Survivor Psyche, Episode 1: Discontinued Model

Meanwhile, at Tambaqui, the men have finished building the base of their shelter. Alpha Male Roger introduces Butch, the other silver-backed male. Butch shows off a huge banner he brought with him, entitled "Believe in Yourselves." Principal Butch strokes the men's egos, telling them they're not likes his students - they have goals! This banner will be very symbolic later in the episode, but not in the way Butch had intended.

Now, we hear for the first time from Rob, the computer engineer and self-described "master strategist." What is it with guys named Rob? This makes the third Rob in Survivor history whose ego has overwhelmed his good sense, if he had any to begin with. Rob makes a FFism, saying that the men have expert fishermen, and the women won't catch anything.

Back to Jaburu. It's six hours later and the women have finally made fire and managed to cut four whole logs. They huddle by the fire in the dark, gabbing and teasing each other. Christy cannot read their lips in the gloom, and begins to "shut down." They need a "communication stick" to regulate the conversation and give Christy the opportunity to follow the flow. We think it's worthwhile to note that women are supposed to be better at communicating and forming bonds, and yet they have managed to drop the ball where Christy is concerned. She finally gives up, rolls over, and goes to sleep.

The next morning, there is a hilarious girly scene where the women find a big icky-poo spider right in their sleeping area. They start the day right by valiantly dispatching the tarantula. In days to come, they'll be gnawing on the thing instead of pitching it in the fire. Deena sees the need for shelter as a moral imperative and the women agree on the chore assignments. Everyone that is, except Christy, who has been completely forgotten by the supposedly empathetic women. "Doesn't anyone care that I'm the only one out here?" she asks plaintively. Heidi says that she hasn't really bonded with Christy because of the "communication barrier." Wasn't communication a course at teacher's college, Heidi? Or do you just ignore the little kids who don't tell you how pretty you are?

Back in Never Never Land, Peter Pan and the lost boys have erected a pretty impressive shelter. It's very sturdy, and even has a thatched frond roof. Roger, however, is coming across as "bossy," according to Rob. Roger has cast a baleful eye at Ryan and Daniel, who have been swinging from the trees and throwing coconuts around. Roger already thinks of himself as the glorious leader, and even remarks that he's "made up his mind" about them. Alex, who is the real wit in this episode, calls the shelter a "post modern construction," that Home and Garden will want to photograph. Pretentious Matthew, the jet-setting restaurant designer, trash talks the women, describing the men's tree cutting as "dismantling the jungle."

The he-man women haters' club (ala Our Gang) triumphantly celebrate their achievements by standing in a circle and touching the tips of their machetes together. Dr. Freud, paging Dr. Freud. (Suzanne giggled uncontrollably at this part and says that the four-year-old boys she taught in nursery school had the same fixation.)

Cut to the women's camp. They're trying to wedge the poles together and build their house of sticks. After carefully considering all aspects of their situation, Jenna has decided her top priority is to do a load of delicates, including her buff. Deena is noticeably frustrated at this. "I'm thinking shelter," she fumes. (Here is where you can see how past seasons of Survivor have influenced these players. The men and the women are very conscious of appearing too aggressive and being voted off early. But the men (that would be Roger) are too driven to heed this, while the women fear it so much that it's rendered them almost helpless. Or horrors - could it be from taking "What Survivors Should Have Learned" a little too seriously!) Deena decides that discretion is the better part of valor, and bites her lip.

Day Three. Jenna, Janet, and Heidi go out fishing with the net. Jenna and Heidi paddle, while Janet slowly wilts into a pathetic sodden mass. "I can't do this," she quavers, "I've hit rock bottom." (Insert universal outcry from viewers: "What did you think, woman? Have you never watched this show before? It's the Amazon, for Pete's sake!" Janet would rather be home watching Passions and eating Hot Pockets.) Heidi and Janet try to commiserate with Janet, saying that they feel bad and they're not even sick. "Yeah, and you're 20 years younger," whimpers Janet in response. (Janet, you're giving older women players a bad rep. here.)

The Lost Boys have abandoned any pretense at working. It's that old standby at slumber parties - the Magic 8 Ball. A fascinating psychological snapshot happens here that reveals the men's different perspectives. The younger men flock around Rob and the Magic 8 Ball, oohing and asking questions about the "hot chicks" in the other camp. The older men don't even break stride, just glance over and smile. Alex, one of the men who straddles both age groups, impulsively darts over to touch the magic totem and then scurries back to the worker bees. Daniel, the Asian eye-candy, is especially fascinated with the Magic 8 Ball, asking it if he'll "hook up" with Heidi. Rob gushes that Heidi could put "Viagra out of business."