Survivor Psyche, Episode 1: Discontinued Model

We're back, did you miss us? We just couldn't resist putting in our two-cents worth for this season of Survivor, with its delicious buffet of idiocies - oops we mean idiocycracies. (I bet you can't guess who we're rooting for - especially after hearing some of these bozos opening their yaps.) Three of us sat down Thursday night to watch the premiere, Melinda, Suzanne, and Suzanne's friend Maggie, and a raucous time was had by all.

The episode starts with a big white, double-decker ferry boat trundling down the Amazon River. When it stops in the middle of nowhere, Jeff Probst makes his usual proselytizing/cautionary speech and then points out the two rowboats tied to the side of the ferryboat. Jeff announces that the first names he calls out will get in the first boat. It all sounds very mundane until the unsuspecting men realize that all the names called belong to the hot chicks they've been eyeing on the ride over. There are open-mouthed stares as Heidi walks past. This really throws the little horn dogs for a loop. As comprehension dawns, Ryan's expression goes from smug complacency to dismayed confusion to despair so heavy he holds his head in his hands as he realizes he won't be featured in an Amazon Girl's Gone Wild video. (Woooo!)

The women are Jeanne, Heidi, Joanna, JoAnna, Jenna, Christy, Deena, Janet, and Shawna. Roger, the 56-year-old construction exec., spouts off the first macho chest-pounding declaration. "They don't have the strength - they may have the will - this is a forbidden (Huh?). It's pathetic." You said a mouthful there Roger. This is only the first of many stupid Fred Flintstoneisms that the men utter in this show. Daniel chimes in with more trash talk. "No way that the women are gonna beat us in anything physical or mental. We're never gonna go to Tribal Council." If we were you, dear readers, we would be very scared right now. Rocket scientists and computer geniuses and execs, my eye.

The men climb down into their boat. They are: Rob (yes, another one), Butch, Daniel, Dave, Ryan, Matthew, Alex, and Roger. Probst gives the obligatory rendition of the Amazon women fable. The women clap, and the men smirk. The men's tribe is called Tambaqui, (which roughly translates to small penis/large ego) and the women's is Jaburu (can't build a fire to save my life). The men's buffs are blue and the women's yellow. Before they cast off, Jeff can't refrain from another cautionary announcement, saying that they will have very "meager" supplies. Here comes Fred Flintstoneism No. 2. Ryan, the model, says that he's had to scrap his old game plan, and it's now "one big sausagefest!"

But the men aren't the only idiots. Jenna admits that being on an all-woman tribe is her "worst nightmare" because the men are easier to manipulate. Remember Jenna? The swimsuit model?

When the men get to their camp, they immediately spot the "meager" supply box Probst told them about. As they're trying to pry it open, Dave, the rocket scientist, launches into the next testosterone-fueled speech. It's the usual gaseous bit, about how men are strong, blah blah, women blah blah, (insert testicle scratching here), until he makes his own Fred Flintstoneism. "We're physically more adapt." Um, Dave, that would be adept, you rocket scientist you. The younger guys stop what they're doing and hoot appreciatively, then go back to grooming one another. The older guys, the ones actually working, don't even pause. Ryan makes his second FFism, first calling the women "eye candy," then ridiculing their weaknesses. "When it comes down to it, you want people who are gonna be useful." Please note that he is sitting on a log, breaking wind, and scratching his ass while his elders are working. Boys, boys, did Legally Blonde teach you nothing? Women may have totally different likes and inclinations, but that doesn't make us stupid!

Then it's Butch the high school principal's turn to go into speech-mode, when the men get the lid off the supply box. What should be inside, but a big honkin' clutch of machetes. Our impetuous young lads immediately reach for the weapons, amidst much hooting. "Be carefu!" warns Principal Butch.

Meanwhile, the women find their camp. Christy, the nature guide, quickly takes the opportunity to explain the fact that she is deaf, but it's not a "big deal." Christy can lip-read and hear minimal sounds, but has not been able to pick up any information on the boat trip over, including anyone's name. The women are startled at Christy's announcement and introduce themselves to her. To the camera, Jenna expresses doubts on how Christy will fit in. During her speech, Christy nervously smoothes her hair and touches her face.

Back at Tambaqui, Principal Butch steps forward offering suggestions and asking for input on what to do. "Nobody wants to be the first voted off," he admits candidly, expressing all the alpha males' fears. But Roger, the construction engineer, charges ahead. He soon has the men chopping trees, fetching tools, and starting a fire. Fire good. The women don't have much luck getting their fire started, struggling for hours with their flint and sticks. Deena, the criminal prosecutor, wants like crazy to get things moving in terms of shelter, but is much more wary than Roger. She calls a team meeting, asking the other women what they want to do. Still, she is perceived by Heidi as being bossy.

The women agree to split into two groups, one to build the shelter and one to start the fire. We see many painfully inept scenes of the women whacking at trees with their machetes. One woman was even trying to sever a Lantana vine, the second densest thing in the jungle, besides the men.