Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes, Episode 8: Cold-Butted Snakes

This recap goes out to reality television’s number one fan, Kathy Griffin. She represented herself with honors on Celebrity Mole: Hawaii, raising the quality of the show in the process. Props also go out to our own Brian James, who interviewed Flo for this site, giving a reviled character an added dimension. Will I take a similar route and interview Ellen? Don’t hold your breath.

Previously on Battle of the Seasons: Puck got married to Betty in the biggest wedding on reality television. Well, it was the biggest, until Ozzy and Sharon renewed their vows. Choke on that, Corey Feldman! Lori gets the mission clue on the sponsored phone. She admits that the girls are on a losing streak, and it’s embarrassing. Cut to the first episode, where Melissa brings up voting off Julie. In light of what happens tonight, I don’t see how she “set the tone” for future Inner Circles. Julie was so unpopular, most of the RW women were aiming on voting her out. Christina thinks the voting in a popularity contest. Rachel: “Anyone can go home now, and that’s a threat that you don’t want to live with.”

After the credits, we get shots of the sky and flowers. There’s a shot of a slug crawling. Cut to Puck hugging Betty and Bogart. That can’t be a coincidence. Puck interviews that he dreamt of having a healthy baby and a good wife, and he has both. “Don’t piss her off, though,” he adds. “She’ll stab you with a pair of scissors.” Betty and Bogart ride off in a van.

Women’s Villa. Rachel gripes about how some of the women don’t want to be there for the whole four weeks. So it wasn’t just Amaya? I wish there was elaboration. Genesis explains to us that Rachel has expressed negativity about the group as a whole.

Outside. Amusement park atmosphere. The contestants fast-motion walk to Jonny. When there’s fast-motion, you know there has to be drama squeezed in. Jonny welcomes everybody to Freeze Your Butt Off. Rachel expositions that the object is for the players to sit on a block of ice and hold their hands over their heads, and the person who does this for the longest period wins. Jonny whips out this week’s sponsored prizes, which are mountain bikes for the winning team. Half of them are probably on eBay as you read this. Genesis and Theo give dueling confessionals: she says the girls are hell-bent on ending the losing streak, and he says the guys have to stay focused. Jonny also brings out some hand-held doughnut-shaped thing. Oh, that’s the Ion Lifesaver, which took last week off. Aneesa sees that she’s at the bottom of the standings. Dan observes that he’s third from last, ahead of Blair and Eric, and he has to beat at least one of them in order to stay.

Jonny tells the guys that fairness has to be ensured in relation to the amount of exposed skin. He holds up a pair of Speedos. Immediately, the girls cheer, since they’re obviously fans of male blur shots. “We got to wear punk-ass Speedos!” Theo grouses. “I don’t wear Speedos because my thang can’t breathe!” As if that wasn’t bad enough, we get a shot of Theo getting a wedgie. The guys pull them up and rub sunscreen on each other. Shane wiggles around. Jake: “Quite frankly, we look damn fine.” Thong Boy would say that. More stuffing of male parts. Melissa and Veronica laugh. The guys pose, blurred bits and all. Melissa: “This is the best day ever!” Dan complains that he didn’t know how big his butt was.

Everyone gets ready to sit on the blocks of ice, in what appears to be a grounded roller coaster. It’s hard to tell what exactly the BMP people are smoking. Everybody sits down, butts and feet on the ice. Of course, there’s yelling and screeching. Lori interviews that the ice is so cold, “it’s like sitting on fire.” Puck groans. He’s sitting next to Ellen. For a second, I almost feel sorry for her. More groans of agony. Puck spills some popcorn into his mouth while keeping his arms raised.

Jonny eliminates Antoine for putting his hands together. True story: I actually picked him to replace David on my Fantasy Team. So when he got booted, I got mad. Anyway, Antoine clocks out at 14 minutes, 23 seconds. He interviews that he didn’t realize his mistake because he was focusing on his butt. Aneesa lowers her arms while singing, and one of the masked judges catches her (22:37). Puck reaches into his mouth, only to be busted by Jonny (24:13). Puck bitches about the decision, saying that he was told he could eat popcorn, but he didn’t know he couldn’t pick his teeth. Ever hear of a tongue? Loser. Christina raps about beating the boys as Dan beatboxes along, but he gets nailed for clapping (29:02). He immediately figures that he’s going home.

As Blair leans over to sniff her armpit, Tonya tells us about the girls losing two missions in a row. Blair corrects her, saying that it’s three. Shane gets eliminated (31:22), followed by Syrus (33:12) and James (47:54). “One by one,” Ellen interviews, “all of the guys are dropping like flies.” In fast-motion, Colin (one hour, 17:14) and Jake (1:23:33) bow out. Mark clings to hope, saying that women have a greater tolerance for pain, but the men are motivated. More fast-motion: Blair (1:29:13), Mark (1:33:12) and Theo (1:35:00) get the boot.

Soon, Eric is the last man sitting. Jake interviews that all of the guys’ hopes are on him. Multiple shots of Eric concentrating. “He’s a little dehydrated,” Jake continues, “a little crazy in the coconut.” Tense music plays. Eric looks around before slowly lowering his hand to scratch his ear. The music stops. Eric pulls the arm back up. “No one saw that?” he asks a teammate. Aneesa: “No one saw what, Eric?” Busted!