Joe Millionaire, Episode 6: Used Like a Cheap Whore

What a total ripoff.

This entire episode of Joe Millionaire was nothing more than one of those episodes of The Golden Girls where Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose all sit around the kitchen table and eat cheesecake while recapping some of the more memorable moments. I would mention Sophia in this but since all of these recap episodes tend to revolve around her leaving the house to move in with her son Phil and the women wonder how their lives would ever be the same without her then there really is no need for her to be in the show now is there?

Oh wait, there was that one episode where Blanche was going to sell the house to a Japanese businessman and they spent an entire hour recapping how wonderful the last seven years of their lives have been.

Okay, let me just put this into perspective for you. In the five years that I have lived in NYC, I have had three different apartments and five different roommates. I just can't imagine them all staying there for that length of time. I mean if I ate a third of a cheesecake every time they ate a cheesecake then I would be HUGE. Then again, if I ate a GenSoy Blueberry Cheesecake Protein Bar each time they ate a cheesecake… I would have really bad gas from eating that much protein. (GenSoy bars. Yum.)

Anyway, basically this entire episode of Joe Millionaire is nothing more than a recap of the entire series as Evan has to narrow down the final two women to just one. Will it be the star of randy S&M bondage/foot fetish films and the person my friend Gina said was apt to have a four letter word starting with the letter "C" applied to her persona (aka Sarah) or the sweet, darling, demure, "dear God my breasts are so big in this bikini that I have to wear a t-shirt on top of bikini or else my boobs would be falling out all over the place," and the bearer of many trust issues regarding her men and therefore if she got picked to be Evan's choice would probably never trust men again and turn lesbian (which according to the old joke means she moves in on the second date) because at least women are supposedly more honest than men, Zora?

Whew. That was a lot to say. I could have just said Sarah or Zora but please, there are so many complex layers to these women. At least they know what garlic looks like. I hope. And they aren't mercenaries. Oh and a shout out to the gentleman who emailed me and asked if Melissa M. had sex in the mercenary position. That made my day.

So it all starts off with the long recaps again, which go all the way to the very beginning and we get to see Hall of Shame Heidi again because, dammit, there's only so much of her that we can handle. We get that really cute girl who was cut on the first episode that I liked and I wish I remembered her name.

Hey there's Mojo and the hat! I miss the hat. Just kidding. I forgot that the Evil Stepsisters (Melissa M. and Sarah) called her a slut. Those bitches. Sarah is one to be talking. Slurp. Ah. Slurp. Mmmmm. Slurp. SCANDAL!

Does anyone else want to slap the hell out of Sarah when she does that fake laugh?

Anyway, there's Paul who is the host of the show despite whatever title they gave to that piece of trailer park trash, Alex McClown. Yes. I know her last name is really McLeod, but as we all should know by now when I do these recaps, I call it as I see it and since she has never dressed well as hostess or delivered even one line that didn't sound like she was reading it from some cue cards, I think it's appropriate. Besides, if she doesn't like it she can come after me. I run six miles a day now. I can handle it.

Paul heads to Zora's room and he tells her that she needs to be down in the front room in about ten minutes. The same message is delivered to Sarah. As if we care about her. I think Sarah chose her top, a gold shimmery fabric, because it clings to her chest, but sadly just shows that she's not wearing a bra that can properly support her. Zora is far more demure. Denim shirt and jeans. Cool and casual.

They are sitting at a table on the grounds, looking at each other but not talking to each other. Flipping their hair around. That really annoys me. The hair flipping I mean. And here comes Alex McClown and was is she wearing? It's a pink shirt with a maroon top, a brown leather skirt and these knee high boots. She looks like a cross between a reject from a top tier boarding school and the star of a porn movie where the lead character is from a top tier boarding school. Maybe Sarah helped dress her.

McClown reveals that they are to go on private dates/walks/sessions/whatever with Evan where he will spend some time talking with them and helping to solidify his decision. This time there are no necklaces to give out. This time it's a ring. Big smiles and gawks from Zora and Sarah here. Oh my. Hmm did the foot fetishes out there notice the heels Sarah was wearing?

Alex goes back inside (thank God) and then Sarah just gets up and leaves without saying a word to Zora. That bitch. Geez. What is up with you, Sarah? Queen of the Obvious, Sarah says that it's getting intense now. No, it's just a freaking walk in the park, Sarah.