Joe Millionaire, Episode 7, Part 1: The Women Speak Out

Sigh.

So here we go. Tonight is the night where we will learn if it's Zora or Sarah and if the one Evan ultimately chooses will reject him because he lied or will still love the big lug anyway.

Of course we have to first hash through all of the supposed surprise twist endings that have been running rampant through the message boards, internet news sites, and my sick twisted demented mind, so in random order…

• Evan is really gay.
• Evan has a twin brother Ethan that has been in France with them. Ethan likes Zora and Evan likes Sarah so both men walk away with a woman.
• Paul is really the millionaire.
• Zora is chosen and she really is a millionairess.
• Evan is a space alien (that's my personal favorite).
• Evan really is an heir to the Marriott fortune and rich beyond his means.
• Evan ultimately chooses both women and the first woman to show up and accept him for who he is gets his heart.
• Evan picks a woman, she shows up and accepts him, and then he is told to choose between her and a million dollars.
• Sarah and Evan hook up and start their own bondage porn business.

Oh you wacky kids. You have such overactive imaginations.

So I'm going to warn everyone right now that the first hour of Joe Millionaire is not as bad as a Golden Girls recap episode where Sophia decides to move to California to live with Phil because Big Sally moved out when her grandson graduated from dog grooming school. Or something like that. This is more like the recap episodes of The Jeffersons when George and Louise are tied up in the kitchen while the burglar goes through their apartment and robs them blind and they reminisce about the good old days over a cup of International Coffee. If they could actually have drunk a cup considering they fact they were tied up.

Anyway. The first hour is all recap and post-show reactions from the women who got the boot. But of course we have to get America's pick as to who they think it's going to be in the end. Sarah. Zora. Zora. Sarah. Sarah. Zora. Zora. Sarah. Zora. Both.

First and foremost let me just take a little moment to give Fox a piece of my mind. This is how they describe the final two women – "Humble Zora" and "Seductive Sarah." You've taken these women and turned them into Garbage Pail Kids. I mean really now, Fox, couldn't you have come up with something better than that for both of them? Especially Zora. She's so sweet and kind and loving and not the whore that Sarah has been known to be. Okay so maybe Sarah isn't a whore, but at least Zora hasn't done bondage porn.

So we get all of the requisite teasers that he has to pick one of them and he has a secret to tell and then the secret shock that all of America will be talking about. At this point, Evan says that he "can't even look at that," which makes me wonder if they did pull out one of Sarah's videos and say, "Hey look at what you just passed up! Care to change your mind?"

Hi, Paul. I'm going to miss you when this is all over. I still think they should pay you extra for being the real host of the show. But there's no need for you to apologize to the people who got their panties in a big wad over the fact that last week wasn't the real finale to the show. I mean do these people not check TV Guide to see that there was one extra week of the show left? Could they not figure this one out on their own that Fox was going to drag this show out as long as they could to make an extra buck off it? I mean really now. Everyone who said they were boycotting are watching you sip your cognac because they have to see what happens.

The first hour is all about the women of the show since the show tended to focus around Evan; Fox feels we need to learn about the women and what they are all about, so let's start off with Dana. Sadly, I'm not arbitrarily choosing to start with Dana, Fox has chosen her for me. Nothing against you at all Dana, I would just like to start with Heidi so I can rip her a new one because I think she's nothing more than a… well, it's something I can't call her on here because it wouldn't be right. But if you look carefully in this recap, you'll find another place to click to find out my uncensored thoughts (HINT: CHECK MY BIO!).

So there is Dana and she talks about her initial misgivings when she learned that Evan had inherited $50 million. Part of her was screaming that it was too good to be true while the other part of her was screaming that the other women were buying into the fantasy so why shouldn't she? In fact, she was really into Evan because of his height since she was the tallest woman on the program. At that point, we get a little clip of Dana jumping up and down celebrating the fact that Evan is a giant of a man.

Then we get the childhood pictures of Dana and all I can think is, "Oh dear God please don't let me see one of Heidi because I cannot be held responsible for what I say." Dana, we learn, was voted homecoming queen. All I gotta say is the hair back then looks much better than the hair right now. Although I'm wondering what brand of hair coloring she uses to achieve that shade of blonde.

Back to the real Dana now and less of me bitching about her hair. Dana was upset that she didn't get to stay much longer than she did and that she didn't get the chance to allow Evan the opportunity to learn more about her.