Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes, Episodes 1 & 2 – Jamaica Me Crazy

In case we haven’t met, my name is Jason Borelli. My previous recapping experience was covering Dog Days from Animal Planet. As you read this recap, and the others that I’ll be writing over the next few months, remember this: I volunteered for this gig. Nobody forced me into this. In retrospect, I think I bit off a lot more than I can chew. Writing about New Yorkers and their dogs? It’s a piece of drama-free cake compared to the devil’s food I’m eating here.

Before I start, I should say this: if you’re lost on what show and season anybody is from, read my recap of the preview special. I didn’t want to make the story longer with parentheses. Any past season would be italicized and initialed if need be (for instance, BOTS would refer to last year’s Battle Of The Seasons, as opposed to Battle of the Sexes). Also, I apologize in advance if I throw out a pop culture reference you don’t get. I’m just trying to go with the flow.

Establishing shots of Jamaica: surf, trees, and Jamaican flag. Enter the minivan, full of Real Worlders and Road Rulers. Dan is the first to introduce himself, pronouncing the country “Jah-MAY-ka!” He’s sitting next to Ellen. Great, I’m already nauseous. She’s trying to use the thick bald head of Syrus as a crystal ball. In an interview, she says that she’s working in the markets of Chicago, wearing the yellow jacket and yelling, “buy!” and “sell!” Wait, I though she was doing correspondence work for Jenny Jones. Anyway, she asks Syrus’ head who will be voted out first. Next to Syrus is Beth, who’s still bitter for getting kicked off of last year’s Challenge “for no reason at all.” Somewhere, Norman and Becky have a good laugh. Beth is paranoid, and hopes people will look past her reputation. Good luck, but don’t unpack.

Music plays in the background. Aneesa shimmies in her seat. Theo bobs up and down. Jamie is wearing a cowboy hat to go along with the new beard. “I’ve just been roaming around, like a nomad,” he muses. “I’m an outlaw, and I like it.” Whatever, Jesse Jamie. I bet he was voted “Most Likely to Wander The Earth” in Cornell.

The van arrives at the Round Hill resort, and everybody cheers. Several shots are established, including the Chili’s Lounge (what, you thought there wouldn’t be sponsors?) Emily introduces herself. James introduces himself. He talks about how he and Emily met during Extreme Challenge. There’s a flashback of those two doing a fetish skit as Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. That episode hasn’t been rerun in, like, ever. James and Emily went on a bike trip from Virginia to California, and they fell in love. I’m still wondering how many brain cells Emily lost in order to fall for James.

Women’s Villa. Shots of beds and a master bedroom. Jisela feels the bed sheet. “This is nice!” she exclaims. “This is Jisela material, right here.” Amaya lies on the master bed. “God, there’s so much in here I can steal!” she says. Make your own Veronica joke. In an interview, Amaya says she’s incredibly happy to be here.

Men’s Villa. Establishing shots, including one of the pool. Antoine identifies himself as the only non-American in the group (he’s from Belgium). He asks Syrus where in Africa he’s from. Syrus tells him he’s not from there, and then laughs. Jake introduces himself: “I’m a terrible competitor. I don’t think I have a chance in hell.” He says this with a smile on his face, so maybe I’d relate to him more than the other guys. David E. talks into a seashell like a cell phone. He brags about how he was the first person ever to get kicked off a reality show. “I know it’s a sad thing to be bragging about,” he says, “But that’s my ring, and I’m taking it. This is my thing. I am The Real World.

Women’s Villa. Beth and Rachel meet. Veronica still has her bags packed; after getting voted out first in Battle of the Seasons, she doesn’t want to be unprepared. Rachel hopes that the strongest people don’t go first. At the pool, Genesis talks to Ellen about her marriage to her wife. It’s not legal in Florida, so they had gotten “commitment certificates” in Las Vegas.

