A Look at the ‘Survivor: Inside the Tribe’ DVD

You’re a Survivor fan. You’ve watched all the episodes, suffered through the reunions, posted your thoughts online, and you even bought the buffs. The first episode of The Amazon is close at hand, and you want to know everything about the sixteen men and women who are competing for one million dollars. I have one place you can go for an inside look: your local Saturn dealer.

I’m not making this up. The car company is sponsoring the series this season, and they’re giving away DVDs of Survivor: Inside the Tribe. If you’re like me, you have a crappy dial-up connection and are frustrated trying to check out audition tapes and interviews on CBS.com. With Inside the Tribe, you have interviews, the contestants’ views on food and strategy, and audition clips. You haven’t had fun until you’ve seen a middle-school principal dress up as an albino squirrel.

Seriously, if you know a Saturn dealer, go there now. I can’t see them running out of DVDs anytime soon, since they want people to try a win a Saturn Ion and a trip to the finale/reunion. If you can’t make it, then read on.

We begin with the clip from the last reunion: swooping views of the Amazon, lots of local animals (including Magilla’s distant cousins), rainforest responsible for fifteen percent of the world’s oxygen, etc. Jeff Probst narrates, speaking of the really dangerous animals, such as Cayman crocodiles, piranha, and the anaconda. “This time,” Jeff dramatizes, “the game will have a twist unlike anything you’ve ever seen.” Wonder what that could mean? The cat’s been out of the bag for months, Jeff. Blah, blah, blah, outwit, outplay, outlast. After Jeff’s spiel, a narrator pimps the sweepstakes with the Ion and the reunion.

Mark Burnett makes his only appearance. He thinks this season has an awesome group, different from past seasons. He says that he went with quirky and unusual characters. That’s probably code for “three of them will end up on The Smoking Gun.”

Alex is 32, a project manager from Los Angeles. He has some very thick eyebrows. It’s never too early to tell these people apart. He considers himself an average guy who’s really competitive and spontaneous. He sees himself as adaptable, somebody who can get along with anybody. Didn’t Robb say that last season? Alex has been sober for eleven years, having quit six days after he turned 21. He doesn’t think he’ll come across anything that can stop him. “Even when it’s bad,” he says, “Even when it’s horrible, when I’m having the worst day that I can remember, I can always think back and say, ‘Yeah, it’s not all that bad.’”

Heidi is neither a Swiss Miss nor a gold digger (like the one from Joe Millionaire). She’s 24, a physical education and health teacher from Buffalo, Mo. She’s very sweet, kind and athletic, and doesn’t take herself too seriously. She does “a million and one things at all times.” She continues: “When I don’t get all those tasks done in one day, I just lose it. It makes me feel like I’m not a competent person anymore.” Heaven help her tribe on that first day of organizing. She considers herself her own worst enemy, which is her bad side.

If you can’t pronounce Deena, it rhymes with “Xena.” Actually, she looks like Kevin Sorbo’s bigger sister. She’s 35, a deputy district attorney from Riverside, California. According to Deena, people say she’s “balls to the wall, very emotional, high-strung, out there, 120 miles per hour with my panties on fire.” People say that in one breath, Deena? Her father was a LAPD officer for 31 years, and her grandfather was in the Marine Corps for 31 years. She has mental toughness that comes with her job, and there’s not any situation she’s not prepared to handle.

Ryan is 23, a model from Ellicot City, Md. He considers himself unique, able to get along with anybody. Not only does he use something Robb said, he kind of looks like him, too. Ryan vows to be “more of a listener than a talker,” and he knows that the loud and abrasive are sent off early.

Ladies and gentleman, the token Rob for this season. This one is 24, a project coordinator from Wantagh, NY. He’s sitting in a hammock, which doesn’t flatter him at all. People think he can be crazy and a real jerk, and he has to be funny if people didn’t like him otherwise. I’m hoping he isn’t another Gary from The Amazing Race. I don’t think I could handle that much unfunny. His tastes in humor vary from highbrow to lowbrow. Be careful, Rob. Remember what happened to John “Pastor Shecky” Raymond when he joked about the water supply?

Jeanne is 40, a mother of three kids, and a director of marketing from North Addleboro, Mass. She loves adventure, and she’s in the prime of her life. “I just don’t sit around,” she notes. “I go after things.” Her family doesn’t know she’s in the Amazon, but she hopes they’ll think she’s cool.

Dave is 23, a rocket scientist from Pasadena. “The chicks dig me because I’m a rocket scientist,” he laughs. According to Dave, people hang out with him because he’s very spontaneous. He isn’t here for the audience or fame, but for the adventure. “This is about as good as it gets,” he adds.