Real World/Road Rules: 19 Degrees of Reality Hookups

We start with an off-camera voice asking Theo to define a hookup. No, he’s not the Theo currently on Battle of the Sexes. This is Theo from Road Rules: Maximum Velocity Tour. He mulls on the question, his bright blue headband sucking away at his brain. Aneesa (Real World: Chicago), Steven (RW: Las Vegas) and Mike (RW: Back to New York) respond with “kissing,” “sex,” and “getting busy.” Theo is still thinking. Kendal (RR: Campus Crawl) thinks it’s something that lasts more than three seconds. Theo has an answer: “A whole lot of patty cake.” I miss Theo.

Montage of cast members getting intimate/cuddly/wild. An unseen narrator says that RW and RR cast members hook up a lot. Coral (Back to New York) pops up to deliver her classic line to Jisela: “Get off the ho train.” There’s more kissing and embracing. Becky and Norman (RW: New York) kiss… wait a minute! I know Norman doesn’t swing that way! What are you trying to pull, MTV? There’s the one where Steven and Trishelle make out, while a frustrated Frank points the finger gun at his own head. Cut to Trishelle: “I love to kiss boys.”

After the title sequence, we get establishing shots of Los Angeles. Our narrator? Dan Renzi of RW: Miami. Apparently Dan is so big nowadays, they let him use his last name. Congratulations! His hair’s messed up, but it beats his “George of the Jungle” coif in Sexes. Dan shows us the concept of this special: to link nineteen RW and RR cast members together via hookups.

Dan points out that most of these get-togethers take place in Los Angeles, which is home to over 60 ex-cast members. He wonders why they’re all there. I try to hold off my cynical comments. Theo says it’s safe, since other cast members live there. Blair (RR: The Quest) believes it’s refreshing to go out and hook up with somebody who doesn’t care about the show. Timmy (RR: USA) thinks that the hookups happen because they’re in the same area. For some reason, there’s a shot of Holly and Chadwick kissing, which makes me feel icky.

Dan introduces a quick montage. Turns out that there have been 40 on-camera hookups on both shows combined. In the interest of speeding up the story and not being too anal, I’ll stick all of them on the back of this article. Highlights: Becky getting too friendly with Bill the ex-director; the Melissa/Mike/Melody threesome from RW: Miami; Rachel and Sean, along with their baby at the 2000 reunion. David (RW: Seattle) and his romance with casting director Kira; Colin and Amaya (RW: Hawaii) getting romantic; and Malik (RW: Back to New York) and Jisela (RR: The Quest) getting cuddly, followed by Jisela kissing Kevin and Lori (both Back to New York), and going topless for Blair (The Quest). It ends with Trishelle and Frank kissing, from a recent episode of RW: Las Vegas. Cut to Arissa in the confessional: “I feel like I’m in a porn that I can’t escape!”

Dan tells us that some hookups don’t happen on camera. Jisela basically repeats what Dan says. Theo notes that not having a hookup revealed is revenge on the producers because they catch so much. “It’s like your sneaky little way of betraying the universe,” he adds.

Back to Dan, who promises to link two Back to New York cast members through nineteen degrees of “spit-swapping separation.” He starts with Mike. Cut to Mike in Miz-mode. I hate wrestling, and I hate the Miz. Mike gets links to his love interest on Seasons, Tara (RR: Northern Trail). Mike interviews that they clicked well, and they got to kissing. Cut to Mike totally copping a feel. Mike continues, saying they tried to keep things secretive, and that one cameraman kept following them around. There’s the scene where Tara gets out of bed, sees the camera, and immediately flees to another room, pretending to exercise.

Dan narrates that before Mike, Tara was interested in Dan. Not that Dan; that would be a miracle in itself. No, this Dan was on Northern Trail with her. Shot of the couple making out on the beach. In an archive interview, Tara tells us she’s never been in love before. Dan is scared of getting close. “What am I talking about?” he adds. “She’ll probably get rid of me in two weeks anyway.” Narrating Dan tells us that Dan and Tara are friends, and were partners on Seasons.

Next, there’s Dan and Holly. I’ll clear it up: Hetero Dan and Holly from RR: Latin America, who met on Challenge 2000. Holly hugs Dan after he skydives. In an archived confessional, Holly says that Dan is the best friend she’s ever had. Yeah, that is Dan’s effect on people. Teck pops up briefly, saying that Dan has a girlfriend back home. In a present-day interview, Timmy says that both of them denied that a hookup happened, but he doesn’t believe them.

Next up: Holly and Timmy. I never heard about that. Anyway, during Hurricane Julliette, cast members weren’t allowed outside. Cut to the toga party, with Stephen and his insane headdress, and Mike dry-humping Sharon. Good times. “We just spent so much time together,” Timmy says, “sharing peanut butter, if you will.” Nice euphemism. There’s a clip of Holly saying that the hurricane was a “huge turning point,” but that’s probably not related to her and Timmy. He says that she got so much flak about Dan, it was reason enough to keep it off-camera.

Timmy also met Becky on Seasons. Wow, I’m learning so much. Timmy says that nothing happened between them until after Seasons. There’s a “Wacky Timmy” montage. He goes on about how he and Becky rarely talked, but they got together afterwards. Theo says he’s glad they spent time together.

After commercials, Trishelle thinks that RW cast members hook up more than RR. Steven believes that the RRs seem to be “dirtier.” Blair: “I’d like to think the guys from Road Rules are pimps.”

Dan comes back to reiterate the concept. He adds that sometimes, cast members don’t necessarily hook up with each other. Trishelle interviews that the only way to go solo is very quietly. Cue Divinyls with “I Touch Myself.” Ew. Mike interviews that he’d pretend to be sleeping. Aneesa heard some do it in the shower. Theo talks about Stephen (RW: Seattle), and how he caught him “just making out with himself. There were mirrors involved, and smoke.” Steven: “I openly admitted to masturbating like a banshee.”