Star Search, February 19: A First Impression

Last night was a big reality TV night (The Bachelorette finale was just a tad more compelling than this train wreck of a show). As you can tell by the tone of this article I was a bit on edge.

In his opening monologue, Arsenio Hall expressed his surprise that this show was picked up for another five-week run. After watching one episode, I can tell you that he isn't the only one who finds this hard to believe.

The three permanent judges are:

Naomi Judd. She's starting to look more like Wynonna all the time. Go easy on the lipstick, honey.

Ben Stein. Arsenio introduced him as the "former undersecretary of funk." This must have been during the ultra-hip Nixon administration.

Ahmet Zappa. Arsenio said "he's from the first family of weird." I guess the Jacksons finished second.

The guest judge is Magic Johnson. Doesn't he know that the Lakers aren't doing well? I think they need his advice more than any contestant on this show.

In the category of Junior Singer: This was a tie between Sophie, a Japanese-American girl who talked about Japanese internment camps during World War II, and Joelle, who apparently prefers soccer to civil rights issues. The TV audience wasn't buying Sophie's faux Bronx accent on "Don't Rain on My Parade" and instead sent Joelle to the next round.

In the category of Comedian: Michael, who riffed on Texas, cowboy hats, and George H. Bush's pronunciation of "Saddam," beat the tar out of Moody, who had a funny yet subdued monologue about his personal life. Now he really has something to be Moody about. His score of 10 was the lowest of the evening and completely undeserved.

Next up was "Young Dance": Jared was a pretty decent tap dancer in the style of Savion Glover. Blake was a gymnastic dancer in the style of a Miss America contestant dressed by Shania Twain. If you think that Jared won, you would be wrong. If you think I disagree with the choice, you are correct.

This is almost over. Our last category: Adult Singer

Chantel looked like everyone else you see on TV talent shows. She has lots of hair. She sang the Minnie Ripperton song "Loving You" so we'd all know she could hit those screechy high notes. The highlight for me was when she told an "inspirational" story about how as a 12-year-old she was climbing a wishing well. It fell over and almost killed her. Note to Chantel: Next time, just toss a coin, okay? Chantel's competition was James. He wore a bad leather jacket (not "bad" just bad) and some bell-bottom jeans that must have been on top of the laundry pile yesterday. He had a great voice but looked like he had gone out for Karaoke night at the Dew Drop Inn. And that is where you will have to go to see him sing again. He was tossed out on his messy hair.

So that is my first impression of Star Search. I promise that my next report will include every excruciating detail. It's going to be a long five weeks!

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