Reality High Test Results, February 26, 2003: The New Survivor Class

The last person to bring up the notion of idols and spirits on the show was "Mother Africa" herself, Linda, and personally, I think having the two of them on the same tribe would prove to be highly entertaining:

Linda: The immunity idol goddess won't stay in a house of conflict - JoAnna: BLASPHEMER!!! My hand's going in your face!

I won't even get into my own personal views on Roger's notions of homosexuality being "unnatural" - I mean, by this time, most of you know I'm gay and pretty outspoken so you can pretty much guess what I'd have to say anyway. But what both Roger and JoAnna are failing to realize is that spouting opinions and beliefs such as these is only asking for controversy and divisiveness. Sure, none of the men may be gay themselves, but for all Roger knows one of them might have a brother who is, or good friends who are, as Alex seems to. How does JoAnna know that none of her tribemates are Jewish or Buddhist or any number of things? Heck, I could see even devout Christians responding to her declaring she's going to stay up all night praising the Lord by snapping, "Well, I'm trying to sleep so cram it!" One of the biggest parts of this game is getting allies, so why alienate people unnecessarily? Especially in Roger's case, where he just narrowly escaped being the first person voted out. Sure, he was instrumental in building the shelter, but it's built now. He's expendable.

Maybe it wasn't the wisest idea for Alex to challenge Roger, but on a personal level, I'm glad he did. And speaking of alienating people, if the message boards I visit are any indication, Roger and JoAnna's popularity has completely nosedived, while Alex's has shot up. In fact, between the idol thing and the incident involved in the final question, people's reaction to JoAnna can best be described by what Augusta on Santa Barbara said right after she told her mother she was canceling her visit home: "Mother, I didn't know you knew that word!"

9. You overhear another tribemate referring to something you did as "stupid." How should you handle it?

A. Ignore it and file it away for possible future use in voting
B. Pull him/her aside and tell him/her it hurt your feelings and try to talk the matter out
C. Charge up to him/her and scream at him/her about "getting in your face." Put your hand in his/her face for good measure!

JoAnna emphatically circled "C." Now I could see how JoAnna might not have been thrilled with Christy calling her idol beliefs "stupid" (even though I personally agree), but the way she went about handling it was completely over-the-top and unbelievable. She accused Christy of "interjecting into her conversation negatively" when SHE was the one who charged up and interrupted Christy's conversation! When Christy tried to settle the matter by saying they'd both made mistakes, JoAnna snapped that Christy made her mistake first! She put her hand in Christy's face repeatedly, which for a deaf person is like covering their ears, then when Christy protested, snapped that she thought Christy wanted to settle the situation! "You won't be hurt anymore if you don't GET UP IN MY FACE!" she threatened, then roared, "LEAVE ME ALONE AND GET OUT OF MY FACE!" and stomped off. EXCUSE ME?! Who got up into whose face here?! This is quite possibly the most inexcusable behavior I've seen out of any reality show contestant anywhere - I'm still completely upset about it even just typing this. Flames. Flames heaving...

"If you are a 'vessel of Christ,' don't you think you need to be a little nicer?" exclaimed Christy in amazement after the ordeal. I'm just amazed that this woman's a GUIDANCE COUNSELOR!! I swear, if I had children at her school I'd be petitioning for her removal. Hopefully the parents there are doing the same. This was just inexcusable.

Only two weeks into the semester and I'm already reminded of why Kathy in Vanities said she quit being a P.E. teacher: "It was the students. I loathed my students." Oh well. Maybe things are just off to a rocky start and the semester will get better as it progresses. Right? Right?

Just breathe. Just believe. I'm used to it by now.

In the meantime, I'll just cheer myself up by having one last TV fantasy. I've figured out the perfect person to straighten out Jaburu: Judge Judy!

Judge Judy: Six days and no shelter! OUTRAGEOUS! What's the problem?
Janet: Well, your honor, it's a lot harder than we thought it would be--
Judge Judy: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
Heidi: It's true, your honor. It takes all our efforts to get food and water--
Judge Judy: BALONEY! Next!
Shawna: It also takes a lot of us to make sure we keep the fire going because we lost our flint--
Judge Judy: OUTRAGEOUS! Lost your flint! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Shawna: Well--
Judge Judy: I'M SPEAKING!!!
Jenna: We also have to make sure we have clean underwear--
Judge Judy: Are you NUTS?!?
Jenna: Well--
Judge Judy: I'M SPEAKING!!! Good grief! A TWO-YEAR-OLD has better survival skills than you clowns! How many of you morons would it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Deena: Well--
Judge Judy: I'M SPEAKING!!!
Jeanne: The problem, your honor, is that nothing's getting done because we don't have a leader.
Judge Judy: So get one! Who's stopping you?
JoAnna: The real issue, your honor, is that we let evil into the camp when we brought home the false god of the immunity idol. That's what's caused the rain and that's what's prevented all our efforts to build a shelter.
Judge Judy: I think you're all a buncha WACKOS!

Brian James is an actor/writer in New York City. An avid reality show, Passions, retro music, and Internet discussion board junkie, he can be found holding up "Will Snark For Food" signs in subway stations as he continues to search for that elusive "day job." Brian would like to stress that this column is based solely on the "TV characters" he witnesses once a week, not on how contestants behave in real life. Comments and cybertomatoes accepted at laken44@yahoo.com.

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