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Are You Hot?, Episode 2: Southeast, "The Dream" Continuesby Michelle Durand -- 02/21/2003
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OK, all, I'm moving to Georgia. Of the 16 hot people discussed in tonight's show, 11 (yes, 11) of them were from Georgia. Four were from Florida. One was from Louisiana. Apparently, no hot people live in any of the other six states.
OK, so tonight we discuss another intellectually challenging episode of the latest drivel, Are You Hot? Tonight, the famous JD Roberto (yes, the very same JD Roberto who you all knew and loved as the Firing Squad Director in the Mask of Zorro!) introduces us to the Southeast Hot Zone. He starts by declaring that the dream continues. (Wait, was it a dream, or a nightmare?!) That just makes me laugh, because he really means it. Really.
JD also declares, just in case we weren't sure, that, "We are the show that thinks talent is completely overrated!" I might add that there was very loud applause after he said that. Very loud.
Speaking of talent being overrated, we return to the finalists of last week's episode. Out trot the eight semi-finalists from the Northeast. The "winners" were:
Cari points out that this is the most exciting experience of her life, after repeating over and over her thanks and that she "wants it so bad" (don't ask).
We once again meet the experts: Randolph Duke, fashion designer; Rachel Hunter, supermodel; and Lorenzo Lamas, Falcon Crest star (oh, wait, no, international heartthrob - sorry).
Next comes what I'm going to call the "Parade of Losers." This is where ABC runs the 32 regional competitors, one by one, across the stage while a giant light above them declares whether the "experts" considered them "hot enough to move on." Highlights: Charity positively jiggled down the runway, Wendy Lynn the cowgirl made my husband sit up and take notice, and how could you miss Caroline, a 34-year-old mom and homemaker who was definitely HOT for her age.
Next, we cut to commercial. If nothing else tells you who the target audience is, this should: in my market, we saw a commercial exhorting us to join the hair club for men. Enough said.
Let's run down the list of 16. Scores are Face/Body/Sex Appeal, as with last week.
First up is my front-runner, Charity, a 24-year-old student from Tampa. OK, when Charity strutted across the stage the first time, I thought she was hot. However, during the close-up it was clear she is a fake woman. Fake chest, bleached teeth, dyed hair, etc. She confessed to Randolph that the chest is fake. I think it telling that Rachel gave the lowest scores - women can always tell a fake. Rachel - 7.6/8.5/8.5. Randolph said she has a great butt, and gave 8.2/8.3/8.5. Lorenzo made some nasty comment about spilling his water, and gave her 8.0/9.5/9.0
Next was John , a 26-year-old national sales manager from Stone Mountain, GA. This guy had a very pointy chin. Randolph said his body was too thin and gave 5.1/5.0/4.9. Rachel commented on the big jaw and gave 5.0/7.0/2.0. Lorenzo said he did a good job of taking the heat, and gave 6.7/7.0/6.0. Hmm, looks like Lorenzo's getting a bit soft.
Butter Jones was the next up - yes, Butter - a 27-year-old hairdresser from Atlanta. I liked her vibe and her curvy, natural figure until she opened up her personality… she exchanged some nasty words with Randolph (Do you like butter with your biscuits?) and she then proceeded to insult his receding hairline. Hmm. He gave her a 6.0/7.1/2.0. Rachel gave 5.0/7.0/4.0 and Lorenzo 6.9/7.0/7.0.
A 26-year-old student from Atlanta, Ryan Irons, then strutted his fine self down the runway. Look, it takes a good man to wear a skintight little swimsuit, and might I just say the boy must have enormous feet? Anyway, the experts liked him - Randolph 9.5/9.5/9.0, Lorenzo 9.2/10.0/9.5, and Rachel 9.0/9.5/9.8. I liked him too. Ahhh.
Next up was my husband's favorite, Wendy Lynn. A 19-year-old student from Cummins, GA (I won't even make the obligatory joke about the name of that hometown), Wendy was just cute and sexy at the same time. Plus, she was wearing a cowboy hat. From watching Joe Millionaire, we all know that men love women in cowboy hats. Anyway, Lorenzo said she was absolutely gorgeous and gave her 8.9/9.5/9.0. Rachel gave 8.5/9.2/9.6. Randolph said she had a beautiful bust, but pointed out that her knees aren't that great. Wendy Lynn told us she had a head-on collision with an 18-wheeler and didn't know if she would walk again - so she thinks the knees are fine (and we all agree with her! As my dear spouse pointed out, there was so much else to look at). Anyway, I think Randolph felt properly shamed and gave her a 8.5/9.5/9.5.
Troy, a 31-year-old clinical exercise specialist (someone tell me how that is different from a physical therapist?) from St. Petersburg, FL, displayed himself proudly. Randolph complained that his tight orange trunks and bleached hair outshone his handsome face, and gave him 6.5/9.9/8.9. Rachel agreed about the hair, and gave 6.0/9.5/6.0. Lorenzo liked him more than the others, though, and went for 8.5/9.9/9.0.
The next striking skinny was Chantille, a 24-year-old student from New Orleans. Chantille was the opposite of Charity - the first glance didn't show she was that striking, but up close she was truly an elegant and beautiful woman. Randolph said he loved her porcelain doll face and gave her a 9.9/9.2/8.5. Rachel said she was the most tasteful person she had seen that night, and gave 9.9/9.9/9.9. Lorenzo was unhappy that her thighs didn't touch, and gave her 9.5/9.2/8.0. Chantille is just really beautiful and interesting-looking - not like the fake blonde beach babes.1 2 Next-->
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