The Bachelorette, Episode 5: Punka Punka Burning Dud

When you arrive at the final three in any edition of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette it means that we get to whisk the candidates off to exotic locales where the romance will simmer and envelopes will abound.

With the first date in the exotic locale of… um… Seattle (?) we get a date with Ryan. She arrives on one of those cool sea planes that evokes memories of Fantasy Island. I can hear Mr. Rourke now telling Tattoo, "This is Trista Rehn. She was jilted on national TV by a man who told her that she was the one woman for him. Now we're here to give her the chance to find love for herself. But to do so, she must first be taught the lessons she doesn't want to learn." Of course Tattoo is sitting there going, "Whatever you say, boss."

So Trista arrives in Seattle and says that seeing Ryan waiting for her there put butterflies in her belly. Well, considering the rumors about her expecting a child with Charlie, that must be some combination in her stomach for sure. (By the way, as I have repeatedly reported here and in my blog, she's not pregnant.

A water taxi arrives and it takes them to this gorgeous houseboat that is just immaculately designed and furnished. They already have dinner waiting out for them but they focus on just one thing – the hottub. Forget the food, let's get naked!

Ryan, for his part, is really into Trista. (And personally, I feel pretty damn ashamed that of the final three men, I never put any of them past the second round in my preview article – I just suck at this one.) Anyway, Ryan wishes he could just steal Trista away but that would be kidnapping and since she has two other dates to go on that just wouldn't be the right thing now would it?

And let's talk about Trista for a second. It's Seattle and she just has to go to Starbucks doesn’t she? Personally, I call the place Starf*cks because any place that charges THAT much for a cup of coffee is doing just that to their consumers with a piece of barbed wire. [Editor’s Note: Ouch!]

Fashion check – Trista looking great although not liking the Jackie O thing with the sunglasses. And the two t-shirts thing that Ryan is doing. Well I'm sure that maybe in Vail it's a hot style, but for me it's pretty uninspired. Blue and ash grey with khakis. Sigh. Well, thankfully Ryan's body more than makes up for it. Especially in these modeling pics!

Ryan starts in on his feelings and asks her if she knows how he feels about her, to which she gives an indication that she does know. He goes back to the previous rose ceremony when the men came in with their birthday gift to her and how he felt on Cloud Nine after spending time with her in the deliberation room. Those feelings however were tempered when he saw Greg, Russ, and Charlie all come with the same broad smiles on their face.

Okay was it just me or did anyone else just want to reach out and give Ryan a big hug right then? Come on. You know you did. [Editor’s Note: If the amount of e-mail about getting a date with Ryan if he doesn’t win is any indication, yes, a lot of others did – but, folks, e-mailing the editor of RealityNewsOnline will not get you a date with Ryan, I’m sorry to say.]

Well forget about feeling any sympathy for him because sure enough he's locking lips with Trista and let me just say that it was one hot make-out session between the two of them. Generally I get that "Ewww" feeling when I see some straight people kissing because it either looks like they re trying to devour each other’s heads or someone lost their gum in the other person's mouth and they are trying to suck it back into theirs. But this was HOT! Even I went, "Wow. Now that was pretty damn hot." Even Ryan thought it was hot because he had an overwhelming desire to douse himself with cold water. Instead they just have nice cuddle time watching the sun set over the water.

Anyway, what Trista said prior to their lip lock was that she hoped Ryan didn't get too emotionally invested in something between them because she has two more dates to go through and as we all know something could happen on these dates that could change her mind. But let's be honest. If this was really the case then Greg might have had a bit more of a chance in the final four round, but that's something else altogether.

Dinner is at the Space Needle, as if Seattle has another major attractions besides the Space Needle that would be readily known to the viewing audience (and if there is, please from Seattle, please tell me as I am Seattle geography clueless here).

Ryan goes back once again to talk about his feelings for Trista and his lack of knowledge as to how Trista feels about him. Part of me wondered if she was just trotting out the party line in saying that she definitely has feelings for him, but she later confesses to us that she was, for the most part, being aware of Ryan's sensitivity and that she didn't want to make him feel overly special and think that he was the one. I give her some credit though when she said that in that one moment she is totally into Ryan and wouldn't want the night to end, however, she knows she has two more dates to go so things could change.

Oh my God. Is she admitting that she may now understand what Alex went through on his final night?

Anyway, she reaches into her purse and pulls out an envelope. Yes, it's THE envelope. Ryan apparently has no idea what the envelope signifies and while he's stuffing his face with ice cream (Mmmmmm… ice cream) Trista reads the card and says that they can spend the night together in their fantasy suite. Ooh, now whose fantasy are we enacting tonight?

Ryan, for the first time ever, shows some major energy and focus and is ready to get to that room as soon as possible, with Trista not too far behind. Of course, I loved the fact that he asked the driver to go as fast as possible.

Horndog.

I dunno. Locking the door. Pulling the deadbolt? Geez. Ryan is ready!

The room is decked out in candles and rose petals. They drink some champagne and get down to some heavy lip-locking that made me really jealous that it was Trista there and not me. Ryan says he is no longer falling in love with Trista but that he is submerged in it while Trista says that Ryan makes her feel special and loved and one of a kind.