A Look at the ‘Survivor: Inside the Tribe’ DVD

Cut to a rather unattractive contestant who’s wearing a bandana that does not flatter him as all. Wait… that’s Jeff Probst? Really? I guess the camera only loves him from a distance. Anyway, Jeff believes that some people are better suited for the game because they have no morals or ethics. Daniel will backstab and lie, but doesn’t say anything about steel chairs or two-by-fours. Matthew thinks he can be slippery and “eely.” Jeff comes back, noting that others can’t think of anything but helping others. Heidi thinks she’s a good person. Shawna has an amiable disposition and people would want her around. Jeff stops by to say that some of the women will be great at manipulating their tribe, and some of the guys can’t wait to be like that. Jenna says she’s well versed in being cutthroat from pageants and swimsuit competitions. Matthew sees himself ranging from being naïve to leading his tribe. Jeff talks about how people who watch the show could write textbooks on what to do. Jeanne feels she has to sit back and not be a leader right away. Roger’s biggest problem is that he can’t sit back in any situation.

“Surviving The Food.” Jeff: “The food pickin’s are really slim.” Janet doesn’t think the lack of food will bother her. Daniel plans on withering away gracefully. Jeanne doesn’t have a high metabolism, and she thinks she can go long periods without food. In her last appearance, Joanna says she has to adapt, like the people who live in the Amazon. Roger doesn’t think 39 days will tax him.

“Who Will Be The Sole Survivor?” Matthew can taste victory. Jeanne thinks her odds are as good as anybody else. Alex just wants to enjoy the adventure. Rob: “What I’m gonna do if I win the million dollars is hang out with a lot of hot girls.” Well, the boy is honest. Dave thinks he’s the perfect contestant, since he has a logical and rational thought process. Christy hopes she can get as far as she can and not give up. Jeanne thinks nobody is better than her. Matthew: “You might as well hand the check over right now, because I’ve already beaten these guys.” I think the celebration of Matthew’s ouster will rival that of Jerri. I could be wrong.

Another Saturn tie-in: log on to CBS.com and enter the password to qualify for the Ion and the reunion trip.

Now for the montage we’ve been waiting for: “Survivor Audition Tapes.” I’m still bitter about not seeing Shii Ann’s tape in its entirety, so I’m happy to see this segment. Ryan pays tribute to Coolio’s video for “Fantastic Voyage,” hopping out of a car trunk as he introduces himself. Jenna peers behind some plants before pouncing on a sandwich, thus proving her hunting skills. She also simulates the passage of the game by wearing less and less clothing. Janet busts out some kung fu moves. For some reason, I think of Edie McClurg. Butch dresses up as an albino squirrel, running around like a lunatic before he meets a cop. When asked how his wife and kids feel about him doing this, he replies, “After all these years, they’re used to it.” Butch is then handcuffed. I recently read about how my high school principal is universally despised these days, so impersonating a squirrel isn’t that big a deal.

Daniel, the aspiring wrestler, talks trash with a Survivor: Africa buff over his face. He calls himself “The Survivor Monster.” It beats “The Miz,” I’ll say that much. Christy talks about being a positive role model, building a bridge between the hearing and deaf communities. Roger is bare-chested, lifting weights. One guy (Dave?) gets several shots, including one of him skiing. Heidi sits on a revved motorcycle, telling us that she is “getting ready to ride my way to your heart and through the competition.” Rob fills out an application while he does his own voiceover. Matthew shows off an issue of People, where he was one of the top 50 most eligible bachelors. I can hazard a few guesses on why he’s still single.

Deena’s audition tape is my favorite. She rides a stick with a horse’s head alongside her son, Zachary, somewhere in the country. She spots a stuffed alligator, and wrestles it, letting Zachary beat it with his toy gun. She explains why she wants to be on the show: “For the fame? For the fortune? No! Because Mommy needs a weight-loss program!” Ryan (I think) stands next to a port-o-john, telling us the woods suit him just fine. Alex talks about himself as he walks to work, taking the time to take off his shirt in the process. Jeanne writes on her stomach, “Mean Jeanne the Survivor Machine!” Daniel, still wearing the buff-mask, turns around to reveal “[Picture of his face] = Ratings.” Jenna ends the segment: “Nobody looks better in a bathing suit than me.” She then engages in some tush-wiggling.

After another Ion commercial, the DVD ends. Once again, check your local Saturn dealer to see if they have Survivor: Inside the Tribe in stock.

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