The Surreal Life, Episode 4: The Vince Neil Show

Here we are to discuss the fourth installment of The Vince Neil Show! Errrr, I mean, The Surreal Life. (OK, it’s really the third show, but remember that WB considered the first hour-long show to be two episodes.) This guy is logging more camera time than Tonya Harding on her wedding night, but in a good way. I have always said however much the editors hate Corey, that is how much they love Vince. I have always said that. Right, like The Surreal Life predates me and it is a lifelong motto of mine.

So on to the recap? Ready? Let's go...

We have new opening credits, and although we have only seen the old ones twice this is none too soon. The L.A. DJs got old fast. I thought what they did here was very clever. Some shots of the stars around the house with some kitschy, cheesy, and sparkly graphics superimposed with their names while the voiceover is a self-descriptive line from the first episode. Well done, art department!

Scenes of TV's oddest collection of roommates waking up.

Corey's enthusiastic tooth-brushing gets a lot of airtime. Do you think he is doing damage to his enamel by brushing so hard? I have never seen such violent dental hygiene.

So they get their house tabloid giving them their assignment for the day. A BBQ / talent show for charity. This makes me glad I don't wake up to a little tabloid on my front porch assigning me a silly list of things to do with people I don't particularly like.

Emmanuel isn't feeling the talent show at all. Hasn't been in one since he was ten and feels it is beneath him professionally, but he uses less condescending phrasing to express that. Pssssst... Corey? Check out Manny. Look at him, hear what he says. This is personal dignity, my friend, and it is a beautiful thing.

Vince thinks the talent show is stupid. The first of many moments this episode where he proves himself to be a truth screamer. (I know I borrowed the phrase “truth screamer” from radio legend Steve Dahl, but when a term fits...) Then he says the talent show is to "make a bunch of professionals look like buffoons." Isn't that the point of this whole series?

Jerri says, "If you don't want to make a fool out of yourself don't be in the business." Or, and these are just my thoughts, be in the business but have some talent. Knowing one’s limitations as well as one's strengths creates a balanced sense of self. Just a thought.

All the proceeds of the talent show go to charity and the winner gets a night in the master bedroom.

Oh, and they have to go into Hollywood and sell the tickets themselves. They are less than pleased, as anyone who has ever had to hawk anything can imagine. You know how you felt sitting at a folding table outside the cafeteria at school selling flowers, or M&Ms, or school buttons to raise money for your team or band or club? Imagine doing that and having to tell people who you used to be.

Flash to the mall where they are selling themselves, I mean... the tickets. "Hi, I'm Corey Feldman." Had that been followed by, "damn glad to meet ya," I would think he was angling for the role of Otter if they ever remake Animal House. Hammer is working it! I was never a fan of his, I never gave him much thought one way or the other, but the man has charisma. I have to give him that, he is engaging. Gabrielle is introducing herself as "Gabrielle Carteris – I used to be on 90210." I don't know why but that seems so sad to me. I would just hate to go through life and introducing myself and having to trot out some job I had years and years ago; it seems to diminish what she has going in her life now, and she's a mom and has a husband she loves and that seems to me a whole lot more important than being at the center of fictional teen angst in the ‘90s. But maybe that's just me.

Vince bought the tickets himself and was giving them away. Who thought going into this he would be the smartest guy in the house? This was my first thought, why weren't they all doing this? There was no way he was doing the old cold sell for this goofy thing so he bought them himself so the charity would get money and gave them away so they would have bodies in the seats without him having to embarrass himself. It is only because no one else thought of this that it looks brilliant instead of just common sense. Case in point: Several years ago my family was gathered at my mom's house and we were talking about first jobs and I mentioned the first money I ever earned was for my first set of poms. Our squad was selling candy to raise money to buy them. One of my sisters, who like Vince Neil is a truth screamer, said "bringing a case of M&M's to dad's house and having him write a check for $70 and buy them all is not earning money." My very personal point is what Vince did is a time-honored tradition and not the least bit lazy, and I feel very validated right now.

The editing is very flattering in the whole selling scene. You know they had to have been rejected and blown-off, why wasn't that shown except for Corey being shunned by a clown. Read into that what you will. By the way, what charity was it for? Charity is an ambiguous word. Was this to help sick children or to provide knit caps for sea turtles? I want to know, inquiring minds and all that.

So they are back at the house talking about what they will be doing for the talent show. Since they have almost no prep time I actually feel bad for them – 50 minutes as they returned home at 4:10 and the guests were do to arrive at 5:00 for the BBQ. It is hard to think on your feet about what you would do for a talent show on such short notice. Not that most of us will ever be faced with this dilemma. I mean how many of us walk to the coffee machine at work to get a cup and are grabbed by someone who demands, "Entertain me! Right now!" I mean, I think most people would be a little disconcerted. So I don't expect much.