Dan are suspiciously missing.

Oh joy! Our announcer is revealed to be our host! "Hi! I'm Mike Richards!" he chirps. Hi, Mike! GO AWAY. No such luck – Mike starts prattling on about what high school experiences are like. I hope he got hit in dodgeball a lot. I mean, yeah, he's cute and all, but is there a special school these hosts go to to learn to be EXTRA EXTRA PERKY? Or are they specially bred on a perkiness farm somewhere? Wouldn't it be refreshing to have someone like Daria hosting one of these things for once? I know I'd enjoy it.

Mike yammers on some more about how this is Chicago's (the suburbs, actually) Oak Park-River Forest High School Class of ‘92, all they know is that the reunion's in Maui, none of the contestants know which of their classmates will be there, yadda yadda, and now it's time to meet the classmates!

First up is Class Clown Jeff, identified as "Real Estate Broker." He tells us he wanted to have sex with every girl in high school, he had sex with anybody who would have sex with him, but unfortunately there wasn't a lot of sex for him. At the reunion he's going to try like hell to hook up; if anyone will have him, he'll take them! Well, it's more to the point than, "Hi, I'm a Libra and enjoy long moonlit walks on the beach," I suppose. He's the first to arrive and is given an "Aloha" and a lei from central casting's Requisite Traditionally Dressed Hawaiian Girl Greeter. L-E-I. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Jeff's a little nervous about being the first to arrive, which is the cue for our introduction to Holly The Shy Girl, identified as "Attorney." Holly was blonde in the interview videos but is now brunette; she looks good either way, actually. Holly tells us that high school was her profession. Her classmates probably remember her as stuck up and arrogant, but now she wants them to realize they were wrong! When she did Playboy her senior year of college, she'd say her high school classmates were probably shocked! Holly and her baggage get a warm greeting from Jeff, who immediately hustles her off to give her a drink with a cheesy umbrella. He excitedly tells us that Holly was hot; he saw her in Playboy back in college and was like, "Damn! I went to high school with that girl!"

"You're going to kill me, but I have no idea who you are!" Holly tells Jeff point blank. "What?" stammers a crestfallen Jeff. BWAH!

Next up is Chris the Misfit, identified as "Tennis Instructor." Chris tells us in high school he was a little bit of a drifter because he didn't really know who he was. At this reunion his mindset is to hit on as many girls as possible, which he can't spit out without laughing embarrassedly. As Chris approaches, Holly asks Jeff for help because she has no clue who Chris is either! Boy, for someone who seems to bear a whole lot of resentment toward a collective "them," she's sure not having much luck with the individuals, is she? "Do you know who anyone is?" Jeff asks her incredulously. "Yes!" she protests. Chris greets Jeff warmly.

Next up is Patricia the Gossip, identified as "Media Analyst." Patricia tells us she got horrible grades in high school and was told to become a flight attendant (ouch!), but now she's on a successful career path and is here to show everyone she's well on her way! Patricia greets Jeff and Chris warmly. Chris seems relieved to tell us that when Patricia came in, she had a big smile on her face and was genuinely happy to see him. Patricia tells us she's known him since sixth grade and recognized him instantly. "I used to come over to your house when we were nine!" Chris reminisces. I guess they must have skipped a couple grades. (Holly's just kind of hanging out in the background, by the way.)

Next up is Artist Tim, who tells us that in high school he and his friends didn't really quite fit in but just did all the crazy, off-the-wall stuff; he was also an actor and did a lot of plays. More importantly – I KNEW one of the guys HAD to have had long hair back then! YES!! I feel validated!! Anyway, now he calls himself a "group specialist" as he's in a band, writes, and acts. So of course he's identified as "Pilates Instructor." He greets everyone and takes off his hat to reveal he's now nearly bald; he tells Holly his hair used to be much longer.

Now it's time for Nerd Ben, identified as "Options Trader," which isn't EITHER of the things he's listed as in his show bio. Oy. He says he'd describe himself in high school as a shy guy, but we'd classify him as a nerd. He's changed a lot in the past ten years and would like to leave the reunion with respect gained in the eyes of his classmates. He greets Tim and Chris.