The Surreal Life, Episode 6: Blind Date for Brande

Can I make one plea before I start this week's recap? Nike, PLEASE stop with the epic commercials. It took me less time to read The Iliad than to watch that woman run through the streets in a quest for a pretzel readily available in the freezer section of any grocery store. If I promise to buy a pair of shoes will you stop it? Thank you.

On to the business of mocking the near-famous...

Previously on The Surreal Life, they were in Vegas. Vince angry, Corey crying, Hammer proud, Vince redeemed. There you have it, and it took a half hour to tell that story last week.

We see the girls waking up and scenes of Vince and Gabrielle making breakfast, or "mom and dad" as a friend said to me after we saw the show last night. People have really cloaked themselves in their self-imposed roles, haven't they?

Jerri and Brande take Mercedes the dog for a walk through the neighborhood, talking about how hard it is to meet a guy. Brande wants to meet the guy she will marry within the year. He will be honest, have integrity, and be secure with himself, which is hard to find in Los Angeles. I guess. Seems to me those are pretty reasonable standards to set and not in short supply among men I know; L.A. is a whole different animal. They stop to coo over a baby and talk about how they loooove babies - it's just the men that are the problem. Ahhhh… I remember being that naive. When was that? Oh yeah, it was before I had children and I thought motherhood was all nuzzling the tops of heads all freshly washed with baby shampoo and kisses that smell like cookies. It's that and a million other things a whole lot more worrisome and nerve wracking than finding a man, but I digress.

So walking along they see a guy they find hot as he is taking groceries out of the trunk of his car. Let's backtrack for a moment. Were you finding it a little hard to believe that she was having such a hard time meeting men and getting dates? Yeah, me too, but when I saw her approach I thought we may possibly have found out why. She yells to the man from across the street asking him if he's married - and not in a flirting tone either. She comes off like a really casually dressed and unprofessional census taker. He answers her warily, as most people would if strangers began shouting at the demanding their marital status on public streets. She then fires off a series of questions asking him if he has a girlfriend or is he gay and what his name is. Wouldn't that put anyone at ease as someone breaks the ice to form a new acquaintance? And I am sure the camera crew didn't make him nervous at all. I'll stop being sarcastic in just a second. Promise. Honestly this whole thing took me back to childhood where my mother would explain to me how "boy chasing" was not only an embarrassment but counterproductive as no matter how cute you are, if you intimidate a guy you can forget it. Let them chase you, good rule of thumb if ever I heard one. I hope that whole thing was tongue-in-cheek for the cameras and Jerri's amusement because if she was serious, someone needs to sign her up for finishing school pronto. I have seen prepubescent monkeys more savvy in the art of flirting and seduction. It is very possible she never had to learn advanced level interaction due to her looks. She is so beautiful that maybe it is more than enough and she could be a card carrying psychopath and men would overlook it to stare at her over dinner, while those of us whose genetic crap shoot landed on the average side of the table have to work harder to be socially aware, interesting, or funny. Maybe if you look like her you don't need to bring anything else to the party. Reminds me of a conversation a bunch of girlfriends and I once had where the topic was if you could wake up tomorrow absolutely physically flawless, effortlessly magazine-cover perfect, but you had to lose IQ points to do it - would you? For the record I said I would gladly hand over 35 IQ points and all traces of my personality and the keys to my car just to be able to gaze at myself in the mirror lovingly. So I may be too superficial and jealous to be objective, but mock I will as it amuses me, and I do think it was laughably rude to that poor guy.

Back at the house we see Corey on the phone with Suzi. Of course he is on the phone with Suzi. If he wasn't on the phone with her how would we recognize him? Oh, the bad dye job and eyes red from crying? Okay, you're right... he would be easy to spot either way. So he says to her, all casual, "so we're doing pre-nups, right?" Isn't a discussion of prenuptial agreements sensitive enough you'd want to have it privately? And she was his fiancée going into this show so if this is that important to him isn't it something they would have already discussed? Just asking. So he says to the camera how if she were to question a pre-nup that he should be worried. My skin crawled clean off my body and I had to go chase it down. If she questioned it? If she had a difference of opinion or even wanted to discuss it that would be cause for concern? Concern that what, she has a brain in her head and is capable of independent thought? There are plenty of reasons to for a pre-nup to give one pause besides being a gold digger. Some people would be uncomfortable with one for the same reason they would be uncomfortable with their spouse keeping their own apartment or with one having a bank account specifically so they have enough money to split at a moment's notice. Some people wouldn't get married if they felt they needed to hedge their bets. Some people just think they should discuss important issues that affect both partners without their concern being a red flag.