Joe Millionaire, Episode 4: Mojo Go-Goes Bye-Bye

Hi! I'm Brian James. I'll be filling in for C. Brian Devinney this week due to the unfortunate fall he took while rescuing a bunch of stranded orphans and recalcitrant Tibetan yaks from the pinnacle of Mount Everest. Or he had a VCR snafu. One of the two. In any event, I'll be offering less fashion commentary and more random pop culture references but hopefully the change won't be too jarring.

In his usual faux-Masterpiece Theatre fashion, Paul the butler welcomes us back warmly and tells us our merry band of players is returning back to the chateau to see just who will enjoy the simple pleasure of Evan's company, or, as he says Evan puts it, "hanging out." Oh, those wacky kids with their hepcat slang.

First up is Sarah, who gets to enjoy the simple pleasure of bike riding! Evan thinks they'll have a lot of fun! He suggests they ride on the bike together like Laverne and Shirley. "Not without forking over a considerable sum of that fifty mil, there, bub," Sarah thinks, then smiles, "You get in the back!" But that wacky card Evan was just kidding, so they enjoy a simply pleasurable ride on separate bikes. Sarah tells us she's enjoying the undivided attention, which I think is like Cue Card #73 for the individual date confessionals on these types of shows. They arrive at a farmhouse, where Sarah gets the simply pleasurable task of harvesting and plowing the entire field. OK, so they just do some wine tasting in the kitchen. Quite a lot of wine tasting. Which is not aided by their host only speaking French. Soon, they're plastered. Evan notes that he thought Sarah was a goody-goody but after a few drinks he's beginning to see she has a wild streak! Or maybe she's just blitzed. One of the two.

"Two words - reckless abandonment," declares Sarah. Well, at least she has a better grasp on word count than Paula Abdul. Showing some reckless abandonment in presumptions, she tells us she pretty much knew she was going to make it until the end, so now's the time to grill him about his plans for the money! "Uh... I don't know," says our resident sage uncomfortably in response. He notes Sarah seems really interested in the money and decides to dodge the subject by kissing her. So they kiss. And kiss. And kiss. But not as long as the producers would have us think, unless Sarah's an animatronic dummy who puts her hands in EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE ON EVAN'S CHEEK AND SHOULDER every time.

"She was definitely ready... the heat was on," notes Evan, mapping out the first draft of his subsequent letter to Penthouse Forum. They get back to the chateau and decide to continue their date. As Tiffany transmogrifies from a shrub to serenade them with "I Think We're Alone Now," those wacky kids go running just as fast as they can, holding onto one another's hand, trying to get away into the night to ditch the camera crew. Yeah. THAT'LL happen. When they reach a place deep in the woods out of the camera's sight range, they tumble to the ground and then they spontaneously recite original declarations of love in iambic pentameter to one another. Being that I can't possibly top such intellectual yet romantic poetry, I'll just quote the subtitles verbatim for your benefit:

"Ahhh. Mwah. Uhhh. Mwah. Ha ha ha ha. Think it'll go better laying down? Ahhh! Shhh! Ahhh. Shhh. (Slurp.) Shhh. (Slurp.) Umh. (Slurp.) Mmmmmm. (Gulp.) Ahhhh. (Slurp.) (Smack.) Umh. (Smack.) Umh. (Smack.) Huh huh ha he. Scandal!"

(This is right about the point on Three's Company where Janet would burst into the kitchen barking, "Jack!," only to discover that he and Chrissy were feeding a stray puppy or something.)

Evan notes that everything "kicked into a different gear and started to become a little more intimate." So THAT'S what the kids are calling it nowadays. Meanwhile, back in the chateau, Mojo and Zora play chess and discuss the Treaty of Ghent. OK, so maybe not that last part. But they did play chess.

Sarah notes it was definitely more exercise than she had planned. I'll bet. She tells us she was nervous at first about the date but wound up feeling really comfortable. Evan and Sarah agree they had a great time as they part til morrow. Then Sarah sneaks out front with Melissa for a smoke break. Melissa demands to know if they kissed, but Sarah will only cop to a brief goodnight peck. Oh wait - and at the wine tasting too; she nearly forgot! "So you've done everything you said you wouldn't do on TV. Disrespectful," snits Melissa. Now wait. Sarah never promised she wouldn't "huh huh ha hee" or "mwah." Let's not get too hasty here. Melissa tells us that she doesn't want to stand in the way if one of these other girls truly loves Evan, but if she said she didn't want to be one of the last ones standing she'd be blatantly lying. Kind of like she does later on in the episode. But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

Melissa and Mojo gossip about Sarah coming back drunk. Mojo says she thought, "What a way to make an impression," but that obviously it didn't matter to Evan. No, Mojo, I think it's safe to say Evan was definitely enjoying it. Especially considering he was probably equally ripped.

While Melissa primps and primps and carefully plans her outfit and says, "I'm going to have yer baby" in a horrendous attempt at a Southern dialect, Evan tells us Melissa is going to get to enjoy the simple pleasure of making dinner with him in the kitchen! In fact, he's just throwing on a pair of flip flops, sweats, and a T-shirt. Except that he's wearing jeans. Whatever. He's really excited! Melissa is less so. "Where are we going?" she asks when she sees his attire, eyeing him like he's about to ask her for a quarter or a smoke. She's less than thrilled to hear they're headed for the kitchen. She snits to us that she DOES NOT cook! Evan notes that Melissa doesn't seem too "domesticated," and as much as I felt like swatting her with a rolled-up newspaper at points in this episode, she's not a dog or cat. I believe "domestic" is the word he was looking for.