Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes Episode 6: My Big Fat Puck Wedding

Have you even had one of those weeks where nothing went right for you? That was how I felt waiting for this episode. I knew months in advance that Puck, who could fall into oblivion and I wouldn’t care, was getting married on the show. To gripe about how unfair it is that I watch this episode over and over for recapping purposes would be hypocritical. The week before was a pain for me. To wit:

• CBS decides to push The Amazing Race back by a few months in order to air Star Search. Here was the best reality series on the air, the winner of several RNO Awards, and it gets pushed back by a revamped syndicated series? Arsenio Hall hosts, which makes me wonder if Ed McMahon is soaking in formaldehyde on Johnny Carson’s estate. Sounds like the people who run network programming need to listen to reason. Or maybe listen to two hours of Flo shrieking. By the way, I like Flo a lot more than Ellen now.
• I watched American Idol in the hopes of seeing Janine Falsone, who passed the audition round. She’s from Staten Island; with the exception of Drew Feinberg (The Amazing Race), I have seen every Islander on reality television. But she didn’t make it past the second round. I now see why AI is so popular, but I’m not watching it anymore because I don’t need a new obsession. I will say that I’d like to nominate the three losers who ditched rehearsals for a night of whoring their AI cred to the Hall of Shame. You’re two days from greatness, and you pull that crap? Idiots!
• I don’t watch Joe Millionaire either, but I had to laugh at Sarah being exposed as the Queen of the Tight Restraints. Seriously, why do people with pasts go on these shows? Don’t they know The Smoking Gun will delve into their files and embarrass them? The worst was the New York Daily News, which had Sarah and Saddam Hussein on the cover, with the headline, “Saddam and Gomorrah.” It was a slow news day.
• Then I saw Janine on the date show, Elimidate. For those who have never watched an episode, consider yourself lucky. Janine dated four guys at the same time in Cancun. Nothing wrong with her; she’s hot, and has a lovely voice. The guys? Complete tools. For real giggles, I recommend the episode of The Fifth Wheel with Coral Smith (Real World: Back to New York). She may be a bitch, but she’s fun to watch, especially if somebody gets on her nerves.

On Monday night, I was ready. I had the tape in the VCR, and my own charm to ward off the putridity of Puck: the Spring 2002 issue of InStyle Weddings that covered the nuptials of Judd Winick and Pam Ling. Both were roommates of Puck’s back in 1994. Both have moved beyond the realm of being “that guy from that show” (Pam is a doctor, Judd is an acclaimed comic book writer). It goes without saying that I hold those two by a higher standard than Puck. Okay, enough writing from my high horse. Time to recap.

Previously on Battle of the Sexes: Puck wants to get married in Jamaica. Ellen thinks it’s for show. Dan repeats the line about how neither will back off from each other. Ellen comes into the Woman’s Villa, sobbing about how “he was gonna kick my ass!” Dan rolls his eyes and puts on a smile. To review: hate Puck, hate Ellen, like Dan.

Credits! Midtown!

“He just told me he’s gonna kick my ass!” Counting teasers, we heard her say that four times in two episodes. Ellen starts whining about how the other guys were just sitting there. Aneesa walks in, and she’s holding her bare breasts. You see, this is why you invite certain people on shows like these, to see if they’ll engage in the same behavior as when we first saw them. Aneesa is the Queen of Inappropriate Nudity. In two weeks, she’ll be arguing with her mother on the phone. Dan in an interview: “The mountains are going to tumble. The skies are going to fall. The world is coming to an end. Ellen’s life has been threatened.” If Dan ever wants to recap the rest of the season, I might have to let him.

Back to Ellen, with Aneesa’s breast blurred out. The high-fives you hear come from those who picked Aneesa in the Fantasy Challenge (15 points). Ellen barely notices, insisting she’s not overreacting in regards to Puck. Dan tries to convince the girls that Puck doesn’t rule over the guys, but he confesses to us that’s a lie, and that they can’t stand up to him. As much as I’d like to hate Dan, he has a point. Who wants to look like David “[Oedipus Rexing]” Edwards? Or Ellen, for that matter?

At the Men’s Villa, Puck convinces Colin to read from his quote book. It’s all fun here, as opposed to the angst pit that is the Women’s Villa. Speaking of which, Ellen cries some more, while Dan makes his face. Aneesa suggests that Dan talk with Puck, which stuns Dan. Aneesa points out to Ellen that everything Puck does is for shock value. “If Puck’s really going to do something,” she adds, “It would already have been done.” Ellen has a different opinion. “A man should never talk to a woman like that,” she says. “The fact that the boys did absolutely nothing proves to me they’re a bunch of cowards.” Oh, how I’d love for her to say that in their faces. Shut up, Ellen.