Julie and Ayanna reunite. You might remember that after Ayanna got kicked off for pummeling Christian during Extreme Challenge, Julie kept calling for a boycott to bring her back. Julie’s happy to be in Jamaica, and she wonders who else is coming. She’s also glad Ayanna is here, and that she doesn’t want drama. I marked the tape at three minutes, thirty-one seconds. For here on in, it’s nothing but drama.

At 3:32, Melissa enters the room, and she wants to talk with Julie. Ayanna, who probably has the theme music to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly blaring in her mind, runs out, yelling, “No drama!” Melissa replies, “Oh, there’s no drama.” Turning back to Julie, Melissa tells her that they’re not friends, and that Julie is “very dishonest.” Julie’s eyes light up, practically showing “No Sale” like an old cash register. “Did I do anything to offend you?” Melissa’s momentarily taken aback. “Yet?” she rebuts. “The past two years of my life!” In an interview, Melissa says that she and Julie were friends, but that there had been shady business dealings. “Once you go messing with my money,” she says, “You go messing with my emotions.” Back to the villa, Julie says, “I don’t know what to do for you, hon.” In her own interview, Julie talks about how former cast members go on lecture tours. In her mind, a school hired her over Melissa, and she’s still upset over that. More fighting. Another girl (Tonya?) walks past the car wreck. Back to Melissa’s dueling interview: Julie is greedy, and she lies about Melissa’s fees and autograph signings, then tries to scoop up the gig. She yells and curses at Julie to “keep my name out of your mouth.” Julie goes off to see Dan (her ex-Extreme Challenge teammate).

Men’s Villa, where the drama is non-existent (for now). Yes introduces himself as he wrestles with Laterrian. Yes had been voted out with Veronica during BOTS, saying that he “got it in the butt.” Lovely. They grapple some more, as Mark and Eric N. observe their younger teammates. As the elder members on this show, they’re trying to save their energy. Cut to Eric diving off a balcony and into the pool. I’m hoping they have substitutes on call. “Damn, Eric busted his head open. Can Malik come over right away?” Mark quips that the girls are preparing for a slumber party. Colin introduces himself. “Everybody who’s ever been on this show is a freak,” he says. “You get 36 of these people in the same room, and something’s going to explode.” He’s got a brain and a body! Meanwhile, Mark makes his own jump into the pool.

Uh oh. Eminem’s “Without Me” plays: “Guess who’s back… back again.” Let’s see, the video for the song starred Julie and Syrus in small roles, and one oth-ah, the heck with it. Puck is here. I feel the bile build within me. He visits the Girls Villa, and somebody yells, “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!” Yeah, that would be my reaction. That, and grabbing something I could use to defend myself. In an interview, Puck feels accomplished, since he has a kid, a house, and a pool. Puck has a kid? That’s scary. He says he feels grown up. Naturally, cut to him thinking aloud about lesbian sex in the Villa. Emily is surprised Puck is here, noting that the two other people who have been kicked off shows for physical violence are here (that’s David E. and Gladys, for those scoring at home). She adds, “I think this is going to be the Jerry Springer of Battle of the Seasons. Wrong title, Emily, but I know what you mean. Puck passes gas near Mark. Puck to the camera: “Ladies and gentleman: rock and roll!”

Opening credits. Quick, name the worst opening credits in BMP history. For me, that was Road Rules: Maximum Velocity Tour, with the lame music, the multiple spilt screens of the mobile home, and some putz calling himself “The Roadmaster” trying vainly to look menacing. In Road Rules: Campus Crawl, they brought back the opening lines of the first several seasons. You know: adventure of a lifetime, your money’s gone, throw out your old rules, etc. But it had a weird hip-hop beat, fused with inexplicable blueprint graphics. Now, let’s talk about the credits for this show. I hope this is one-time-only, because it’s too long and it’s way over the top. I needed a nap afterwards. Without further ado, I give you Beach Blanket Battle of the Sexes.