Survivor Psyche, Episode 1: Discontinued Model

Now it's JoAnna and Jeanne's turn to catch some fish. At first, they snag something they call a "hard-shelled horn pout." JoAnna, the black guidance counselor, is so excited she starts shrieking "halleleuja!" (Burnett always seems to include one holy-roller in each group, and several have been black.) While they're working with the spiny fish, the boat drifts away from the oars they've planted in the riverbed. (Once again, this is further proof that this batch of Survivors hasn't learned from previous shows, and if they did, they certainly weren't taking notes.) Visions of rabid piranhas danced through our heads as JoAnna and Jeanne retrieve the oars. The women actually do catch a fish and JoAnna sings hymns of praise all the way back. Jeanne is not irritated by JoAnna's outbursts, and thinks she has a "good spirit." (JoAnna is doing better at this than Lynda of Survivor: Africa.) On their return with the sardine-sized offering, they divide it up among themselves, but this time, there was no loaves-and-fishes miracle.

It's mail time at Tambaqui. After reading about the challenge, Roger remarks that if they lose to the women, they're gonna get "ragged on big time." The women read their mail and set off. Both tribes have figured out that the challenge involves balancing. Heidi, the gym teacher frets about this, and Jenna offers Heidi the advice that she should "show them her boobs." (There has been more juvenile behavior, bragging, and all around grossness in this first episode than we've seen in the entire run of Survivor. Overall, a seventh-grade mentality, and that's putting it kindly.)

At the challenge grounds, Probst flat-out asks the men how they're doing and Daniel blurts out that they've caught "a lot" of fish and they're all stuffed. All the men wait expectantly for Pinocchio's nose to grow after that whopper. When the women truthfully answer that they have caught some fish, the men don't believe them. Par for the course. Probst explains the very complicated challenge, where all the players are roped together and must make their way through an obstacle course of physical and mental challenges. The men and women are neck and neck until the first puzzle, when Deena, Christy, Shawna, and Jenna bog down. The men advance to the next task where they encounter their nemesis - the balance beam. The balance beam has historically been a female only event, because of women's wider hips and lower center of gravity. Sure enough, the men blow at this. They have broken up into groups of two, and four of the men, Ryan, Daniel, Rob, and Dave, keep tumbling off. This gives the women the opportunity to break the code and play catchup. (We were all yelling at the screen as the women struggled with the word puzzle. Women are supposed to be good at this stuff!) The biggest albatross around the men's neck proved to be Daniel, with his top-heavy musculature. (He reminds Suzanne of one of those he-men Master of the Universe action figures - not that that's a bad thing.) No matter what technique he used, top-heavy Daniel kept tipping over.

Meanwhile, the camera keeps cutting back and forth between Daniel's inept attempts and the women. We see the women blithely traipsing across the balance beam with ease. La la la la la. Like young girls skipping hand-in-hand on the way to Sunday school. (Happy, carefree, easy as pie.) None of them have a problem with this; they even cluster one team behind the other on the way across. Finally, a desperate Ryan grabs Daniel's head and shoulders, and hauls him bodily off the end of the beam, like the hunk of useless meat that he is.

At the second puzzle, the women have no difficulty. JoAnna and Jeanne quickly fit the pieces together. The women are supercharged and race ahead, until Heidi, the gym teacher reaches the last key and the women surge onto the victory mat. Heidi was an excellent choice as an anchor person for this last leg.

Probst berates the men. "You had a big lead and you blew it! You had a ROCKET SCIENTIST and a COMPUTER GUY stuck on a puzzle!" (Bravo Jeff! We couldn't have said it better ourselves.) When the dejected men reach their camp, the first thing they see is the big banner. The camera pans slowly across "Believe in Yourselves." In his first intelligent comment of the show, Rob says it's "Billie Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs for the new millennium." But it's Dave's moment again, who wastes no time venting. He's stuck on Daniel's remark about catching a lot of fish. Dave is covering up his own sense of failure by singling out Daniel's "lie" and going on and on about his own "character and integrity." Daniel says that Dave needs to lighten up. Rob says Dave is an honest guy - which Rob will exploit because he will lie and cheat. Oh, those Robfathers, you gotta love 'em.

Much skullduggery ensues as the men size each other up. Alliances, that is. Except for Rob, who refers to "coalitions." Wrong show, Rob. It's the classic old vs. young alignment again, with a few twists. Matthew, at 33, hangs out with the youngsters, while Alex, 32, works with Butch and Roger. Dave, at 24, jokes along with Ryan, Daniel, and Rob, but gravitates to Butch and Roger as they work on the camp.

Ryan, Daniel, and Matthew automatically form an alliance, seeking out Rob for the pivotal fourth vote. Rob agrees to vote with them against Roger, but just as quickly gives the yes to Butch and Roger when they approach him. This is classic Rob behavior, as we saw with Rob #1, in Survivor: Marquesas. Dave is the odd man out, gunning all the while for Daniel.