Joe Millionaire, Episode 3: When the Truth Hurts

So we're down to five women on Joe Millionaire and apparently only four will be able to make it to the next round. Now on its sister show (although they really don't want us to compare them to The Bachelor, we're going to anyway), this is the round where the friends would be showing up to help set up some individual dates for our hot guy and his fair maidens.

Here, it's a bit simpler - each of them are getting a date in the City of Lights. The City of Romance. The City of Love. Yes, we're in Yulee, Florida, where the population has a whopping one hundred twenty-three teeth between it's several thousand residents. I'm just kidding, they're in Paris. Now, we're going to do a quick fashion moment here and it's for Evan. Those turtlenecks they have you in… lose them. They make you look… well… not good at all. We're getting sweater, sweater, sweater, HEAD! Where's the neck Evan? You have this great long neck and that sweater is doing nothing for you.

Anyway, they've checked into this sumptuous hotel in Paris and they are told they have the Eiffel Tower Suite. Well Melissa M., whose intelligence I'm starting to doubt and you'll see why in a second, apparently didn't get the significance of the fact that it's called The Eiffel Tower Suite. I mean what else could it be than a suite that has a fabulous view of Paris' most famous landmark. She gets into the room and she's just amazed that it's right there outside the window. I mean really now, Melissa M. Really.

So over dinner, Evan asks if the women are open to dating to men of opposing occupations or low incomes. Everyone murmurs their agreements to that idea but Sarah says her only stipulation is that the man not lie to her. The first few times okay. But after that, he had better be honest with her or she is not having it one bit. And there's Evan just saying to himself, "Damn. I'm screwed."

The women go off to their rooms and Evan is in his and he turns off the lamp with his feet. I mean Evan. Are your fingers broken?

Evan's first date is with Mojo who was instructed to dress chic and in high heels. The women are trying to help her out in terms of dressing. Now her dress was fine. But that hat. The hat was hideous. It looked so wrong. Mr. Blackwell would have had a field day on her. Meanwhile we're treated to a shot of Evan's crotch as he zips up his pants. So nice to know we have equal opportunity body shots here.

Now here's what was really funny to me at least. The women are telling her to her face how great she looks but in confessionals they are all like, "Oh my God. What the hell was she thinking?" It's like they are purposely "uglying" her up for Evan. What would they say next? "Hey, Mojo. You know what would else would look great with that outfit? Clogs. Big wooden clogs from Amsterdam." Poor Mojo just thought she was the cat's meow, but I was not buying it at all. The hat just hides her face and she has a pretty face.

Evan just has this bad habit of popping champagne corks off of his balcony. Now if he's not that far off the ground that's okay but Evan those suckers could cause some damage if they hit someone, which it might have done or come close to doing as one guy yells up to him French. Where is Heidi when you need someone to translate? Of course she would say something about the bread baggage I'm sure. [Editor's Note: Where is Heidi? In the Reality TV Hall of Shame, where she belongs.]

Mojo arrives and seconds later a dresser comes in with three fabulous gowns for her to try on. Sadly, or really good for some men, one dress was a little too small and the others were too big. As Evan put it, while waving a beer in front of the camera, she is just falling out of the dress.

At dinner, well the conversation is nothing great. Evan is uncomfortable with the fact that Mojo does nothing much other than just stare at him for most of the dinner. She makes some asinine comments about tomatoes squirting out on her but for the most part the dinner is pretty damn boring. Mojo looks back and thinks it was the greatest thing in the world while Evan was thinking that it wasn't exactly what he had in mind.

Some of their dinner conversation besides the tomato includes the fact that she's a redhead and can tan. Ooh. Now that's scintillating. Mojo's steak is "good" as well. She thinks they have a lot in common but what the heck did they talk about? Evan says it's a disaster but she's freaking out.

Over to the Moulin Rouge where they get the VIP treatment. There's showgirls dancing and people topless and Mojo and her hat. That hat needs to go and Evan agrees with me because he would try to talk to her and she would turn her head and whack him in the head with it. That hat is just wrong on multiple levels.

Not just one. Multiple.

Next date belongs to Melissa M. She says her job is to win him over but he has to win her over as well. Off they go in the limo and Melissa wants to know if they are going to the Eiffel Tower, but Evan won't tell her. Of course she then says that he is good at keeping secrets and in a confessional she admits that she loves surprises and he has to have one up his sleeve. Oh honey, you have no idea what secret he is keeping and you may not like it.