Being Jeff Probstovich - Survivor: The Amazon, Episode 1: For Ryan, Out Loud

"Being Jeff Probstovich" is a fantasy column where soundbites from Survivor castaways are taken, warped and misquoted into faux-interviews with the show's host, Jeff Probst. Check out the pre-season article for more background.

I caught up to Ryan just before he disappeared into the lush Amazonian jungle and out of the game forever.

"Hey Ryan, wait up. I have a few more questions."

"Jeff, I'm so disappointed to be taking the long walk of shame," Ryan said.

"Sooner or later almost everyone does," I said.

"Yeah, I know, but I had a game plan that I knew would work," Ryan said.

"Well, it clearly was a game plan that didn't work," I replied. "The Jaburu women kicked your asses. What happened?"

"I don't know. I don't know why I was voted out," Ryan said. "I mean, my ass was on the stove but Daniel was the meathead who really lost it for us."

"You said meathead."

"Yeah."

"Earlier you said your ass was on the stove. You seem to have a predilection to speaking in meat and cooking metaphors. What gives?" I asked.

"Man, Jeff, I had eight guys and it was just one big sausage-fest," Ryan replied.

I asked, "Do you think that all of the sausage-swinging, as it were, over at The Tom Tom Club is what led to Jaburu winning the Immunity Challenge?"

"Jeff, no doubt," Ryan said. "And it's really, really rough losing to the girls - really, really rough. But like I said at Tribal, none of those girls are worth a million bucks. I appreciated looking at them. Thank you for wearing bikinis, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather have people in camp who were useful."

"But you have to admit, the women distracted you," I said. "And all that distraction didn't make you very useful. You couldn't even stand on the balance beam."

"Jeff, you're putting my ass on the stove here."

"Ryan, your ass is already cooked," I said. "It may even be burnt. So just give it up baby, which of the Jaburu women did you really want to hook up with? Shawna? Heidi? Jenna?"

"Man, when did you become Howard Stern?" Ryan asked.

"When did you guys start playing Survivor by thinking with your, well, sausages, instead of your heads? You should have learned the rules of the game by now."

"Good point, totally," Ryan responded. "Look, Jeff, all of the girls over at Jabber have unique qualities. Some more unique than others. Some are physically unique."

I chuckled, "That is a unique way of putting it."

Ryan got a little closer and spoke in a low voice, "Well, you know, I really have a thing for older women. I didn't want to say this during all that locker room talk at Tribal, but I really like that Janet. She seemed like a real strong, healthy woman. I got a good eye for these things. A little May-December romance, you know."

"OK," I said, "changing subjects ... quickly! Back to sausages, but not necessarily what you'd do with them, since you said it was just a big sausage-fest in your tribe, how would you describe the Tambaqui guys, in terms of sausage meats?"