The Osbournes, Season 2, Episode 5: Smells Like Teen Spirits

After a two-week hiatus, thanks to holiday preempts, The Osbournes returned on January 7, 2003. While that has given me as a reviewer a chance to take a break and work on some other things, it now means that we have some catching up to do in the news-department.

December 25 saw Sharon doing the previously discussed “counter programming” on U.K.’s Channel 4 to the Queen’s Christmas message on the BBC. Nothing too outrageous was said; rather, just a simple message to remind people of what they have and their loved ones. Thus, fans that were waiting for her to tell the Queen to “lick my scrotum” (as she told Martha Stewart to do in Season One) were obviously disappointed.

New Year’s Eve was a big night for Sharon and Ozzy, as they spent the night at the Beverly Hills Hotel renewing their wedding vows and having a party to celebrate. It was a ceremony planned for July in honor of their 20th anniversary, but that was postponed due to Sharon’s Cancer treatment. Music at the ceremony this time was provided by the Village People.

Yeah, you read that right. Well, I guess that’s better than “Sunrise, Sunset.”

Some problems did occur at the party, however, when a guest not invited by the Osbournes themselves (but supposedly invited by another guest) won a diamond-necklace worth $15,000 in a raffle. The Osbournes are stating that since they did not invite the person (worse yet, she was a Hollywood agent), the person had no right to be in the raffle in the first place. The police and district attorney are still trying to figure out if anything really illegal happened.

Surprisingly, Aimee Osbourne will present an award during the AMA ceremony on January 13. This is the award show that will be showcasing the rest of the family as the hosts. For fans of the series that have missed out on seeing Aimee in more than just occasional snapshots of the family briefly seen on-screen, this is your chance.

In other news, Mr. Blackwell listed Kelly Osbourne as No. 2 on his “worst dressed list,” calling Kelly a “fright-wigged baby doll, stuck in a goth prom gown.” She finished No. 2 behind – argh! – Anna Nicole Smith. Sorry, ANS’ name still gives me the creeps even now. After having someone announce his selections, Blackwell went back into his cardboard box, thus predicting another six weeks of Winter.

Probably the biggest news in relation to the program itself is that the reviewers are finally starting to take their typical “anti” stance against a show that has now become in their eyes “too popular for its own good.” Of course halfway through the second season (and halfway through the number of episodes to be done of the entire series as a whole) is a bit late to be whining about how the show is “a joke on the viewing audience,” but no one has ever said that the majority of television reviewers are the swiftest oars in the water anyway. [Editor’s Note: Except on this site, of course.]

Still, that type of revolt is not without some merit. The cashing-in on the program – with books, toys (example at right), spin-off series, CDs, etc. – can be overpowering to the point of irritation. Some people may also feel that there is a limit to sympathy for Kelly and Jack going through their awkward teenage years when they get to have albums released by major record companies and get to go to the MTV award shows, etc. Jealousy? Perhaps in a small way – who wouldn’t want to do what these kids are doing at their age – but the continuing avalanche of material being shoved down people’s throats does little to help the situation.

Something that may be expanded upon in later weeks. For now, however, let us turn to this week’s episode, which marks the midway point of the series’ second season.

The episode begins with Ozzy’s assistant informing him that Jessica is about to have a baby. He then reminds Ozzy that Jessica is his oldest daughter.

The scene cuts to Ozzy getting off the phone and announcing to everyone that Jessica just had a baby boy. Or, rather, a baby girl. He got confused. Kelly tells him that he’s a “little grandfather.” Ozzy tells her not to “(bleeping) call me that.”

After the opening credits, the family is in the living room and Kelly is telling everyone of the horrible night out partying she had just gone through. She first points out that she had been drinking since 7:45 that morning, but drank responsibly. She doesn’t remember what she was drinking, but evidently she did so responsibly. Her story is a bit disjointed, but it seemed to involved a cab driver sexually threatening her, having to run down the street into an unknown bar, and eventually falling asleep somewhere between that point and getting home. Sharon, although visibly upset, tells Kelly she is amazed with how much had happened to Kelly in the past 24 hours. “I haven’t even taken a (bleep) in 48 hours,” Sharon comments.

The show skips over to a rather eventful moment for the family – Sharon’s father coming to visit. As mentioned in a previous column, Sharon and her father had recently gotten back together again after 20 years of not speaking to each other. The two had originally stopped talking when Sharon decided to take over Ozzy’s career from her father, and her father played hardball in negotiating a buyout of Ozzy’s contract.

Don, Sharon’s father, arrives for his visit, as Ozzy explains that it was his idea for Sharon to call him and try to mend fences. Ozzy jokes it was the worst idea he ever had, but it is obvious that Don and Sharon really do seem to have missed each other over time. Don explains to the camera his take on the fight that broke up the two, while Sharon reminisces about how the children at the time thought it was Tony Curtis who called and called Sharon “a whore.” Don breaks up Sharon by singing a song to her. She jokingly replies that she thinks she is going into a relapse.

After a quick bit where Ozzy helps put medication into Don’s ears, we are next shown Ozzy deciding to step out and get a burrito. He stops to ask Jack and Kelly if they want one, but there is so much talking going on that no one gets a straight answer and Ozzy decides that he’s just going to get one for himself. Or maybe two. Three might not be a bad idea either, it is suggested, but Ozzy is adamant. Two burritos, with one to put in the freezer for later. It is at this point that viewers may realize there isn’t going to be much heartpounding material on the program that night.

As Ozzy is seen in the restaurant getting his burritos, the camera cuts to Sharon with Don and another man at a deli. Sharon is explaining how both Jack and Kelly have been banned from different bars for one reason or another (Kelly mainly due to being too loud). Sharon mentions that all she did at that age was sneak to the movie theaters or off for a bit of fun. Don mentions that Sharon went to acting school, leading Sharon to point out that she was told by the headmistress she would never amount to anything. “She can eat my (bleep),” Sharon concludes.