The Surreal Life, Episode 7: All Corey, All the Time

With the familiarity that is beginning to breed contempt, we again greet our roommates as they wake up. Vince is in Hammer's and Manny's room to tell them he will meet them in the living room. Do you think when he is in there he looks around longingly while regretting his hasty decision to bunk with Corey? I do too. Hammer tells Manny to use the bathroom first and then his captain will use the facilities. Or something. Sometimes they seem like friends and other times Hammer seems to treat him like a mascot and it irritates me. This is one of those times.

In the living room the girls await the men and they complain about how long it takes the men to get up. And they don't even have hair! So? Like any of you did your hair for this either? I didn't get that but I wasn't trying that hard. They schmoopy-talk to the pooch and that starts to put me in a better mood... cute, cute doggy.

We cut to Corey as he says his throat hurts and it will be hard to be 100% today. 100%? Is he ever? Except 100% pain in the ass? Good thing he is lingering while thinking about himself, unusual as that is, since this gives the others a chance to mock him behind his back later. He is so giving that way.

In the living room Vince reads the paper aloud and the headline says Hammer Vs. Brande Whose Got Game? Can I interject something here? WHOSE? Someone should point out to the fine journalists that run the Surreal Life tabloid that the word they were looking for is "who's." Contraction of "who" and "has." Anyway, Vince reads about the Surreal World Series and how it will be the guys vs. the girls and then, moving on to horoscopes, he begins to read for Cancer and when informed that's Corey's sign he says never mind, much to the laughter and delight of everyone else in the room. Honestly, Corey has become the biggest pariah on television since Oliver Douglas in Green Acres - and is there anyone more hated?

Back to baseball talk... Brande is on a city softball team and plays with a mix of girls. I would never have guessed that of her and I have to say that's pretty cool. They all see their uniforms and check them out and the girls have a Playboy bunny on the t-shirts while the guys have the Easton Sports logo on theirs. Definitely not bunnies, those guys. Hammer tells us he grew up playing ball and being a bat boy for the Oakland A's, and that's how he got his name Hammer. The guys said he looked like Hammering Hank (Aaron, I assume?) and called him little Hammer. Awwww... look how much we're learning. Vince made varsity in high school but refused to cut his hair so he didn't play and turned to rock and roll instead. Hey, baseball's loss is a headbanger's gain and he has made my world a better place. I thank you, Mr. Neil, for choosing the right fork in the road.

Corey and Suzi have much to talk about. He feels everything is coming at him from all sides and he wants other people to feel it and be on the same page as him. At this point I grab the sides of my head to check that blood is not pouring out of my ears.

Corey, listen to me. I'm trying to help and will let you in on a little secret. Other people don't care. That's it, the great mystery of why your pleas for attention go unanswered. Oh sure, if you are going through the loss of a loved one or serious illness acquaintances will cut you some slack and your close friends and family will try to bear with you during bouts of routine pissiness if they are short-lived and reciprocated with you being there for them in their less than pleasant moments, but relative strangers do not care about your wedding crankiness. Weddings generally try the patience of everyone close to the lucky couple who are oblivious to how self-absorbed tier cakes and bouquets have made them become.

Well if this isn't the cue to meet Suzi up close and personal.

Suzi is at the house and she is quite lovely, so one wonders what internal flaws she possesses to not know she can do better. A question for her future therapist, perhaps.

"Hi Suzi!" She is warmly greeted by everyone in the kitchen, well, everyone except Corey. Does he even like her? There was more warmth between Quint and the shark than I feel between these two. That Jaws reference wasn't too obscure was it? I realize the movie is decades old but I do think I am the only person on the planet who hasn't seen it, but I watched the "making of" so came by the analogy honestly. Way too much explaining of a simple comment... moving on...

Corey is now explaining to everyone how the wedding is at noon so the rehearsal is at 8 am so they need to start getting ready at 6 in the morning. Gabrielle asks, with the tone of voice that says the answer to this better damn well be no, "we don't have to be at rehearsal do we?" and Corey answers, with a tone of voice that screams how can you even think about missing a moment of this, "yeah." Jerri doesn't feel herself worried about Corey, she thinks the end result will be stressful and too negative for all of them. Well, not quite as negative for her as she won't wake up the next morning as Mrs. Corey Feldman. Gabrielle tells us the wedding takes away from the group dynamic of having a good time and makes it all about Corey. I agree but in his defense he doesn't need a wedding to do that. He took away from the good time group dynamic last week by having a bowel movement, he is a skilled and talented wet blanket and works on many levels. As a matter of fact I think he robs the group dynamic just by wearing that hat.