American Idol "Best of the Worst" Special: The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

After a legitimate commercial break, Ryan re-introduces Mariah Carey wannabe Terra Daddonna, who gives one of the most memorable hideous moments from the auditions. Simon rightly tells her that the only part of her that is remotely like Mariah is her hair and sends her packing.

Which brings us to Edgar. We may want to forget him, but he's earned his place in American Idol history as the consummate con artist. We see him perform in Miami, sounding like a mouse caught in a trap. After getting brutally dissected by the judges, he leaves and tells everyone they'll see him on the show and that they should all remember to vote for him. He then appears at a later audition in Hollywood, lies his head off in front of the cameras, and auditions a second time. For his second performance he risks causing an international incident and almost single handedly destroys the NAFTA treaty by singing in tuneless Spanish.

We now see a teaser of a huge argument between Paula and Simon. In this segment Simon fires off my personal favorite put-down of a performer:

"Ring up the war department and offer your services. You've just discovered a new form of torture!"

The singer that sparks the major battle between the judges is Lisa Leushner. Her talent is undeniable, but like a number of this year's hopefuls, she is packing a bit more junk in the trunk than the average pop star. Simon trashes her for being overweight and Paula blows her cool. Now one might think Simon's constant carping about obesity would set Randy off before it would offend Paula, but Randy is far more of an industry insider and is familiar with the rules of the music scene (indeed, last year he got into an argument with at least one contestant for saying he was overweight). Paula is more of a victim of the rules. The size of Paula Abdul's thighs was a source of much noise at her label when she began making videos - so much so that one of her videos was shot in a widescreen format and then shown in "full screen" mode. For those unfamiliar with the process, the end result is that everything on the screen is stretched and give an almost funhouse mirror skinniness. This was all done in an attempt to make her appear less "thick" in the video. Paula immediately lashes out at what she sees as Simon's perpetuation of "eating disorder" stereotypes. In fairness to Simon, he didn't start the trend, he merely gauged it and demanded that his artists adhere to the slim standards. This however, takes nothing away from the truth in Paula's comments and if American Idol really wants to embrace the changing tides of music this is a topic badly in need of further discussion.

The next compilation of auditions is what can only be called the "excuse" sessions. Once again, no names are provided, just a rapid fire series of singers explaining the various maladies that prevented them from giving a good performance. One young lady ticks off everything from laryngitis to pneumonia in a vain attempt to get the judges to reconsider. Sadly, all this particular Typhoid Mary succeeds in doing is making the judges wonder if plague is about to make a comeback and if they should check to be sure medical insurance is included in their contracts. One brave soul even says that her performance was hindered by her recent hemorrhoid surgery! One can only wonder what orifice she was "singing" out of during her audition, for we are blissfully spared any of that footage!

In another clip of a singer who wowed the judges in the first audition, we experience the real treat of once again hearing Aliceyn Cooney performing "Angel." Simon talks about her wonderful voice and then we see a clip of her performing in the second round. She still sounds pretty good! In a curious moment Simon talks about how some very good singers just fall through the cracks and expresses regret that Aliceyn didn't make the cut. It made me wonder if there may be plans afoot to bring her back in the wild card competition in a couple of weeks. Stranger things have been known to happen - especially this year with the exit of Frenchie.

We're getting close to the end of the special now and we see Adam Plotch give a hysterical performance of "Baby Got Back," suffer through Antoine Flowe talking his way through his song, and Victoria Mayers, who has a voice so shrill that she is now employed as a content provider for a dog whistle company. With building momentum to the finale, generic and rapid-fire bad performances from Kelli Gracey, Jessie Duchene, and Michael Druck are inflicted upon us.

It is now time for Bad Fashion Show Theater. Green hair, zoot suits, tie-dyed Stetson hats with matching shirts, and all manner of frightening outfits parade by, leading up to the now famous seamless pants of Nathaniel Golden, who performs "My Girl" as if he's never heard the song before. This segment left me disappointed because I wanted to see the singer with the electric Christmas light pants perform. During the actual auditions we were only given the briefest of glimpses and I wanted more. If any of the production team reads this - it would be a great treat for it to be included on the season 2 DVD!

Finally we come to the moment we've all been waiting to dread. It's the final performance. The man dubbed, "the worst singer in the world" by Simon. Keith once again performs "Like a Virgin" and cements his legacy for all time. It's like watching a train wreck and it's impossible to tear the eyes or ears away. The special concludes with a nice montage of some of the more gifted and outrageous dance moments of the contestants to "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." In a rather nice bit of sound work, the song concludes by coming back again to Keith "singing" his version of the tune.

With eardrums bleeding and eyes bloodshot with shock I turned away from the television set feeling curiously entertained by the nice job that was done in compiling the various clips. Then I remembered that the premiere of ABC's new reality show, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! was about to start. Hopefully RealityNewsOnline will be providing recaps (but of course: here it is!) and I hope even more that my byline won't be at the top of them. Watching and writing about Keith is one thing, but Melissa Rivers? Hey, even I have my limits!

Mr. Barker is co-owner of Movie Boss (www.movieboss.com), a free online movie game, and author of "Zippers," a humor column that looks at mistakes in movies. He can be reached at BBarker@movieboss.com.

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