Meet My Folks, January 20 – The Maloneys, Part 1: 8 Beautiful Girls

We’re back in the saddle here at Meet My Folks, and we haven’t a moment to spare. There are eight girls, two parents, one son, and evidently an auditorium of people we’ve got to get to know intimately in the next hour, so welcome to Season Two.

The Maloneys:

Son Dan: Tells us all about the type of girl he likes. In short: “no fat chicks.”

Mom Julie and Dad Jim: they seem nice and typical, your basic next door neighbors. They appear upright and honest. They’ve always been so quiet and never caused any problems, officer. It’s always the quiet types, yanno? Bet there’s an S&M dungeon in their basement.

It’s Wednesday afternoon, and the girls appear with their luggage.

• Melissa: likes ‘em tall and dark. Bizarre stripes in her hair that someone convinced her were highlights.
• Jackie: Mom thinks she’s very nice and classy.
• Lisa: a model, the epitome of “waif.”
• Stefanie: major cleavage, in danger of morphing into Anna Nicole Smith.
• Tawny: shows up braless, and Mom is not pleased.
• Shannon: describes herself as spunky. As Lou Grant once said, I hate spunk.
• Hillary: blonde and in public relations.
• Chelsea: Hawaiian, lovely looking. Mom smiles at her approvingly.

We then are treated to a short bio of Dan. He’s athletic and active in sports. He plays on all kinds of teams, sports teams to be exact. Did I mention he’s athletic?

The girls are shown to their rooms as they gossip away. One thinks Dan is scrawny, another thinks Dan won’t age well, and a third just wants to win the trip to Europe. (The couple gets to go to Europe this time around? Holy Budget Increase, Batman!)

Everyone is herded back downstairs to the living room again, where the family awaits them. An envelope arrives with the girls’ “Dirty Little Secrets.” First secret to be revealed: Melissa is an old family friend! She’s known the Maloneys for years! And what does an old family friend do in this instance? Immediately tattles on all the gossip that just occurred.

The girls are flustered and defensive as they try to explain away their mean comments about Dan. Uh huh, right. Just keep digging that ditch deeper, ladies. Melissa, her purpose in life now fulfilled, takes her leave.

Other dirty secrets: Jackie once got “down and dirty” (the show’s phrasing, not mine) with seven men in three days. A contest of sorts with a friend was implied. “There was just kissing!” says Jackie.

Stefanie: stole shoes from a rival beauty pageant contestant. “Just one shoe, not both!” she explains. Memo to Nash Entertainment: how dare you make such an error? Fire your fact checker immediately!

Tawny: has seven body piercings. “They’re not sexual!”

Shannon: hacked into ex-boyfriend’s computer to get at his email. “My friend did it, not me!” The friend just forwarded them to her. Oh, well, in that case…

Lisa: Deserted a tour group she was leading to go off and get drunk. “ I never get drunk!”

Chelsea: Led on and cheated on two boyfriends at once. She has the most plausible explanation, something about an old boyfriend coming back to her and emotions took over. At least she owned up to it. And that flower looks so pretty in her hair.

Hillary: Had sex with her college guidance counselor in his office. “He was hot.” And she only kissed him. Ahem.

Saved by the Fax Machine. Mom and Dad have to eliminate one girl immediately. Hillary is selected, and Dan escorts her and her luggage out to the street. The first original song of the season is played for us: “She’s gotta go, she’s the last one to know, where she ends up I don’t know.” How prophetic.

Now the girls are told to put on a talent show, and it seems they’ve each prepared a little something to entertain us. Lisa roller-skates around in a bikini while blowing bubbles. This is soon to be an Olympic event. Chelsea does a hula dance; Tawny does a card trick and swallows her fist. Don’t ask.

Shannon shows everyone how she can hack a computer. Just joshing… she demonstrates some martial arts stuff like breaking boards. Stef demonstrates her softball fast pitch, and Jackie plays the piano. Mom is kvelling over Jackie. Such a nice, refined young lady. Pianos are so classy.

They choose three winners who get to eat dinner inside with the family while the losers eat hotdogs outside. But it’s all just filler to move us into the night, and our first compromising situation: Stefanie and Dan in a couple of heavy make out sessions. First in a hot tub, then outside by a roaring fire.

Upstairs in the parents’ bedroom, a fax machine rings, and the folks are instructed to turn on the closed circuit TV to take a peek. Good timing, because Stefanie is in the midst of removing Dan’s belt. Dan is rolling around on the ground in ecstasy, and has a s’more stuck to his tush.

Mom and Dad go out to confront the couple. “Let’s not get nasty,” Mom tells Dan. However, it’s Dad who asks the question all America wants to hear: “Did you know you have a s’more on your behind?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t… oh wait, I do.”

Riveting, isn’t it?

Thursday morning, 7:30 a.m. Mom rousts the girls from their beauty sleep and tells them they are all going to a silent film festival. Dad and Dan join them, so you know something’s up. This isn’t your ordinary early morning parental torture that we’ve gotten to know from last season.

We’re now in a small, well-appointed theater, and a silent film is playing. There are many people in the audience, as the girls and family take their seats up front. But wait… the film breaks, and suddenly, video appears on the screen! Like magic, we’re seeing the girls’ Big Secrets being revealed. Okay, you got me, Nash Entertainment. This was completely unexpected and very cool.