Joe Millionaire, Episode 2: Bitchslapped, Shellshocked, and Totally Dissed

By now we all know the premise of Joe Millionaire – construction worker who made nineteen grand last year is pretending to have inherited fifty million dollars and is out to find the woman of his dreams to see if love wins out over money. Of course, we’ve also heard about him getting a ticket for stiffing a toll booth, his underwear modeling days, new information on him training to become a professional wrestler, how construction workers in California make more than he claims to have made, and even some pesky rumors that he may have worked as a gay male escort (the least plausible and provable of all the accusations as there is no concrete document trail there and therefore most likely not true.) Oh who cares… let’s bring on the drama! Tonight we go from twelve women to just five.

First order of business is to take care of the way that Evan dresses. Paul Hogan, the butler, gets the fine job of watching Evan dress and undress and redress into a variety out outfits to make sure that he looks comfortable, casual, and comes from money. Therefore that red flannel shirt we saw before – it’s gone. Those ripped jeans – outta there. All Evan really cares about though is if his hair is poofing out. Nice to know he has priorities.

The women are being fed breakfast and are told that is the day of the big date and are warned that they should go back and change clothes as they will be outside on their date. The first group date is to the vineyard with Sarah, Dana, Melissa, and Brandy. Evan says that he has a few surprises for these women to see how they react when things aren’t so comfy and cozy as they would expect.

The women are all thinking that they are going to see how to make wine and then go taste some afterwards. But no, Evan has them picking the grapes, putting them into a bucket, and pretty much doing all of the work while he looks on. Melissa M. is looking pretty disgusted by having to take part in this and I want to scream, “Suck it up, gold digger!” at her, but I don’t.

Brandy, Evan says, is a flight attendant and she’s doing her best to make a bad situation somewhat bearable. Then there’s Sarah, who I think Evan insulted (okay for me it would have been an insult) when he compared her to Martha Stewart. Evan, something tells me Sarah doesn’t know how to turn her federal subpoenas into placemats. Oh it turns out he didn’t mean that as a “good thing” after all. As for Melissa M., he was digging the Princess Leia hairdo and she’s spunky. Okay, the Princess Leia thing looked horrid. I know the weather conditions were bad on this date, but can someone say hair conditioner? Melissa M. even admits that she was faking her fun and she completely snowed Evan, who thought she enjoyed it.

With the first batch of grapes done the women all think their job is done and over with. NOT! There are TEN more rows of grapes to be picked and the women are not happy about that. However, there is one standout – Dana. She, out of all of them, seems to be doing the best to make the most out of the situation. Even Evan comments that he thought some of the women were intimidated by her. Dana is cracking me up because she is smiling and picking the grapes and feeding them to Evan, and there is Melissa M. looking as if she wants the earth to open and swallow Dana whole. In fact, the women are pissed at Dana because they are cold, wet, and miserable and she’s taking her time and making the most out of it – and getting the attention of Evan.

Date number two is the train ride with Mandy, Amanda, Mojo (Melissa Jo), and Katie. Katie and Amanda are already saying how they are looking for love with Evan and it’s getting a little nauseous. The women are taken to a train station and specifically to a locomotive where they must shovel coal in order to get the train moving.

Evan is already at the train station and he greets the women and they are not happy that they may be getting dirty. In fact, they gave the most unenthusiastic “alright”s I have ever heard. Evan gets them to sling in the coal one at a time while the other women look on to support each other. The women are grinning and bearing it even though they are now sweaty and covered in soot.

Once the train gets going and they all move inside to sit down, Melissa Jo takes the time on this train ride to go on and on about her life and who she is as a person while the other three women are just sitting across from them with their mouths closed and not getting a word in. I think Katie is giving her a look that says, “Do you ever shut up you blonde bitch?” Then Amanda gives her the, “Shut up you stupid fool!” look. The other women all feel really left out of the conversation while Mojo just eats it all up.