Meet My Folks, January 21 – The Maloneys, Part 2: And Then There Were Five…

If you missed part 1, click here to bring yourself up to date.

We pick up our adventures in dating with the Maloneys back at the family estate, and as Willie Wonka might say, “Three bad little girls gone, five good little girls left.”

May I also emphasize, we are talking about girls here. I’d like to address them as women, but I just can’t. And as far as the “ho” terminology goes (which is very popular these days for describing females on dating shows), I haven’t yet reached that level of desperation. I refuse to believe these girls are not without some redeeming factors. At least one of them, God knows who, has got to have one kernel of humanity within her. At least one measure of goodness, intelligence, compassion, altruism and conscience must dwell within the heart and soul of someone on this show.

Stop laughing.

Back to reality. Mom sits the five down and tells them it’s time for a little game. Seems Mom and Dad want to figure out who has the brains in the bunch. This is a worthy goal, and immediately, I envision a Current Events quiz. Something like, name the President of Afghanistan, who is Condoleeza Rice, and things of that nature. Let’s just find out which one bothers to pick up a newspaper.

The doorbell rings, and it’s none other than Wink Martindale. The Wink Martindale. I’m shocked. I thought he was dead. Sorry; I was thinking of Jack Barry and Gene Rayburn. Wink, who has about a pound of pancake makeup on, greets Mom warmly, and informs us all he’s there to host the game. The winner will get a private date with son Dan (remember him?).

Dan acts as scorekeeper, as Wink reads off the questions, which I swear were rejected from The Howard Stern Show. These brainteasers include “when was the war of 1812?” and “how many states in the U.S?” They threw every joke question at the girls except “Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb?”

The sad part is that most of them had no clue. Yes, one of them even got the number of states wrong. Another didn’t know the number of days in a year. I kid you not.

At the end of the game, it’s a tie between Stefanie and Tawny. The tiebreaker: name all nine Supreme Court Justices. Ha! As if. No, they had to guess the distance to Times Square. Stef is closest with 3,000 miles, and Tawny’s guess is 25,000, which, as she admits later, would’ve put them closer to the moon than New York City.

The fax machine rings, and reveals something positive about winner Stef: she volunteers for Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Now, this is a nice touch. Good for you, Nash Entertainment. I’m starting to feel all warm and fuzzy.

But this doesn’t last, as the girls are sheparded into another room, where a surprise party awaits them. Surprise! Five ex-boyfriends are hiding behind the couch.

The girls suddenly panic. Evidently, harsh secrets are about to be told, and I swear if there was a window available, at least three of them woud’ve jumped.

Stef’s ex, Josh, tells the assembled that on one Christmas day, he found another man in his bed. Also, Stef once threatened Josh with jail – well, more than threatened; during an argument she called the cops and he spent a day there. I’d like to know more details, but we only have an hour, and four other girls to humiliate. Moving on…

Shannon’s ex, Dominick (who looks about 15), tells us what we already knew: Shannon has humongous trust issues. She not only hacked into his email, she hacked into his bank account and credit cards. Dom speaks with real bitterness and hate. I can’t quite fault him for this.

So, Shannon breaks down once again, claiming stupidly, “I don’t know this man.” This line might’ve worked had she turned it into a joke, but she chose to hysterically cry. Chelsea, the Hawaiian beauty, goes over to comfort her. Major empathy points wing Chelsea’s way.

Tawny’s ex, Matt, informs us that Tawny is a nightmare. He then pulls out a pair of handcuffs she had left at his place. Mom is freaking out, but Dan is positively thrilled. He can’t wait to use them. Down, boy.

Chelsea’s ex, Ryan, is hard pressed to match these tales of woe. He babbles about how Chels is very image conscious, and uses her looks to get men to buy her drinks. There is no reaction from Mom and Dad to this non-shocking revelation.

Finally, Lisa’s ex, Sam, tells a somewhat convoluted tale about how Lisa is a home wrecker, bought a house, and ended up with a car instead. So the car was some kind of payoff? It’s not quite clear to the viewers, but it looks like Mom understands completely, and she is not happy about it at all.

Now, a flower bouquet arrives at the front door, and of course, it comes with instructions. Mom and Dad have fifteen minutes to decide which girl to dump, and must present the flowers to the dumpee. A nice, evil touch.