High School Reunion, Episode 4: Much Ado About Nothing

After a two-week break, the producers obviously want to make up for lost time and torment me right off the bat. This episode opens with tool--er, host Mike Richards BONG-BONG-BONGing away on a large gong at 7:08 IN THE FREAKING MORNING to wake the entire house. "Mike's hitting the bong again," notes Maurice. Heh. Natasha appears to be glaring at Player Dan hugging Summer. Hold onto that thought. "If you bang it, they will come," drones Mike Richards. I'm SO not touching that one.

Yes, Mike, everyone's just fine for being woken up at 7:08 IN THE FREAKING MORNING. He has a "fun game" for them which he's sure they're glad to hear about. They might be a little more glad if it weren't 7:08 IN THE FREAKING MORNING. Anyway, it's called "Rumor Mill." Mike tells them that out on the "lanai" (what the hell is this, The Golden Girls?!) are cards on which they're to anonymously write a classmate's name and ask him or her a question of the "Is it true that..." variety. Tomorrow night, he'll gather them to ask the questions. OK, so this is basically just a blatant ripoff of "The Hot Seat" from Love Cruise. Thanks for making that trainwreck enter my consciousness once again. Just for that, BEGONE, Mike.

Player Dan's excited about the Rumor Mill game! A quick montage of questions follows:

"Summer – isn't it true that you bedded down with a teacher during high school?"
"Chris – were you really a womanizer in high school?"
"[Player] Dan – is it true that you got drunk and kissed a guy in college?"
"Dave – is it true that what you like most is a good, hard spanking?"

These are more interesting and/or provocative than the questions that are finally selected, as you'll see.

Because nothing in the house can officially happen without the Gossip Patricia Two Cents Seal of Approval, Gossip Patricia shares with us that she'd like to hear the rumors people are spreading about HER! Great! I'll write out my own card: "Patricia – Is it true the best gossip you can come up with is 'I heard Jeff and Holly got the Hall Passes'? Don't quit your day job."

Oh good God, Gossip Patricia isn't even out of BED yet and already she's off and running with the bargain basement Page Six crap. Some people say good morning to start the day. With Gossip Patricia it's more like, "Summer was the one who put the cherries in Player Dan's mouth and pulled down his pants last night." Yeah, except that Tim and Ben were RIGHT THERE and it was TIM'S idea. Natasha tells us she's miffed because that could have been humiliating to Dan. I think he's doing more than a good enough job of humiliating himself on this show without any help. Natasha snits she's going to do SOMETHING to Summer! Gossip Patricia opines that Summer seems a lot more confident since she got that anonymous note last night and maybe it's time to take some of that confidence away! Gossip Patricia needs to get over her damn self. Natasha suggests writing ANOTHER anonymous note that says, "Summer Turns To Fall!" Maya squeals that's sinister! No it's not! It's juvenile! And, to use a word that gets bandied about quite frequently in this episode, LAME, LAME, LAME!! It's not even Sweet Valley High; it's Sweet Valley Elementary School! GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

The producers prompted--er, for no apparent reason, Nicole is lurking outside their door eavesdropping and runs and reads off the cuecards--er, tells Summer the three roomies are talking trash about her. It's edited to look like Summer runs to their door to overhear for herself, but upon closer look, it's really just her closing her door after Nicole leaves. She tells us Natasha, Maya, and Patricia are being "exclusionary" and that's bound to cause a division.

Gossip Patricia looks up from her croquet game long enough to dish to us that cliques are happening at the reunion and it's only natural. Furthermore, she and Natasha and Maya have decided to host a private cocktail party only for the guys in their room! To attend, the guys need to wrap a towel around their waist and bring three compliments! Or, as Natasha smiles to Player Dan, "a fifteen minute complimentary martini party!" You know, just when I think the maturity level on this show can't possibly drop any lower? It does.

Maya tells us she knew the "only the guys" thing would cause conflict among the girls. Quick shots of Summer, Amy, Sarah, and Nicole with "Duh-duh-DUH!" music. Natasha tells Player Dan that Maya thinks it's mean, "which it is, but whatever!" Gossip Patricia still thinks it's a brilliant idea but tells Natasha they'll "get a lot of haters." Quick shots of Summer, Amy, Sarah and Nicole: Duh-duh-DUH!!

Christ almighty, does Gossip Patricia ever take a bathroom break?! Here she is informing Maya she got the Hall Pass. Natasha, Player Dan, and Gossip Patricia try to give Maya a pep talk, reminding her she was very popular and the homecoming queen, but Maya tells us that despite that, she really didn't have a dating life in high school and this is making her just as nervous now as it did then. She winds up writing the invitation for "sushi, sake and sunset" on an apple, sticks a fork in it, and hands it to Ben, which is kind of creative. Ben accepts, of course. Maya tells us she wants to see if this thing with Ben is just friendship or has the potential to turn into something more. Ben: Blah blah I was shy in high school. Jock Dan: Ben must be the apple of Maya's eye! Everyone: OHHHHHHH!

Without the aid of Gossip Patricia, Summer discovers she got the other Hall Pass. Summer tells us this is her one shot to get out of the house and she wants to make sure she has fun. She has the Hall Pass for all of two seconds before some guy calls up to her to ask if she got a Hall Pass, which naturally sets Gossip Patricia and Natasha to dishing about it. Gossip Patricia tells us she thinks Summer's a little over the top and just wants to be in the mix. Whoa! Easy with those stones in that glass house of yours, there!

Summer tells us she thinks everyone was waiting to see whom she'd ask, and decides on Player Dan, who accepts to the consternation of Natasha, whose jaw literally drops. Maurice, apparently thinking this might have been HIS one shot at some airtime, also looks a little miffed and tells us he thinks part of it was Summer wanting to ruffle Natasha's feathers. He seems in shock that someone actually wants to hear his viewpoint, and I can't say that I blame him at this point.